The Quintessential Life Experience

This Just In - Criss Angel Sucks

2008-10-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

First of all, Criss, can I call you Chris? If you're going to take a pseudonym, why don't you not spell it like a jackass? I mean, I understand if you're one of those people whose parents thought they were being original and decided to spell your name with all kinds of crazy extra vowels, misplaced consonants and the letter Y. But you, you CHOSE this name and that's the route you went? Interesting.

Anyway, I don't know if any of you have ever seen the show "Mindfreak" on A&E - but it's terrible. It's got "acting" and a production quality on par with porn and is generally pretty uninspiring. In addition to dressing like a model from the Hot Topic catalog CA's deep self love and constant chest pounding/finger kissing/pointing at the sky routine wears thin pretty quickly.

Despite all this, I couldn't turn down the opportunity to see "Believe" the Cirque du Soliel/Criss Angel production at the Luxor in Vegas. It was on my boss' dime, plus, how bad could it be?

Terrible.

This show sucked so badly that even the remarkably hefty woman occupying 1.5 seats in front of me who nearly swooned when CA walked on stage complained. The slow egress from the theater was like listening to outtakes from Ebert and Roper. I have been to high school plays where the curtain call received a warmer response. As a general tip to any performer - if you have to get on the mic and shout "c'mon, I can't hear you" when the audience is supposed to be going wild following your performance, cut your loses and pull the plug.

Aside from the 15 dick and fart jokes (not a huge hit with the Las Vegas middle America crowd - I even saw a guy "dressed up" in a short sleeve dress shirt and a tie), the lack of an cohesive storyline, the interminable monologues, the poorly edited video (at a stage show, a video?!) there was a near total lack of "magic." The big fella walking out behind me with his NASCAR bedecked buddy said it best:

"Man, there just wadn't hardly any magic! I mean, they could have put just about anyone in there and he could have done what that guy did. Other than escaping a straight jacket, but shit, that's just about as hard for him to do as escaping a leather jacket."

My mind wasn't even close to freaking. The only person who really thought the show was a hit was Criss Angel and trust me, this audience wasn't one with overly high expectations.

So, if you're headed to Vegas or just flipping through the channels and see some guy with a bad haircut, a chain wallet and boots that look like they belong to someone named Elvira, just move on, it's not worth your time.

HD TV

2008-10-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone left out there who doesn't have HD TV? I honestly can't imagine it. Like, seriously, do you mean to tell me there are people out there watching Discovery's Planet Earth in No Def (as Deeks calls it)? I absolutely refuse to believe this. I mean, a girl I work with is still holding out against cell phone technology and doesn't even have internet, but she was sure to lock up a 42 inch Samsung LCD.

Obvi there are some parts of our country (COUGH Ohio) that might have just enough crazies to somehow believe that HD is obviously a terrorist organization aiming to wipe out all the white, Christian Americans, but overall just about everyone has seen the light. Right?

The Day of Steve

2008-10-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was one of the most oddly surreal days of my life. It all revolved around the name Steve.

We all know a Steve or two in our life. We probably know a Steven or a Stephan as well. In fact, I know some people with the surname Stephens. These are all good people that keep to themselves. The Steves of the World tend to generally be unassuming, genuine, law abiding and contributing pillars of society.

Think about it, do you know any bad egg Steves? Didn't think so.

However, something went wrong in the land of Steve last Sunday. Maybe it was the cusp of the full moon and all the werewolf Steves were coming out. Could it be years of oppression and normalcy for the Steves and they united to conspire against my normal day.

Steve Interaction 1. On airplane from Denver to Oakland. I sit down in the last seat on the flight and get placed next to Steve. Steve is huge and seemingly ate the armrest with his forearm. Steve snores, on an afternoon flight. I see his name on his ticket and swear under my breath.

Steve Interaction 2. In Taxi from apartment to friends house. Taxi Driver introduces himself as Steve. Why would a taxi driver every introduce himself. Weird.

Steve Interaction 3. At Decompression Party in San Francisco and guy comes up to me and pulls off my cowboy hat and says, "hey, I've been looking for you." I reply, "have you?" He says, "oh, yeah, guess that isn't you and that's NOT my hat. " Anyway, that is how you start talking to someone sometimes and we get to gabbing and he introduces his name as Bear. I say my name is Jeff and then he replies that his earth name is Steve.

Things are starting to get weird.

Steve Interaction 4. At Mighty for DJ Dan Show. A guy in a purply fur hat and a purple leopard jacket comes up and sits down next to me at a table while I'm trying to enjoy a G&T. His introductory line, "want to go to the worlds greatest party?" His second question, "want to know about the elixir of youth I invented?" His third topic, "did you know I'm a Watsu?"

This was the most bizarre person of the day. How would I know he's a Watsu? Secondly, why did he need to tell ME about how he's regained 20 years of life from drinking his special potion? This guy was strange. This guy was also named Steve, as I found out upon ejecting myself from the conversation.

Steve Interaction 5. At Mightly, 3:45AM leaving show. Guy comes up to me in the parking lot and asks me if I think he should drive home. I ask him where his car is and he replies, "Parked right in front of those cops over there." I ask him if he's sober and he replies, "do I look sober?" I say no. He says, "we'll, I'm not." He asks, "do you think the cops would think I'm sober?" I retort, "hey man, If I can tell your not sober, I'm pretty sure the cops can tell your not sober."

I tell him I've got to go, introduce myself as Jeff and he shakes my hand and says "Steve."

I look around for a moment. Look at the people I'm with who remember the last person's name. A friend says, "wasn't that last guy named Steve, too?"

I look over and say, "you have no idea what Steve has put me through today."

Small Fight of the Day

2008-10-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Say what you will about Chipotle, but I like it and can't stop myself from going about once a month. The parking situation at my local Chipotle leaves a bit to be desired. It's a hopping lunch spot with a large surrounding business community and only offers about 8 spaces in its pull-through lot. Although I rarely get one, it's usually worth driving through just to see if you'll get lucky.

Today, on my first pass I saw that there was a rather crazy looking woman sitting, waiting with her blinker on and staring at a black BMW backed into a parking spot. I pull up and stop, just to see if there's any other potential for spots in the lot. Seeing none, I begin to pull forward and glance at the BMW to see what the crazy woman in the Corolla is waiting for.

Sitting there, calmly reading emails on her BlackBerry and unwrapping a burrito with one hand is a smartly dressed young professoinal woman. Now, I am not sure if you're familiar with the Chipotle burrito, but this is a two handed operation that takes a solid period of time to eat - and that's in an ideal setting (ie: NOT over a BCBG suit and Bavarian leather interior). And, since she's backed into the spot, when she looks out her windshield there is nowhere she can look other than into the intent (and crazy) crazy woman's stare.

We have a serious standoff on our hands. Crazy lady is refusing to budge (despite cars stuck behind her) and is apparently planning on waiting for the young professional woman (apparently too anti-social to eat INSIDE the restaurant) to finish eating the entire burrito rather than look for another parking spot.

I laugh, drive around the block and park right in front of the restaurant and forget briefly about the entertaining small fight of the day I've just witnessed. I sit down, read the Willamette Week and savor my burrito (chicken, black, mild, cheese, lettuce) and enjoy NOT being at work. Eventually, though, the time comes that I can not stall any longer and have to head back to work. I get up, throw my trash away and as I walk out the door am forced to squeeze by none other than Crazy Corolla Lady, who had apparently just gotten her parking spot. Chalk one up for team looney!

HDA

2008-10-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

With all the bad news in the news today - credit crisis, mortgage meltdown, presidential politics, etc., I understand how you may have missed this item, but HDA is nothing to joke about. Affecting literally hundreds of Americans each year, HDA can lead to yellowing of the skin, sweating, vomiting, gastro-intestinal malaise, and general discomfort.

Hot Dog Addiction (HDA) is characterized by an unchecked need to continually ingest long, spherically-shaped, encased meats. Hot Dogs, Kielbasas, Sausages, it doesn't matter to the HDA sufferer. Like many addictions, the need to consume Hot Dogs takes precedence over one's own well being - affecting basic common sense and decision making abilities.

This past weekend, I was brought face to face with this sausage scourge. On Saturday morning we all went to breakfast and the soon to be exposed HDA ordered a massive breakfast and then, at the last second, decided to include a side of sausage. We thought nothing of it at the time...

A few hours later we were at an alumni tailgater with two choices for dinner: hamburgers or hot dogs. But these weren't just any hot dogs. Approximately 14 inches long and 2 inches in diameter, these were some serious swine products. But even 28 square inches of nitrate packed hot dog is not enough for the HDA sufferer. A scant 2 hours later, our friend went running from her seats watching the football game to buy.... You guessed it, an Autzen Stadium gameday polish sausage.

The rest, unfortunately, was fairly predictable - and the fallout was just as bad as one might imagine. It's horrible to see a friend suffer like we did and hopefully you take this blog to heart and watch your family and friends closely, and intervene if you see signs of HDA.

On a side note, The Happening is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This is relevant because the crazy guy who proposes that plants are causing the problem also has a Hot Dog Addiction and rambles aimlessly at one point for about 3.5 minutes about hot dogs and how much he loves them.

At this point, the list goes:
1. Death Sentence with Kevin Bacon
2. Be Kind, Rewind with Mos Def
3. The Happening with Marky Mark (notice the disrespectful downgrade from Mark Wahlberg)
Stay tuned as I am sure to rent more terrible movies and face ridicule in the near future.

Rules of Being a Man #293

2008-10-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

There are only three reasons you, as a man, should have candles in your home. If you do decide to go the candle path, it is imperative that you avoid food-smelling candles.

1. You have a wife. It's inevitable that she will take over the decorating for the abode - as she well should. I can only think of 3 things hanging on the walls in our house (a calendar, a picture of a ski resort and an oil painting by my great aunt) - a feminine touch sure wouldn't hurt. But, I went to a buddy's house recently was stunned by the sheer quantity of: hand towels, pictures from their wedding and candles.

2. Sexy time candles. They work! They cast a "flattering" light on everyone and show that you are not a total schlubb. But the food rule is especially important here - as we learned from George Castanza when he was dating a women with food-scented incense. Next thing you know you're eating a sandwich made of the "sweetest of the cured meats" out of the drawer in the bed side. And you certainly don't need that. Fresh Breeze, Clean Laundry, Ocean Scent and Spring Rain all work well for this application.

3. The bathroom candle. Whether it's frequent (or occasional) female visitors or just a room mate with an undiagnosed sickness inside, a bathroom candle can be the ultimate courtesy and a real odor life saver. Again, the food family of smells may lead to unintended consequences - vanilla scented shit is not necessarily an improvement.

Rules of Being a Man #79

2008-10-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

There is a big difference between a MANcation and a VAcation and it's a difference you need to understand.

For a good portion of your life, chances are you have been taking Mancations. Road trips to football games, 8 people in hotel rooms, spring break trips, etc. By and large these trips have been about the dudes, the bros, cheap food, light beer and bad smells. Often poorly planned and hard to recover from, Mancations are often characterized by spontanaeity, someone going to jail, and generally bad behavior. You will often hear trips featuring mostly sausage as "guys weekends." Guys weekends are lame. They are for people who have poker nights, "guys night out" and have relinquished control over their social calendar to the dominant female in the household. There is a big difference between guys weekend: "Sorry guys, I can't go to [insert strip club name here] I have to go call the wife." And the Mancation: "Dude, can I borrow $20? I am going to buy those two random chicks drinks to give Nick a lap dance."

At some point, things started to change. This change is usually brought about by increased earning power and the addition of a female to your life. The mancation starts to take a back seat to your other priorities. You may even get an email like this from one of your Mancation travel buddies:
"Hey guys, I hate to say, I'm out for this year's trip to Costa Rica. I've got to take a vacation with the girlfriend before she'll let me head out with you guys again. But we're going to a totally awesome all-inclusive spot in Mexico together!"
Sad day, right? OK, well, not totally, there is something to be said for a vacation that features clean hotel rooms, "real food" (not eggs dropped in ramen cooked over a camp stove 2 meals a day), everyone (or every couple) with their own sleeping arrangements, and a beautiful woman to share the whole trip with.

It's important to have both in your life, and to know the difference between them. First of all, you don't want to be the Jack O' Lantern who brings a party pooper on an otherwise perfectly good Mancation. If you show up for the rager weekend and one guy (usually a repeat offender) shows up with his girlfriend, that is a serious Mancation faux pas. Another (real) email chain I received recently:

GUY 1: "Alright, the big concert is coming up in a couple months. We're planning on camping out, partying, BBQ-ing and rocking for 3 straight days.

WIFE: "Hey, I have an idea, maybe this year instead of camping there we can all get hotel rooms in the next town over. Comfortable beds, air conditioning, you know, get some good sleep each night!"

HUSBAND: "Nevermind my wife, she doesn't know what she's saying. Please know this will be dealt with when I get home tonight!"

By the same token, you don't want to be the dude who shows up to the Vacation with intentions to throw down mancation style. Examples of this include showing up for a perfectly respectable vacation with: unnessecarily bizzare facial hair, a suitcase devoted to liquor, too few changes of underwear, or an escort.

So be a man, know the difference and enjoy that spirit of youth while you've got it and plan yourself a mancation.

The Front Fell Off

2008-10-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here are the QLE we are always looking for new and different comedians, routines and skits from which to abstract comedy and manipulate it into our own catalogue of verbal ha ha. Anyone who knows us realizes that we have been knows to pass off Mitch Hedberg, Bill Burr and Patton Oswalt pieces into everyday conversation.

Here are two comedians from Australia, John Clark and Brian Dawe, making a mockery of the Australian Parliament Re: 1991 when an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in two, dumping 200,000 tons of crude oil. Total environmental and political mess.

For your viewing pleasure: this preposterous Monty Python style mock interview.

Thx to A. Fisher for the lead on this blogworthy Internet silliness.

There's No Such Thing as a Platonic Friendship

2008-10-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been visiting other blogs over the past couple of days - mostly to see what else is going on out there. Call it (un)professional curiosity. I've found some terrible stuff and some comedic brilliance. You'll notice that we're now keeping track of some of our favorites over there on the right side of the page. Lots of folks call it a blog roll. We'll try to think of something better.

I stumbled across a pretty funny post about people hooking up with or even dating their friends on the best named sites I've found: Burt Reynold's Mustache. This reminded me of a point I have long held and vigorously defended in many an argument: there's no such thing as a purely platonic friendship - pause for gasps of righteous female indignation.

I've gotten into some pretty big rows over this - all with women vehemently claiming that they've had "lots of platonic guy friends." Unfortunately, that's just not the case. With two exceptions, in ALL long running friendships between men and women, at least one of the two parties has wanted to, wants to or will want to hook up with the other one. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways from long pining, hidden love to a drunken "let's not let this make things weird" moment.

As I mentioned, there are two exceptions to the rule. First off is the "we used to take baths together" rule. In my case, this would by my Mom's BFF's daughter. We were raised essentially like siblings thus precluding us from the rule. Exception number two is the "you've had sex with my best friend" rule, which should speak for itself.

Outside of those two exceptions though, ALL male/female relationships have been influenced by sex at some point, and if you think they haven't, chances are you're the one giving the "we're just friends" stiff arm.

Hyped For Hypercolor, Maybe Not So Much

2008-10-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

For those of you who dorked out through your grade school years and missed out on the Hypercolor t-shirt fad, I feel for you.

The Hypercolor shirt, purchasable only at Nordstrom and Lads and Lassies in Portland for the first year of distribution, was a clothing line that changed color with heat. For all you physicists (Bvarv) out there, they contained thermochromic pigment which chameleons between two colors when exposed to either warm or cold temps.

These shirts were it. There were cooler than Stussy and Mossimo (now selling at Target). They're more unique and less risque than Big Johnson and not as idiotic as No Fear (He who dies w/ the most toys still Dies!!!!!).

Recent reflection on some of the little things that made my childhood rock (Muscle Men, Battle Beasts, Hot Wheels, Moon Boots) led me to recall the Hypercolor and drove me to investigate and see if they are still around in any capacity.

And they are! Kind of...

The Hypercolor website says under construction, but upon harnessing my inner Zetetic and contacting their corporate umbrella, I found that nothing is imminent. No new clothes. So we're f'd. What I mean is I'm f'd, or at least my vision on showing up at the next party with the hypercolor nostalgia dream is shot.

Mind you, there is no way I'm buying one off ebay for $50 and running the risk of purchasing a twenty year old shirt that some guys mom put in the dryer at HIGH and toasted all the thermochromatic pigments.

However, coincidence of all coincidence, there I find myself at American Apparel later on in the same afternoon and Im looking for a Gold one-piece for a poiformance and I overhear the clerk remark, "Zain, I can't, I mean, I CAAAAAAN'T wait for the hypercolor line to show up.

Hold the Phone!! That guys name is Zain!?!? And, AA is getting a hypercolor line! My lord, by the time those show up, they are already going to be passe. Every single hipster doofus in the world is going to be hyped from day one. I can just see it now, after the AA hypercolor line, next we'll see the slap bracelets.

So, the question begs answering, "will it be cool to rock the nowtro '08 Hypercolor line from American Apparel?" What about if you don't don an (un)ironic moustache?!?!?!

Chick Blogger Representin' - A Ross

2008-10-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

A little while back we felt compelled to comment on the ubiquitous chick blogger who dominates the blogosphere with posts about Gossip Girl the new "Nine-Oh," drinking wine, hapless hubbys and BF's, crying, wine drinking, shoes, potty humor and a deep love for red wine. One we mentioned, A-Ross from Tales From LaLa Land has since done a little QLE reading and was gracious enough to answer a few questions - hopefully bringing a little balance to our frat-esque 20-something dude blogging. After all, no one wants to be a stereotype.

QLE: Introduce yourself - tell us about your blog and why you do it. Specifically, how does your little black book contain the email address of every legendary Duck football player for the past decade or so? Is there a Latin Berry interview anywhere on the horizon?

A-Ross: My name is Allison, but everyone calls me A-Ross. Except my mom. My blog is essentially a mirror of who I am. I have always loved writing. I attended the University of Oregon where I got my journalism degree. But, frankly, the confines of newspaper and PR writing didn't fit my style. I basically write whatever comes to my mind and what I enjoy most - sports, cooking, my family, my friends and my cat. As far as the Q&As go, well, it helps to sleep with as many Oregon football players as you can to get what you need from them down the road.

QLE: We called you a chick blogger - you're not a mommy blogger, or a girly girl blogger... Can you guide us through the twisted web of female bloggers and where you fit in?

A-Ross: Only recently did I become aware of the world of mommy bloggers. Funny thing is, most of them are moms, but I wouldn't categorize their blogs as "mommy" blogs. BTW, I'm not a girly girl blogger? How have you guys figured this out so quickly? Don't I come across as somewhat girly? No? Damn. I figured. I don't know where I fit in and that's one thing I'd like to continue to not know. I don't want to start changing what I write or how I write to try and fit into a certain group. As usual with everything else in my life, I kind of just do what feels right to me. And I do it with confidence so people will respect it and have confidence in me. If you can respect a blog in which I call my cat a Dirty Sanchez.

QLE: We've been debating. Is there a certain age at which all women suddenly freak out and decide they want to get married, have a giant wedding where everyone looks at them and tells them they're "soooo beautiful" and then start having kids like crazy?

A-Ross: I don't want to speak for all women here, but I'll speak for myself. It is not something I have ever dreamt about or longed for. However, I'm engaged now and I'm very happy to have someone who I enjoy being with and is compatible to me. But I tell you this - I would also be content just being with this person forever and not getting married. Marriage is scary and I just want to make sure we're together forever. All I hear about is "not having sex anymore" or "mortgages" or "settling down." Basically, I'm all for it, but I want ME to stay the same. And, I want to still have sex and spontaneous moments like the ones you have when you first start dating. It's easy to see why those moments are harder to come by. Just today, the fiance and I had to take my car to the shop. 1. We got lost for over an hour trying to find the place and 2. It will cost $1100 to fix. So, immediately there's stress brought into your world. Whereas in month two of dating you're wondering if you've tried every position in the Joys of Sex book.

QLE: When does the drama stop?

A-Ross: NEVER. It doesn't matter if your 15 fighting over Matt Jones or 34 fighting over who's your maid of honor and who's not in the wedding. It. Never. Stops. I have a few quality girl friends, but a lot of my friends are guys. And we fight also. Over the fact that they cheat at Fantasy Football or whether or not Eva Longoria is actually hot. Fun stuff.

QLE: Why do girls wear the shirts like these? Unflattering is putting it mildly. Pregnant-looking is a bit more like it. Are they just emulating and practicing for pregnancy, as mentioned in question #3?

A-Ross: My friend Erin is going to LOVE this question. She was recently shopping for a dress and lamenting this new style. It's disgusting. Let's be honest. Girls wear these shirts so they don't have to work on their abs.

QLE: Do women believe girly workouts are effective? See: power walking, Pilates and those chicks who get on the stair stepper and take the worlds tiniest steps until the first bead of sweat appears then pack up their US Weekly and waterbottle and go talk about their "big workout" and decide to "splurge." Also how old should a woman be before she stops wearing her sorority letters/pants with writing on the ass?

A-Ross: Skinny women do. I did Yoga once. I wasn't sweating and my mind doesn't like it when I tell it to be quiet. Again, you're asking me girly questions, and I'm not that girly. My workout of choice is running. And, I will say that spinning is a killer. It might seem girly, but it's not for the faint of heart. Go try it sometime. For one hour. And, lastly. At no age, under no circumstances should anyone wear the word "juicy" on their ass. Why would you want your ass juicy?

Dear ESPN.com

2008-10-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Please stop with the automatically loading video that plays when I go to ESPN.com. First of all, I'm literate. That's why I subscribe to your magazine and visit your website 263 times per day. I want to read the content. If I want video, I will go to one of the 5 ultra convenient ESPN family of TV channels.

Secondly, I would estimate 82% of your sites visitors are at work while visiting. Does auto loading video blasting out sports commentary really seem like the best way to sneakily waste time? Why don't you just have an arrow and a sign pop up out of my computer that says TIME WASTER and points to me for everyone in the office to see. This is both rude and thoughtless. Great, you captured the ability to post video on your website. Can't we just have it load on "PAUSE" so I can choose to watch it or not?

PS - If you must show video, please stop showing John Clayton's face. His voice and obnoxious opinions are enough, but when his elfish, bespectacled face pops up on the obnoxious video player it's almost too much for me to handle.

You Oughta Know - Card Games

2008-10-01T10:05:00.001-07:00

We've promised a weekly "You Oughta Know" post, so here we are, and with week 2 we decided to lighten it up a bit after being called out for being a bit pretentious kicking off with the greatest pieces of literature in the history of the world. Point taken - although I still consider that post a success as it evoked plenty of conversation and a classic argument between the two skinniest people we know.

This week, 10 card games you ought to know. Whether you're headed to Vegas, a party featuring chicks in denim skirts and light beer, or even just a relaxing vacation, you should know how to play these games. No one wants to be the jackalope who says, "Sorry, could you explain the rules one more time?" while everyone else is sitting there and ready to play. Here is a website with all game rules organized alphabetically.

1. Poker - including at least 3 variations: Stud, Hold 'Em, 3, 5, 7, etc.
2. Blackjack
3. Presidents and Assholes
4. Kings
5. Rummy
6. Speed
7. Cribbage
8. Hearts
9. Pitch
10. Solitaire

As usual, feel free to question, ridicule, add or discuss in the comments section. We look forward to your feedback.

Also, a weird bonus Youtube video to help get you through your Wednesday - but you've got to watch to the end to see the full amount of awesome - (Thx to Cross).

Random Question of the Week - Meat

2008-10-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

In an effort to learn a little more about our readers, we are going to begin to offer up questions to you all that will hopefully shed a little bit more light upon your temperaments, convictions and habits.

This weeks question:

Would you eat off of this pig roast if you were at a luau?

Do any of you eat meat anymore?

If you do still love meat, would you dine off this swine?

People we know, the floor is yours!

Small Fight of the Day

2008-09-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

Although I'm a bit concerned about what it may say about my sanity if this becomes a regular feature on the blog, I just can't help myself.

Fall is a special time of year. New cars, new TV shows, fun new consumer electronics and, everyone's favorite, new phone books???

That's right, for the past week, various sources have been foisting their antiquated ad laden giant pain in the ass phone books on me. Yellow Book, Verizon, Qwest, all equally useless, all dumping approximately 25 lbs of useless "books" on my doorstep, in my front lawn or in my driveway. Seriously, have you heard of a smart phone? Goog-text? Goog-411? Yahoo Yellow Pages? All are more efficient, right at my finger tips and do not require sifting 5 inch thick tomes to find out the number for Papa Johns so I can order the Canadian Bacon/Pineappe/American Bacon Pizza.

Last week, the smashed up, no window all white panel van slowed in front of my house, and the sliding door came open. Drive by? Child abduction? No, just a dude throwing a big pile of books/trash on to my front lawn. Qwest. 3 days later, I'm backing out of the driveway, and the same white van with the same dudes throw a bundle onto the driveway (forcing me to get out and move them before backing out). Verizon. This is getting ridiculous.

So I'm sitting at my desk this afternoon, working hard, when an extrodinarily sweaty woman and her daughter (I'm assuming) walk into the office and, in a cheery and singsong (if breathless from the couple flights of stairs) voice:

Sweaty Woman: "Helloooo! We have your new phooonnne booooks!"

Me: "No thanks."

SW: "What?"

Me: "Don't need them, I'll just recycle them, so why don't you keep them and you can make sure they get to a deserving phonebook customer who might use them."

SW: [long uncomfortable pause, looks at daughter, both stare at me as if to say: "Um, hello, we're offering you a lifetime supply of free steak here, and you're saying no thank you? What are you crazy, these are PHONE BOOKS."]

Me: "Sorry."

SW: "FINE."

Me: "Bye!"

A Weird Sighting in San Francisco

2008-09-29T12:10:00.000-07:00

The 25th year Anniversary of The Folsom Street Fair was not the weirdest thing I witnessed yesterday in San Francisco.

Group flogging and whipping sessions at the fair were weird, but not weirdest.

Orgy and massage oil wrestling ring. Quite weird, but not the weirdest.

The guy getting head from the girl with the Captain America fighting Ironman tattooed on her back- both totally naked while being videoed by the Japanese tourist in studded g-string who was being pulled along by a dog collar chain held by his two foot taller German girlfriend dressed in full red latex body paint.

Pretty bizarre, but not the winner.

That was all within the first and only five minutes I was at the Street Fair.

Next Stop. Vertigo bar for an afternoon birthday party house/trance/breaks music event for some guy I have never met.

Weird that there were black lights and neon posters set up for a party during the day and there was sage burning everywhere. Strange, but not the apex of weird yesterday.

Signing Thai karaoke at the restaurant next door in a foreign language and getting a round of applause after picking what evidently was the song that everyone wanted to hear. Pretty normal, compared to the what happened next.

At that point it was 700PM and time to go home and get life together. I traversed back to North Beach and was on my block when I witnessed one of the more strange things I've ever seen. There was this bum clad in a blue plaid flannel shirt, short Prefontaine shorts, a Popeye hat and barefoot. He was bent over an unassuming green sidewalk bush. You know, one of those little shrubs that are everywhere that just seem to take up the pathway space where you always have to stand behind and wait for the lady with the stroller to pass by.

So this degenerate, safe to say bum, was in another dimension, universe, some altered state of Claritin-D byproduct Crystal Meth or just was the hungriest muther-f'er in town. He was face down, mouth open chopping at said shrub like it was the last consumable on earth. This man was straight up eating one of the cities bush's in public. Munch, Munch, Munch.

Thats weird. But not as strange as the fact that nobody else seemed to think this was abnormal or worthly enough of a second glance. People, couples, families would walk by, take a look and move on. I watched this goatman for about 5 mins from a half block away and during that spell or time, not a soul stopped to look at this act of craziness.

Who are the people that live in this city and are so desensitized that a man eating a bush like a goat, is just an everyday occurance?!?!?!

Saturday Night

2008-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Didn't watch SNL this week? Oh, that's not surprising. Maybe it's because it sucks, or you weren't home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. But, since you missed SNL, then you missed the latest Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit. And that would just be a shame.

If you missed this one, you might have missed the first one (I know it's a long shot) but it's still some good stuff, so enjoy.

Oh, and my Saturday night - I saw Choke - the latest movie based off a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Sex addicts, anal beads, crazy chicks, and dark twisted cleverness throughout - all par for the course. It's pretty out there, but since we know I love to laugh loudly at the most uncomfortable moments of the movie, this one was right up my alley.

Also, on a side note, I'd like to just send a brief open Letter to Regal Cinemas theaters:

Dear Regal,

Thank you for raising your prices again. That extra $.50 was an awesome surprise when I went to the movie last night. It was kind of like getting a tittie twister as I walked in the door. I mean really? An extra $.50 did you think that $10 wasn't enough for a movie? Maybe it's some sort of fuel surcharge? To.... Deliver the movie? Assholes. At least you're delivering a superior product. Oh, wait, no you're not. Most of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months have been terrible. Oh, and the bathroom smells like a homeless person's house. In a NYC subway station. In a porta potty. It's seriously astoundingly foul. There's piss all over the ground, and some on the walls. In a room I had to pay $10 (make that $10.50, you cheap greedy pieces of shit) to get into. Taylor's bathroom is cleaner and people piss all over the place in there on purpose.

Go to hell,
All of Us

Fred Willard Eats Cheese

2008-09-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

There I was at Whole Foods earlier today. Minding my own business. In fact, I was literally going about some work business, when I was gently tapped across the right shoulder by a man holding a rolled up newspaper.

"Do you know where the CHEEESSEE is?"

That is what Fred Willard asked me today.

What made him think I was the one to ask? Did he not see the 20+ people or so wearing forest green Whole Foods aprons meandering throughout the aisles? How did he pick me over the dread locked, goatee donning, long sleeve tie-dye shirt wearing employee in which I was having a conversation?

Ira was the one with the Green Apron and name tag. I had on a polo shirt, sunglasses on my head and was chewing on a toothpick.

Yet he still picked me.

Best part about it, I DID know where the cheese was and had just been there. Thats where I got the toothpick, from the gouda sample squares three aisles over. Could Fred Willard really be that astute. Maybe. He did come up with the blind prostitute joke impromptu.

"The cheese is located three aisles down, near the produce."

That was my best effort. My one opportunity to impress one of the world's foremost improv comedians of Christopher Guest movie fame. One of my favorite actors. The guy stars in my second favorite comedy of all time and I left the conversation thinking to myself, "Whaaa Haappened....??!?!!"

Some skin for your mornin'

2008-09-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

This week Sarah Palin, the GOP Veep candidate has been taking advantage of the UN General Assembly in NYC to brush up on her foreign policy credentials. Much like a few former Presidents (Reagan, Clinton, Bush) who came from roles as Governor, she has taken the opportunity to hone her chops ahead of important debates and as the election nears (she's only had her Passport since 2007).

She has met with a variety of world leaders, including a handful from the Middle East, for obvious reasons. She's taking a bit of a different approach, the sexy approach...

Meeting with the President of a Muslim nation and there she is, showing off those beauty queen legs! Now, it's all a matter of standards, and Karzai certainly isn't demanding she wear a burka, but seriously, that seems a little racy! That would be kind of like walking into a job interview wearing shorts instead of a suit. No, a suit isn't required, but it certainly does send a message.

And apparently Palin's message is being received, loud and clear by these heads of state. According to one blogger - "Pakistan's president tells Palin she's 'gorgeous' and 'Hotter Than the Kalahari in July." Although clearly that's winner for the headline of the day, the actual wording is a bit more subtle, but equally as outrageous. According to CNN.com, Zardari and his entourage made numerous comments about the Veep candidate's looks and Zardari even mentioned that instead of the long handshake for photographers he'd be willing to hug. Nice.

A Northwest Holiday

2008-09-24T14:24:00.001-07:00

I'm a day late, but that's only because I went RUNNING out yesterday to get me some frosty delicious goodness. That's right, yesterday Deschutes Brewery tapped the first kegs of Jubelale. ("Tapped" is obviously a bit of a misnomer as I was able to buy some the same day at Fred Meyer, but hey, I've exaggerated a time or two).

A few years ago, I had no idea what Jubelale was. I was working in the beer business and having a "meeting" with one of my co-workers in town from Nebraska when he got a text message that made him jump out of his chair, grab his keys and all but shout, "DUDE, let's go, they just tapped the Jubel," and run out the door. Seriously.

So the point is, it's good. Really good. And I've got to say that this year's blows last years out of the water. I recommend you grab six and grub and settle in to watch USC beat the sad, sad piss out of OSU tomorrow (while somehow wishing both teams could lose/settle in for a nice 10 year span of irrelevancy a la UW).

On a side note, I am glad the Jubelale is good. I had a bit of a falling out with the folks at Deschutes the week before. My GF recently brought over a couple bottles of this year's reserve, "the dissident." Although I don't want to get into a big beer snob love note for this beer, I must say, it is a treat. It's a Flanders style brown brewed with wild yeast and then aged separately for 18 months. It's some serious fancypants shit but boy oh boy does it come out well.

So, I ran not walked down to Deschutes to grab more just a couple days later only to find they had COMPLETELY SOLD OUT. I was disappointed to say the least, until I walked into Thriftway the next day to find an ample supply sitting untouched on their shelves. Anyway, do yourself a favor, if you can, get your hands on a bottle of this before it's gone. It's not like anything you've had before and is 100% worth it. Get it at Thriftway on Olson and Garden Home in SW Portland.

You Oughta Know - Literature

2008-09-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

This is the first piece in what will become a weekly post entitled "You Oughta Know."

We will highlight a category and relay the our view of the 10 most important facts or works of art within said category so that we can all be a little more in tune and dialed in to what is what.

Endeavoring to highlight events, places, persons, ideas and thoughts that revolutionized the world, or our world, this section of the QLE should provide for some good fodder.

The topic for this week is Literature. Imaginative and creative writing that resonates throughout the years as having ascertained supreme artistic value and contribution to the overall greater good of the art. These bodies of work stand along among others as having endured the test of time.

1. Hamlet - William Shakespeare

2. Iliad - Homer

3. Moby Dick - Melville

4. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald

5. Paradise Lost - John Milton

6. 1984 - George Orwell

7. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain

8. A Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemmingway

9. Call of the Wild - Jack London

10. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

These works certainly speak for themselves. Please send in your comments, concerns, critique and glaring omissions. And get to readying ya'll.

Snoozing is a sign of weakness

2008-09-24T11:04:00.001-07:00

When I was in 8th grade my best friend moved from the next block to the deep suburbs. Disappointing to say the least to now have to hang out with the second tier local friends.

His new place afforded us many opportunities our old one didn't. We didn't have to climb down a giant hedge-like bush to sneak out. The neighborhood was on hills that afforded death defying (and moronic) speed runs on our bikes. There was also lots of new construction around which allowed plenty of 14 year old mischief, which I will not detail as I am not sure if what the statue of limitations is on this one... Even the cops were nice. We got picked up for curfew at the Zupans market (after buying a 3 liter of pop. Seriously, a 3 liter, how am I not diabetic?) and they just told us to be good and go home. Ask my brother how that differs from the Portland Police approach...

My buddy has always been quite industrious and so had a job early on. So, when I'd stay out there on weekends he'd get up in the morning to go to work and I'd sleep in (I was a lazy teenager). Let's say he had to be up at 7:30 to be to work at 8. He'd set his alarm for... 5:45. That's ONE AND A HALF HOURS before he had to be up. He would then proceed to snooze every 12 minutes for the next hour and a half. That alarm buzzer would go off 8 times before he finally hauled it out of bed. God forbid I should have to listen to that buzzer 8 times in a week, much less a day. He swore it was the only way he could wake up!

Let's break this down: that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First off, it takes about 15 minutes for you to fall into REM or restful sleep (or so my 7th grade science teacher the smartest woman I've ever met told me). So by adding snooze into your sleeping repertoire, you are effectively stealing that sleep from your night. So let's say you snooze for an hour each morning, you are just giving up an hour of your sleep. If someone said - hey, get up an hour early, you'd tell them to go to hell because you'd be losing sleep. But for some reason people have no problem waking up and going back to sleep repeatedly. Seriously, it's dumb.

So of course, my first "real" college girlfriend was... a snoozer! We would often do sleep overs with one another which would lead to the snooze fights. She scheduled all her classes at ungodly hours and then would want to start the snooze process hours beforehand which, coincidentally was many hours before I even had to be up (I was also a lazy college student). Needless to say, this led to strife.

There are two exceptions that I feel obligated to note:
1. Setting the alarm early deliberately to allow for sexytime with significant other. Obviously not snoozing, though, as the notable absence of the raucous, nightmarish alarm clock beeping.
2. The iHome. An alarm clock that plays your iPod. It's pure genius. It wakes you up and lets you listen to good music. It even fades in. I broke down and got one and suddently found myself drifting slowly into wakefulness over a 20 minute period. I quickly realized this was the same as snoozing (oh, and was late for work) and have now had to place a strict 2-song limit on my morning iHome listening.

Over the years, I have worked to refine (aka mellow a bit) my theory on snoozing (among other things). Following a lengthy discussion with a freind's GF, I have softened my stance. All snoozers are not weak. Some are just lazy but OK with it... Seriously, though, the amended stance is: one snooze allows for proper passing of the shock of another day/burying oneself deep underneath the covers to generate necessary warmth/strength of character to get up and do it all again. That seems reasonable, but more than that, and we're in ridiuclous/weak/lazy land. Set your alarm, get your ass up, deal.

Dating Advice

2008-09-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

The QLE does our best to keep you up to date on etiquette and general advice to avoid life's social foibles. With school getting back in session and lots of fresh faces out there for all the young people, a bit of dating advice might be in order.

We'll start with Mike Leach, coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. We've had to paraphrase in places...

1. Take her to a steak house because it's informal and there's not a lot of salad on the menu. Then she'll have to eat in front of you, which she (she being all women) hates, and as far as making women do things they don't want, the earlier the better.

2. After the movies, be sure to end at some "cool coffee shop ... where there's bizarre looking characters going in and out." That way if conversation flags you can just make fun of freaks!

3. If things go well (after making her do things she doesn't want to and making fun of weirdos), then you can "Trade computer schemes and emails and all that mischief that people are up to on that nowadays which I know nothing about."

Boom, in a nutshell, the ingredients for a successful relationship, or a Presidential campaign.

Slow Tuesday?

2008-09-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

This one popped up in the "breaking news" section of our local paper's online site. Local liberal with a love of lawn signs (and gnomes, tackily enough) had a couple of her Obama/Biden '08 signs stolen from her yard. If you'll recall, the Obama fundraiser machine is charging for signs this year. With the economic times such as they are, she decided to set up a webcam to protect her investment (although the latest sign is handmade, which could also explain the lack of theft). Turns out, the idea is wildly popular as the "channel" the video is streaming on shot near the top of the views chart quickly and apparently has a huge following. Since I know you don't want to be the only one missing out...

We Need More Excuses

2008-09-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

People seem to travel far and wide for one of two things: funerals or weddings. I believe we need to all collectively work on prioritizing mass movements to see the one's we care about and love.

I've been to two phenomenal weddings the last two weeks and it's easy to realize and recognize why your best friends, family and confidants are who they are.

The problem, is that their are only a select few who take the initiative to get together en mass on a regular occurrence. Frankly, that is just not OK and we cannot count on people to throw weddings every year or to pass along. We need to facilitate these relationships with the friends we make and the friends we keep.

All it takes in an excuse to get together. For me, I've utilized Coachella, Euro Vacation, Ducks football, Burning Man and holidays to make this happen. But, I find that the older people get, the priority level of congregating together dwindles.

Maybe we just need to come up with more arbitrary excuses to get together.

So, here is an idea. The Harbin Ice Festival.

Its an annual event every January in the Heilongjiang Province in China. It is the worlds great ice artwork festival. Ice sculptures are decorated with lasers and traditional ice lanterns. There is even an interactive ice lantern park and a luge to ride.

So, who is with me?!?!!?!?

From the major duh file

2008-09-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Entourage is soooo effing good. OK, I know this is seriously old news and I know that you'd have to be a fool to not be watching, but last night was so damn funny that I just thought I'd point it out yet again: pony up and pay the extra $15 per month for HBO. I know it seems like a lot, but that is less than $4 an episode. God, I sound like one of those commercials asking for small contributions to solve big problems (Hello Wilford Brimley).

But seriously, a prank war with Davies? Johnny Drama. Lloyd, freaking Lloyd.

Just think of it as 26 minutes of escapism/therapy before you have to go to work for another 5 days. You work hard, you deserve it.

Why Aren't You Listening to Beck Right Now?

2008-09-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

94 was a crazy one. Lorena Bobbit copped to insanity, Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding both pleaded guilty. Schindler's List swept at the Oscars and Kurt Cobain ended it all. Oh, and don't forget about OJ. The climate was perfect for Beck's hit, Loser, off his first album Mellow Gold. Moody, melodic and completely insane, Beck was strange, dark, and twisted, but tons of fun to listen to. The whole album was filled with bizarre ranting gems like Fuckin' With My Head and Truck Driving Neighbors Downstairs so catchy you'd find yourself singing along.

Most people go through an evolution as a music listener. You grew up on heavy doses of educational/non-threatening happy music - Raffi, School House Rock, etc. Also, if you were lucky, your parents had good taste. The Doors, Stones, Moody Blues, Clapton, and of course, the greatest song in the history of Rock N' Roll: AQUALUNG.

Eventually you start to branch out and find that you have your own opinion. This usually involves some sort of rebellion, no matter how small. The big eye opener for me was Dr. Dre's The Chronic. I remember sitting on the train to Seattle with my Babe Ruth baseball team listening to a borrowed tape of the album and having a major eye-opening experience. I wouldn't say I was sheltered, just tragically naive (oh, and I had a mullet - that's right, sitting on the train, rocking my mullet and mesh backed baseball cap about 12 years pre-Kutcher, bumping Nothin' But a G Thang). But that album did it for me and I realized there was a lot more out there than my parent's music collection. Granted, much of my early exploration was fairly clandestine as the black and white PARENTAL ADVISORY sticker was a death sentence for a disc in our house, but my growth as a music fan was on.

As usual, I have strayed from the original point of this post, which is to proclaim that Beck is among the best, most prolific and creative artists of the 15 or so years that I can claim to be a music lover. With each new album, Beck has continued to grow and reinvent himself - staying relevant, but also intensely creative, diverse and ambitous. He's strayed in and out of pop genres and had the obligatory celeb meltdowns and obsessions (hello Scientology). He also avoided becoming Dave Matthews (15 years, 9 studio albums completely indistinguishable from one another) or Smashing Pumpkins (reinvented themselves right out of mega stardom and their fan base) or REM (still cranking out albums but who cares?).

This year's release Modern Guilt not only lives up to expectations, but is immediately in the running for the QLE's annual top-10 albums of the year (a prestigious award I am sure he had in mind while in the studio). MG is 10 songs of pure pleasure. It's weird, varying in mood, blusey and and trés modérn. Danger Mouse's production is a phenomenal contribution and plays perfectly into the feel of the album as a whole. My personal fav, Youthless features a catchy, repetitive bass
"There's a bottomless pit that we've been climbing from
Just to get on level ground
Shake your seasick legs around
Dead of winter in a logo town
Signs of life are soft and flickering"
It all works swimmingly and the Beck/Danger Mouse pairing reveals itself to be the obvious answer to a question only too recently asked. Get it, rock it, and continue your evolution as a music fan.

Apocalypse Now

2008-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I like music.

I have been know to be frugal.

Add those two up and you get an admiration for free/cheap music.

You are either the type of person who adheres to a strict policy of iTunes and CD purchases, or you fall on the other side of the fence of fence and loot and pillage the web for whatever you can find.

I know that there are a handful of friends that find pleasure in having an album months before release, before anyone else in the circle.

Frankly, being able to say "that album sucks" and to hear the response "wait, its not out for two month" and retort "i know" is the goal of a couple of people I know.

One of the best spots on the net to find downloads is Pop Apocalypse. Within the last month I've got the new Of Montrael, Bloc Party, Mogwai and Peter Bjorn and John pre release date.

Whatever your justification (mine is supporting artist by going to 5-8 shows a month) utilize Anna Apocalypse's hard work and diligence digging up all the material so you can spend less time searching for music and more time reading the QLE.

Shameless Self Promotion

2008-09-18T13:23:00.001-07:00

Despite a bit of a lag during summer, we are happy to say the QLE is back in action. We will continue to do our best to post regularly and strive ever to be entertaining (or at least pass on the work of others who are entertaining).

I must also point out that we LOVE the 5 of you who religiously check the blog. I know it's hard to spell and occasionally a bit obtuse but hopefully still fun. The goal, however, is to continue to pass it on! With Applesauce and @TweeterCarrie at the Web 2.0 conference, we've been pointed toward some new tools to make sure that you can keep up to date with us (and pass us on to your friends - share the love!).

You can sign up with Feedburner using the form on the right. It will send you an email (one a day) when we have new content. If we're slacking, no email, so send Meeps a text and bust his balls. If you don't, you could miss something REALLY funny, like Charles Barkley's 50 most famous quotes. You can also use your RSS feed right in your Outlook to receive updates when new posts go up.

Other ways of sharing - Twitter, Delicious, Facebook, "Follow" the blog (also a link on the R side), or just email it to people. Any other suggestions, feel free to pass them on.

She Blogs She Blogs

2008-09-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I've come to grips with the fact that I'm a "blogger." At first I think it bore a sort of stigma, and I'm still a little embarrassed when revealing it to people for the first time. It's like a guilty pleasure. It's also my room mate's favorite comeback for this move, usually used when I've had a couple drinks and find the conversation has slowed.

Me: Hey (person who is most likely to make a big deal about the factoid I'm about to unload), did you know my friend Nick is the lead singer in a Band?

Them: Really? That's sooo cool! What kind of band?

Me: A rock band.

Nick: Fuck you. Did you know B has a blog?

I digress. One of the things that being a blogger entails is reading other blogs. I read my friend's blogs, I read sports blogs and I will occasionally peruse my way through the 6 degrees of blog separation. Think Myspace/Facebook stalking but with blogs. Here's Lizzie's blog, she reads these blogs. Whose blogs do they read, etc. etc.

A couple different times I have found myself stuck in the descending spiral of the "chick blog." I can't think of a better term for these saucy, salty self-publishers. They have that spice girl/girl power/I've got attitude and I'm funny, irreverent and sarcastic and KNOW IT. They all seem to drink wine, I think it's a code word or something. They also are overflowing with overshare. Pooping, peeing, infections, fat jokes, sex anecdotes, pooping, and insanely embarrassing stories are all par for the course:

The CLEAR winner on this one belongs to a blog spiral that went like this:
Rob Mosely Oregon Ducks Blog>Tales from LaLa Land (a mix of interviews with ex UO players, bad words and chick blogging)>Musings of a Barefoot Foodie. I am still not sure how I got there but all of a sudden I found myself [side note - I was actually reprimanded by Jenna on Saturday night that this was almost too gross to point people to. So, again, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...] reading this post. Prepare yourself because even I found the punchline quite shocking. Anyway, there's plenty more where that come from.

These blogs are generally quite amusing, which explains how I've gotten sucked in.
I am split on whether I want to read more, though... On the one hand, I feel kind of like Screech and Zach when they eavesdropped on Kelly's slumber party to figure out who she was going to ask to the dance. It's like being let in on a whole different world, kind of fascinating, totally weird. On the other hand, I feel like Mel Gibson in What Women Want - suddenly granted access to the insane mind and world of women and faced with a whole bunch of information which, frankly, I'd rather leave shrouded in the mystique of the fairer sex.

Obama's Two Fathers

2008-09-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

In case you missed the bombshell dropped during the DNC a few weeks back

Check out this clip from Terry Moran. A moment for the history books

Leaf Blowers

2008-09-15T14:01:00.001-07:00

Fall is here, leaves are falling, and Jackasses everywhere are using the loudest, least efficient tool possible to blow them (along with dust, trash, and anything else on the ground) out of their yard.

It's an interesting mindset: I want these leaves out of my yard. I think I'll blow them all over the sidewalk, into the street and into your yard instead. And I'll do it by running the most obnoxiously loud device I can get my hands on.

And what lazy bastard thinks this leaf blowing device is actually a good idea? The only reason leaf blowers work is because there's only about one real Jacknife per block who actually thinks it's socially acceptable to take the mess that's in his yard and blow it out into the neighborhood. If everyone did it, it would be an awesome battle royale with leaves flying, dust in the air and gum wrapper projectiles aplenty.

As Mitch Hedberg pointed out, just about everything should have two names - such as a "cheese grater" could also be called a "sponge ruiner." I'll work for the next few days coming up with alternative names for the leaf blower, I think I'll go with the Not My Problem Machine (narrowly lost out to the Jackass Jetpack).

If you're reading this, chances are, everything is fine.

2008-09-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, that means that the world has not ended, the moon has not disappeared (that I can tell) and no destructive dark matter or universe devouring black holes have been created... Yet. If you need any further proof, you can click on the following site from a particle collider watchdog (seriously click on it, it's funny) www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com.

What is the LCH? It's a 17 mile underground tunnel that scientists are going to use to smash particles into each other in an attempt to re-create the beginning of the universe. OK, so that doesn't make a ton of sense, maybe we'll turn to Wikipedia to explain what it is. That doesn't help a ton either. Well, regardless, it's a huge machine and it does something big and potentially scary (to some people).

From my understanding we're not out of the woods yet. Today they sent a particle one way around the 17 mile loop - soon they will be sending one each way to make them crash into each other for the real "subatomic fireworks."

I listened to a clip from the countdown, it went something like this: "3... 2... 1... LAUNCH WAHOO IT WORKED!" It didn't take very long for the subatomic particle to go 17 miles at near the speed of light. Pretty anticlimactic to me, but the scientists were stoked (after 25 years and $80 Billion who can blame them).

So anyway, breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate a little today that our universe wasn't whiped out while you slept, or, if you like to worry, just wait for the next big bang...

Goji Berry. En Vogue In 2009

2008-09-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

Recently, it seems that we as consumers have been bombarded with a hot new berry or fruit every year. Theses berries tote health benefits galore and social superiority aplenty.

In 2006 it was the campaign for the Blackberry (not the mobile device). 2007 we saw the rise of the Pomegranate . In '08 it was Acai (AH-SA-EEE). Be sure not to get that wrong phonetically at whole food or else risk a verbal lashing by the dude with spacers in his ears in the produce department.

I've been hearing rumblings within the health conscious community, Diageo, Jamba Juice cashier and grocery network that next year we are going to see a full court press for the Goji berry.

What really kills me about this is that its seemingly arbitrary and every yearly winner seems to burst on the scene as the best antioxidant, along with the highest amount of physically allowable daily recommended vitamins in the world. There are nutrients in these berries that haven't even been invented yet.

WTF is a BJD?

2008-09-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever said to yourself, "Hmm, I sure wish dolls looked more lifelike. I think I'd really like a two foot tall DOLL that more accurately mimics a human being, including realistic, movable joints." Well, if you have, here's what you've been looking for, the Ball Jointed Doll.

Oh, I'm sorry, you'd like something far creepier? Well, we've got the answer for you - google BJD Doll and you'll see numerous sites of people who photograph BJDs in provocative poses.

I love NPR because you never know what you'll hear. Sure, you can find some predictable left-leaning political coverage and endless discussion of the Israel/Palestine conflict, but every once in a while they will drop a pop culture story on you that just should not be missed (they also have great music).

Today, I was lucky enough to be listening to NPR's story on BJDs and boy oh boy did it make my drive home better. Click through to NPR.org and listen to or read the story about BJDs. Of course, I strongly recommend listening so you can hear the women who collect these dolls say crazy shit like:

"I have one 15-year-old girl who is my love," she says. "I have ordered for her a boyfriend who is a boxer and a physicist who will take good care of her. I've also ordered a vampire for her ... I couldn't resist."

YouTube Hits

2008-09-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

The QLE did our own Youtube Top 10 a while back - you can check it out here. Personally, I really feel like we nailed that one and I am pretty sure inspired Rolling Stone to do their Top 25 funniest Online Videos. Some of theirs suck, some made me laugh out loud. So, if you're looking for a way to blow a solid 30 minutes of your day, dig in.

A couple of my favs from their list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkqqMPPg2VI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xjOQYtgsiw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7oCDbDebDA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0po1WRIIMg

Horsey Face B

2008-09-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

Personally, I think H Swank is the #1 Horse face out there, but this site would argue otherwise. First of all, make sure you have the volume up when you load the page. Then enjoy 14 pages of simple comedic genius.

www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

No Disrespect

2008-09-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

Disrespect is a funny issue. I know a guy named Joe who claims to be an expert on disrespect. Big Tuna clearly has NO idea what actually IS or is NOT disrespectful. I mean this is beyond classic. [I'd also like to point out that I came to this little gem of brilliant wonder via Deeks Mangreen - Thanks!]

Breaking News: Baseball Season Still Plugging Away

2008-09-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

Baseball is boring. Its a snoozer. Let's all admit it and move on with our lives.

The season started in late March, its now September, and the REGULAR season is still not finished.

I submit, that nobody cares anymore, save all the weirdos from Boston and New York that I know.

I'm done with baseball. I'm done watching it on TV. I do not want to talk about it and I certainly do not want to find myself in another conversation with a bunch of people talking about baseball that do not know what they are talking about because they all find the sport terribly tiresome.

Next time someone says the word baseball, mentions a team or a player, I'm walking away.

You are now all warned.

I'm over going to the ballpark.

"Oh, but the ballpark is so beautiful." Yeah, but how about the city park, state park, national park, beach, your girlfriend, that concert venue, etc...

The last thing I want to do with me free time is sit in a child size scorching hot metal seat and watch grown men stand around in Lycra and adjust their cups - all while spending $8 on beer just to make the event slightly passable.

The game is so boring that players are rooted at their positions only to move sporadically for 5-20 second increments. Further, the players are all so checked out that they all have a chewing tabacco habit just to keep the buzz going to pay attention.

Baseball has no time limit. Extra innings at a baseball game means time to go home. Every other sport its exhilarating.

The next time I walk into a bar and there are grown men entrenched at the stools watching the afternoon game of the two out of contention teams with players nobody's ever heard of with the sound of "Freebird" playing in the background it not only time to walk out, but time to reevaluate my life.

I am sick of all the "National Pastime" prestige that thrown around when mentioning baseball. The only reason it was the nations sport was because baseball, football, hockey and soccer were not around yet.

Ever watched a full baseball game on TV. Didn't think so. Last time a baseball game was on at my house I left in the 3rd inning, went to the gym, then the movie theater, came back, showered and the game was in the 2ND inning. I know, seemingly impossible, but true.

Baseball also doesn't have any personalities that you can love, or love to hate. Who is the Ron Mexico, Pac-Man Jones or Ocho Cinco of baseball? There is definitely no Brett Favre of baseball.

Baseball sucks.

The season is 162 games long. 6 months. Half a year. Who has time for this!?!? What kind of lives are these baseball fans living where they can invest so much time in such a time suck.

This litany of reasons can go on and on, but I think I can speak for 99% of my friends when I say that I just don't care anymore.

Are these people for real?

2008-09-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if these writers are completely clueless, not paying attention or just bored at work and trying to spice things up. Really, though, read your article before submitting it to your editor, who, in theory, should read it too.

Recent bests include:
Lead paragraph about a local columnist who died during open heart surgery quotes a friend: "He had a great heart."

Or, after a 15 year old surfer lost his arm in a boat accident, his father is quoted as saying, "Losing an arm, that's a difficult thing for a 15 year old to grasp."

Today's winner, an article about an 80 meter race (with video) where competitors are required to wear 3-inch heels:

"Former Australian sprinter Melinda Gainsford-Taylor inspected the athletes and ensured they were wearing the mandatory three-inch heels.

"I don't think I've experienced such energy since my racing days," Australia's Age reported her as saying.

"All the girls were pumped," she told Australian media.

I'm Feeling Mislead

2008-09-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it, I don't like Woody Allen that much. He's funny, I get that. Smashing sense of humor, great comedic timing and generally his films are cleverly and enjoyably written, but none of them fall even within my top 50. After receiving glowing recommendations I recently watched Annie Hall. Eh, yawn. Couple laughs, funny scenes, but it took me a couple weeks of 20 minutes here and there to see the whole thing.

Despite that, boy oh boy was I excited to see Vicky Christina Barcelona. My #1 and #2 favorite (and hottest) actresses, in one of my favorite countries in the world with some laughs and, of course, a sexy storyline between two beautiful women...

Thud.

You've been tricked, this is not a sexy movie! If anything, ScarJo and Penelope are a side show to the neuroticly annoying (but still cute) Rebecca Hall and her depressingly realistic relationship woes. You'll laugh, and you'll enjoy Javier Bardem, but you'll also be disappointed more than once in this one. Save it for video.

Body Wash

2008-08-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

I don't really understand why all these companies are trying to push body wash on me. During my 5 hour College Football kickoff last night I was assaulted on numerous occasions by commercials featuring naked men in the shower luxuriously massaging themselves with some sort of gel soap. I know sex sells, but this is not the sex that's going to sell me and convince me to discard my old friend, soap.

Soap is one of those things that I just don't think can be improved upon. It comes in a convenient bar form that travels well, applies easily to the whole body, is inexpensive, and remarkable effective. I've never used soap to wash myself and said afterward, "Dang, that soap just didn't do the job, I wish it did X."

Body wash is foofy. It comes in some sharply designed container and is advertised to have a variety of properties that will make you more desirable (Hello Axe?), manly, cleaner, softer, etc. Personally, while I, like everyone, constantly seeks to be as desirable, clean, manly yet soft, I just don't see that $7 bottle of body wash getting the job done. Oh, and for 9 out of 10 women the word DOUCHEBAG pops out of their mouth every time they smell an Axe product.

The biggest problem is maybe I just don't understand how to use the product. Every time I attempt a body-washing, luxuriously rubbing myself with some bright blue gel that smells like a 13 year old's cologne, I:
1. Use half the bottle to achieve the proper lather. It gets all over except in the reigons most in need of cleaning. Could be that I'm lacking a loufa, but I will not purchase an accessory to to make bodywash act like soap when soap acts like soap as is. Why, as a 20-something man, is loufa even a part of my vocabulary?
2. I don't feel like it gets things clean. In fact, it leavs me feeling less clean and kind of slippery. I don't like that.

Bottom line, other than GoJo Orange, I can't imagine a liquid cleaner that will surpass soap so please, everyone, let's stop with this silliness and leaving the loufa-ing to the ladies.

Soap: keeping you clean since 2800 BC.

And So It Begins

2008-08-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today is a very special day, a day eagerly anticipated for about 9 months every year. Today is the kickoff of college football season. Tailgating, rivalries, screaming until you're hoarse, betting, compulsive internet reading and, of course, talking a HUGE amount of shit.

Shit talking during the college football season is truly one of a kind, mostly because it knows virtually no bounds. No subject is off limits, and no claim of superiority too ridiculous For example, USC fans claiming they also received a superior education. Really? The 5 straight conference championships and BCS Bowl appearances weren't enough to prove superiority? Now you're bragging about the "quality of education" you received? If by education you mean learning to snort your parents money off a drivers license in the Viper Room bathroom, by all means, you win this round.

But that's not all, mascots, stadiums, student sections, hotness of cheerleaders, hotness of coeds, it's all out there and everyone thinks theirs is the best. So, when I stumbled across Radar Magazine's Online Guide to Bad Education, I felt compelled to pass it on, with, of course, some Cliff Notes in case you have to pretend to be busy today. Feel free to use this in your shit talking repertoir this fall, well, except for Reed College, unless your nerdy, exclusive Liberal Arts college is playing them in Quidditch.

Most Superficial goes to, you guessed it, USC. Not much to say that isn't painfully obvious on that one, except for this stunning figure: $50,000 a year to attend! That is $200,000 for 4 years (for only 65%...), and that's before Prada bags, Juicy sweatsuits, Chanel Sunglasses, and, oh yeah, the drugs... Ouch!

The Most Intolerant top 2 shouldn't really strike anyone as a big surprise - University of Mississippi and Brigham Young University. Seriously, this one is like a game of "Would you Rather" - with an endless debate about the lesser of two evils. Racist Crackers or Religoius Zealouts (not to mention no youtube, drinking, caffeine, Youtube, etc.). Yipes!

The Most Stoned is also a good one. Another California school (surprise!) pops up in the list with 4 out of 5 applications being accepted, but only half of those make it out in four years. The runner up, once again, deserves mentioning as the Dread-Headed step child of USC. Parents have money? Want to go somewhere with people equially as superficial as you but just can't quite get the GPA in USC territory? Or have you just not come to grips with your parents money? Looking for somewhere that you won't feel ridiculous climbing into a Range Rover with patched together pants, a dirty beard, Chacos and dreads (hello Trustafarian). Let me tell you about a magical little place called, Boulder...

Most Insuffrable - Reed College, "Known for its 'French-café-know-it-all" culture, Reed churns out the kind of smug, self-righteous bombasts you thought were possible only in subtitled movies. Notes one campus observer, succinctly, "Everyone I've ever met that goes or went to Reed is either full of themselves or full of shit."

Most Insecure - Fnally, I am happy to report an in-state school made the list as well! The #1 runner up in the country, Oregon State University. The state's second biggest school with the second best athletic program is like the annoying younger brother with a serious inferiority complex. OK, so I made this one up, but I hope they enjoy their new more "workmanlike" jerseys this year - the'll look great with an Emerald Bowl patch on the shoulder.

Well that's it for the list, but I encourage you, keep the debate open, keep the conversation flowing because things will only get better over the next three months.

Headline of the Day

2008-08-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

"Policing Porn on Airlines?"

Yup, that's what I came across on my 2:45 pm perusal of CNN.com (as clearly distinguished from my 2:30 pm perusal of CNN.com).

First off, is that really what qualifies as a headline these days? A wide open, possibly rhetorical statement relying on the strength of the word PORN to draw in viewers. OK, OK, point taken, it worked as I was quick to click on this one.

The video it fires up is of Mike Galanos, an absurd caricature of the 24 hour news cycle anchor man. Righteously indignant, sleeves rolled up, gyrating in his chair at the mere thought of the outrage he may suffer, he stares into the camera, gripping his pen-as-prop and preaches:

"Filter out the CRAP, I don't want my son sitting next to a PERVERT who's watching porn."

"I'm all for people surfing the "net," just put a filter up to keep out the garbage."

"Let's get some calls in, Jan in California, Jan, isn't this ridiculous?"

Hey, Galanos, you closet porn fiend, get a life. We all agree that we don't want some dude watching Max Hardcore in 21E when we're in 21F, but quit pretending to be a news man, quit telling your guests their opinion and for the love of Melanoma, lay off the tanning bed.

A quick Google of the "net" with no "filter" brings up some awesome results for Galanos the porn fiend, including a petition to get him kicked off CNN (with some good comments I might add). No one seems to like him and there are some stellar adjectives ("douchy" popped up more than once) to describe his obnoxious delivery and Conservative/Moral Values bent.

Bottom line, I would have been able to stand him and might even respect his work a little if he'd just gotten Samuel L Jackson on there: "We've got to get this MUTHAFUCKIN' PORN off this MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!"

QLE Etiquette Tip of The Day

2008-08-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

Everybody has those little meltdowns. You get into an argument with someone, usually in a public place and neither side sees eye to eye. For example, this morning, I arrived at my parking spot to find all the spaces were taken. Our parking is located in a trendy part of town and, this being Portland, we share our lot with a coffee shop. I regularly find my parking spot occupied by some caffeine junkie, feening for their morning jolt, who apparently was too bleary eyed to read the "Reserved Parking" sign. On numerous occasions I have complained to the coffee shop owner who usually looks at me, shrugs and gives me the equivalent of "Not my problem, bub."

This morning (Monday) I arrived to find that, once again, someone had parked in my spot. So, I parked on the coffee shop's side of the lot to head into work and investigate if the offender was from our building or not. About one block away from the lot, someone screams HEY and runs up behind me. I turn around, and there is the coffee shop owner in attack mode. Finger in my face she informs me that if I don't move my car she's going to tow me. On my first try I explain the situation - hey, the parking lot is often a problem, I am heading over to figure this out. She continues with inarticulate threats. Suddenly there are bystanders - someone walking up the sidewalk, another guy from the office next door - both wide eyed at the insane small business owner's display.

Ultimately, I make the right choice, move my car and avoid the verbal melee that was sure to ensue (Oh really? You really need that extra parking spot for the one customer per hour you service? Oh, and your paninis suck! A panini is grilled ciabatta, NOT wonder bread, loser!). We all have these little fights, and we all picture how they could go (both the right and the wrong way).

I did it right, the Cuban [wow, scratch my earlier Brazillian comment, so much for the QLE's journalistic integrity] Taekwondo guy did it wrong when he roundhoused the referee (and the coffee shop owner is lucky I'm not this flexible, attacking from behind like that!).

Nelly - Hot in Herre

2008-08-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

Juxtaposed to Radiohead, Nelly is on the other side of the music genius spectrum. We all jammed out to this track and we all know the lyrics. This was THE defining college fratastic classic. Banging Pharrell beat. Great sleazy video. Easy to remember hook and call backs. Its got it all. HOT IN HERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE

Congrats to Radiohead

2008-08-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

This week marks the 9th year in a row that Radiohead is my favorite band. For being such a fickle bitch and waffler, I'd say that is a minor miracle.

They must really be the best band in the world if they can stand up to all my non-committing and flakiness.

In the same time period I've constantly wrestled internally about my favorite sports teams, cities to live, life priorities, soda vs. coffee, food preferences, snootiness and lack-there-of, authors and movie directors.

However, I've never wavered on my music preference.

Here we are on the morning of the first ever Outside Lands Festival in San Francisco and Radiohead is headlining tonight. They deserve that closing slot and have earned it by making and mastering all the right music specifically tailored to my yearns and desires. Here is the part in the post where I am supposed to dive into the nuances of what makes them so great. But suffice to say that you either get it or you don't. Again, congrats to Thom Yorke and his band of brothers.

Taking it to a whole new level

2008-08-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist this one...

Thirsty Thursdays, the $2 beer night at Portland's PGE Park (Home to the Portland Beavers), is the place to be on Thursday nights during the summer. Cheap beer, tiny "outfits," overly tanned under worked Sorority Girls and Frat Guys and the crushing reality of a 5 day work week to the young 20-somethings can make for a rough Friday morning.

Last night, it wasn't just the half-lidded dude monching nachos after 15 beers (in the 3rd inning) or the girl in 4 inch stillettos taking a spill in the ever winding beer garden line (or the inevitable baseball to the dome as she "chats" vapidly with her back to the game).

No, last night, the whole place blacked out, according to The Oregonian:

"A fallen tree was blamed for a power failure tonight that blacked out PGE Park for 90 minutes, suspending a game between the Portland Beavers and their rivals from Tacoma. PGE spokeswoman Elaina Medina said the outage hit ... the ballpark, about 9 p.m."

Yup, sounds about right to me. Wonder if the Ballpark went to Mazatlan for a Tequilla shot and a giant burrito then threw up, too?

Free iPod

2008-08-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

No, this post is not going to be full of spam, no you don't have to forward this to 100 friends (although passing on the QLE to friends IS recommended), but if you've got some spare time this week and don't mind doing a little finagling, a free $150 new toy awaits.

Go to the Key Bank website for terms conditions, etc. Basically it goes like this - get free checking, use your debit card and make two $100 bill payment transfers (cell phone bill, pay your credit card you've been meaning to pay anyway) and voila, a shiny new Nano shows up in the mail. The caveat, of course, is that you must keep the account open 6 months (or get slapped with a $25 fee - still a good deal!) and it will take a while to get your award, but for the grand total cost of $0 it's a smoking hot deal. There are two kickers:
1. You have until Friday to get the deal done (which I believe is as easy as applying online)
2. You will have a 1099 INT (basically telling the IRS you got this banking benefit) - but you can work that out with your tax adviser.

To take it one step further - if you're one of the many distressed by GoMusic.ru no longer taking VISA (chalk another one up for the recording industry), but don't want to give some site from Russia your bank account number - especially with they way THEY are taking things over lately (too soon?), then in theory you could use your Key Bank account as a "buffer" - putting money in there to get yourself cheap, high quality music but not giving them access to your big 3 figure savings account.

Willie Make It, Honey Bucket: Porta-Potty Etiquette

2008-08-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

The QLE, although occasionally irreverent, sarcastic and a bit crude, works hard to ensure that all readers are aware of and do not fall afoul of, many of life unwritten etiquette rules.

Today we'd like to offer a little help to the drunken moron who walks in front of lines of people, or you, girl in ridiculously slutty outfit who flirts her way to the front - that's right there are basic rules and etiquette for standing in line for the hot, smelly, plastic porto.

It's summer, and that means that you will inevitably find yourself standing in a sweaty crush of people with dirty feet, a sunburned face, a mild buzz going and a SEVERELY full bladder. The only option is to wade through the crowd: "Excuse me, pardon, might if I... yeah, right through there. Um, bro, is it cool if I - yeah, thanks. *Splash* - yeah, no problem. Yeah, wahooo! Cheers to you too! OK, thanks." After enough of this nonsensical stupidity, you arrive.

No, wait, that can't be right. You ask youself, then you ask those around you, "Is this really the line for the toilets?" Inevitably, you get a "Yeah, bro, sucks, huh?" So you're in line with about 500 people waiting for 10 toilets, and you have about 7 minutes until absolute disaster. So despite what you perceive as impending doom, be sure to follow a few simple rules, or risk shouts, poured beer, heckling for 499 people or worse, getting your Honey Bucket dumped over with you in it...

First - feel free to do a little recon! There is an amazing new type of public piss system: the portable trough! That's right, 12 dudes, one porto. Now, even at beer festivals, notorious for being dude heavy, you can skip the lines and all you have to do is crowd into a hot, cramped piss soaked room with eleven other bro-hards.

Wait your turn. Yes, that means you drunk person, angry person, person who has to pee (yeah, we're all right there with you) little kid (minus visible accident), hot girl, girl who think's she's hot, "confused" person, everyone.

Pick your line, stick with it. You don't see people swirving all over the toll plaza 10 feet from the booth. That's not how it works. Roll the dice and hope your line gets done quicker than everyone else's.

Don't save spots. I don't care what the excuse, if you have a group of 5 friends join you (or even one) you're looking for trouble.

Finally, don't be afraid to double up. If your parts complement the porto's parts, you can each relieve yourself simultaneously. For this to work, on person must be able to pee standing up in the urinal (not a purse holder as a friend's gramma thought...). Two girls are actually three times slower than one girl. However, a guy and a girl can get the job done just fine and in (relative) privacy (thank you barn dance).

In the end, I am sure you'll make it. And once you're in there, enjoy the relief and make everyone's day better, if you only remember one thing, remember to put the seat up... Both of them.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? (Part II)

2008-07-10T11:00:00.001-07:00

A while back I wrote a bit of a rant about the cyclist culture in Portland. In the interest of full disclosure, I must first admit that since that time, I have started doing a fair amount of bike riding. Notice I do not call myself a cyclist. I do not have a jersey of any kind. My bike has both gears and brakes. I don't even think I would call myself a cycling enthusiast. I just think of myself as a guy who rides bikes.

Well, Portland cyclist culture has once again given me good reason to distance myself from the snooty, lock in the belt loop, socks over shoes, car hating crowd. You can check out the story as published in the Oregonian or on BikePortland.org. If you are really looking for a good laugh, dig into the comments sections on each piece, as I can't begin to do either one justice. The story is priceless:

Average Portland Guy Colin Yates is driving his green Subaru wagon in SE Portland (it's already so good you couldn't make this shit up!). Sees biker punk (probably wearing chain wallet and stupid hat with flipped up visor instead of brain-protecting helmet) run through two red lights.

APG Colin, a self described cycling advocate chases down biker and lectures him for making bikers look bad. Rogue Punk Biker Steven McAtee flips his lid. Chases the car, screaming, threatening etc. and enoourages APG Colin to stop and have a good old fashioned throw down.

APG Colin stops, confronts RPB Steven and gets more than he bargained for when RPB Steven picks up his bike and uses it as a weapon to attack APG Colin, his Average Portland Car containing his Average Portalnd Family. The brawl is derailed only by a Hancock-esque citizen laying out RPB Steven with a single punch haymaker (dear god how I would have loved to see that).

So, now there is a scene. Car stopped, smashed up hood, biker on the ground and it's drawing attention. The obvious happens next (picture Thriller or West Side Story) a group of Disgruntled Passersby Bikers gang up on and attack APG Colin as he stands next to his APC Subaru.

The police eventually show up to break up the hostile mobe of DPBs and sort things out, and this is where it gets good. RPB Steven is a city employee... In the transportation department! And he was hammered (probably after drinking too many pints of Organic IPA w/ too high of an IBU), possibly fueling his drunken bike weilding rage!

I think the Portland Police spokesman summed it up best, "It's almost kind of quintessentially a Portland thing."

Quick Trivia

2008-07-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

I will leave it to you to decide whether Hancock is good or not, but I had no idea that the film's director, Peter Berg, also played the tragic Dexter ('Dex') Rutecki in one of the most influential movies of my life, Aspen Extreme. Possibly my favorite part of his role is when he has to dress up in the Santa costume as a ski teacher. It was even better watching it come true in my own Copper Mountain Extreme experience when Huff had to dress as the Copper Cougar for a day and chase little kids around on tiny skis.

Love Dex, TJ, Bryce and of course, Franz. Although I usually wait until at least November, I may have to pop AE into the VHS a little sooner this year.

Men's Health

2008-07-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

I cannot stand Men's Health. Frankly, I cannot stand Men's Journal either.

How are these magazines so popular? I find them so defeating.

My problem begins and ends with the cover. Every magazine read something similar to:

1324 Women reveal their secrets to Sex! Or, 35 Watches that you Need NOW! Or 15 Foods that Build Muscle! And why with all the exclamation points?

What they are really saying is more like the following:

1. 20 Foods that you Cannot Even Find at your Local Health Food Store and if you could you wouldn't want to spend $5 or that 5oz piece of fruit anyway!

2. 50 Suits that you and none of your Immediate Friends Could Ever Afford! And if we're really going to be spending $4,00 on something Italian, it better damn well be an Italian vacation

3. 40 Women that you'll Never Have a Chance Dating!

4. 35 Watches that will Make You Feel Like a Complete Douche for Spending $5,00o!

5. 12 Vacations that You Can Never Afford!

6. 120 Sex Tips that Will Get You Nowhere Fast!

7. 1530 Different Things that will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Situation In Life!

8. 240 Reasons With You are Not As Cool As The Guy On The Cover of This Magazine!

Coffee

2008-07-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

Definition: a widely-consumed stimulant beverage prepared from roasted seeds, commonly called coffee beans, of the coffee plant. Today, Coffee is one of the most popular beverages in the world.

Sounds like something Brandon would enjoy, right? Wrong.

Brandon does not partake in the exercise in drinking coffee. I have met few people like this and i just cannot figure it out. The only time I've seen him drink coffee is in a foreign country.

I remember him drinking coffee in Morocco, Holland, Spain, Ireland. The list goes on, but I've never seen him at or suggest a Starbucks.

1. Coffee is delicious. You can find a flavor or brew that is perfectly designed to massage your pallet.

2. Coffee is commonly known as a social gathering. As in, "lets meet for coffee." Or, "how about we discuss over coffee?"

3. Drinking soda in the morning is just not cool anymore. Frankly, soda(pop) is just not acceptable in general. The last time someone said: "lets go grab a couple of cokes" and you thought to yourself "man, thats so hip!!" was in a Jimmy Stewart movie circa 1962.

4. You can make it at home and bring it with you. You also get the sense of feeling like a barista in the morning. Everyone that has been a barista can relate with the fact that it sure is gratifying to make a coffee and not have to hand it off to the the guy in the two-piece or the lady about ready to embark on her morning 5K walk.

5. If you're tired, coffee is better than an energy drink, but not as good as a trip to the gym. I believe the days of throwing down a 16oz Rockstar at 6AM should be behind you by the time you're 25. But, a couple of 16oz 'Star's at 9PM on a Saturday night, that is still debatable.

6. If you are living in the NW it is boarder line taboo not to partake in coffee. This is the land where Starbucks, Peet's, SBC and Coffee People were born.

7. Coffee is good warm and cold. Soda is not good warm.

8. Coffee is like golf. You have to at least be familiar with the beverage, willing to drink it and find a way to enjoy some of the nuances that it offers in orders to get by in life. You do not want to be the person in a business meeting that shoots an 9 off the first tee and you do not want to be the jack-a-lantern that orders an Italian Soda at Starbucks.

If there is anything I'm missing, please add and with any luck, Brandon may see the light that coffee is one of life's great treasures.

Quintessential Living Arrangement

2008-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

From the land of glass covered sidewalks, built to scale man-made replica islands of the world and Sheiks with underwear more expensive than Raef LaFrentz contract comes the unveiling of the world's first SHAPE SHIFTING SKYSCRAPER.

Uh, yeah. This is basically a big middle finger fuck you "I Win" out to the rest of the architecture world if renowned techy David Fisher can pull this off. Completion date: 2010

Here are the need-to-knows:

420-meter rotating skyscraper

80-story

Each floor rotates independently. What?!?!?!

TOWER BUILD ON PREFAB units

So, I guess I'll believe it when I see it

Fan Mail

2008-06-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

The sports world is officially dead as of this weekend. After KP dominates the draft once again, what is left to watch? Tiger is out, Euro Cup is over, no football news for a while - just baseball, plugging away, playing their insane number of games and inspiring yet another year of apathy until September. So this time of year lends itself to reflection. In the case of one loyal QLE reader, reflections on the love that sports inspire. You can love your car, you can love your dog, you can even love a sports team, but can you love your sports columnist? A reflection of Deeks Mangreen's struggle to answer that question below.
--
Dear Bill,

I started reading your column in the summer of 2007, and I must say: I love your stuff. But I seriously kind of hate you.

You are in fanhood euphoria while I am stuck on planet earth. Back-to-back-to-back sports seasons where your team competed for a championship (RedSox, Patriots, Celtics). I swear, that is just not right.

I'm torn and am not sure exactly what I think about you. Love/hate relationship? Maybe, but I'm more of a "this or that" kind of guy. Don't like sitting on the fence.

I was an econ major in college and learned that a cost/benefit analysis can help you figure out just about anything, so I'm going to lay out the costs and benefits of me reading your column.

BENEFIT: You are a total fan!!! And I can totally relate to that! (Ignoring of course the fact that you are a total homer fan of teams I happen to hate.

COST: You're a total homer fan of horrible teams that I happen to hate.

BENEFIT: You are f'ing funny. I laugh a lot when reading your stuff.

COST: Totally blows my cover at work. I work in finance and let me tell you, the stock market isn't exactly hilarious these days.

BENEFIT: I'm convinced I'll be cursed and have 3 daughters just like my uncle. You gave me hope in Learning About Sports From a 2 1/2 Year Old that if I only have daughters, I'll be able to convince them to like sports ... at least during their formative years.

COST: Me thinking that having all daughters really wouldn't be THAT bad further ensures that I will only have daughters.

BENEFIT: It was really nice of you to warn me not to read this column wherein you BLATANTLY HATE on the future of the NBA.

COST: Of course I read it you dummy! And you totally pissed me off. You were just jealous. 2 blazer fans? Seriously? I have steam coming out of my ears right now.

BENEFIT: Your luck as a fan gives other fans (me) hope.
COST: All of your teams are firing on all cylinders right now. Literally all of them. That has NEVER happened to me and gets me so fired up.

This list could go on, but making the list has already helped me gain clarity. Look ... It's not like I ever think that the Blazers will win an NBA championship, followed by the Oregon Ducks winning the BCS, followed by the Cleveland Browns winning the Super bowl (don't ask about the Browns thing ... it's a long story involving a friend buying my buddy and I as many free hot dogs as we can eat if we go to Cleveland and watch a game). I know that the chance of all of my teams having your teams' success probably isn't going to happen. But the fact that the last 8-9 months have been so practically perfect for you (everybody knows you jinxed the Pats, so it's your fault it wasn't 100% perfect ) - I guess it teaches me to not totally give up hope. Because afterall ... isn't that what being a fan is all about?

So ... at the end of all of this ... I will keep reading. But seriously, don't write stuff about the Blazers like that again. Oden will punish you for it next year, I promise. Thanks for all the hard work - and enjoy this 1 good year of Celtics hoops b/c they are old as dirt and don't have much gas left. Meanwhile, my team has a good 8-12 solid years left in Roy, Oden, Aldridge.

Your Reader,

Rob

The new worst movie of '08

2008-06-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

First off, my apologies to Kevin Bacon and all the tiny minds responsible for Death Sentence. I thought you had the stranglehold on the worst movie of 2008. Unfortunately you have been replaced. Now, this isn't to say that Be Kind Rewind is actually a worse movie overall, but seriously, BKR, what is your excuse?

My justifications for watching in the first place:

1. Starring Mos Def (#69 on Stuff White People Like), Jack Black, and Danny Glover, all people who have made me laugh and entertained me at some point.

2. Directed by Michael Gondry. He has made music videos for some of my favorite bands and directed great, award winning movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

3. A 67% on Rotten Tomatoes. Usually a pretty good guide, but a good lesson - always read the synopses and I would have seen warning words like "schmaltzy" and "corny cool and beautiful."

So it shouldn't be horrible, right? Wrong. It was apparent in about the first 10 minutes that we were in for an aimless, boring, overly sentimental crap fest full of rambling side stories, unclear plot motivations and irrelevant Jack Black "comedy."

The story was boring and sappy, the jokes were painfully obvious and I found myself repeatedly wondering: did all of these people sit around and have to convince themselves "Jack Black wearing a colander on his head will be REALLY funny!" I would expect that out of summer camp skit, not a lineup of this caliber.

Update to Shaq the Rapper

2008-06-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well, turns out that Shaq's night job (being a fly MC) is interfering with his other night job, being a deputy sheriff in Phoenix.

You may be familiar with Joe Arpaio. He's the Phoenix-area Sheriff who clearly idolizes the warden in Midnight Run. No, he doesn't break prisoners' feet on a regular basis, but he does make them eat green bologna and live in tent cities in the Arizona desert all while wearing pink underwear. You get the picture - don't cross Joe, you'll be sorry.

Apparently Joe doesn't like quasi homo erotic rhetorical questions about the taste of Shaq's ass either, according to this story. Part of me likes this - it's true, no special treatment for Shaq. Part of me can't help picture a kid on the day they visit the firehouse in grade school getting the sticker-fireman's-badge ripped unceremoniously off his chest for pulling Suzy's pigtails.

The good news is he can always move to Portland where apparently anyone can become sheriff no matter how big of an a-hole you are.

Shaq Attaq!!!

2008-06-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

You may recall Shaq Diesel. How about Shaq-Fu? Or maybe Kazaam? All three rap monikers of the Big Aristotle back when he was laying rhymes over less than dope beats.

Last weekend we witnessed the lyrical renaissance of the Phoenix Suns Center at a small NYC Club. Notables to look for in the footage include Shaq blaming Kobe for ruining his marriage, knocking Kobe for not being able to win a Championship and asking Kobe a less than appetizing question about his posterior.

Shaq-Fu, Da Return........

Girl Talk - Free(ish) Music

2008-06-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

Girl Talk is sick. Some people don't know or don't understand, but it's only because you haven't thrown on your headphones and listened to the ridiculous intricacy of what this kid does.

You can give it a listen on this "fan video" of my favorite song off the last album Night Ripper here on youtube. Or, an alternative version here featuring Hillary Clinton dancing to Girl Talk - not sure if it's even funny, but man Youtube is a weird place.

He leads off his latest release, Feed the Animals with a 17 sample mix up as detailed here on Wikipedia:

"Play Your Part (Pt. 1)" - 4:45

0:01 UGK with OutKast - International Player's Anthem (I Choose You)
0:01 Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin
0:01 The Unicorns - I Was Born (A Unicorn)
0:32 DJ Funk - Pump That Shit
1:08 Pete Townshend - Let My Love Open the Door
1:19 Unk - Walk It Out
1:59 Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It
2:04 Huey Lewis and the News - The Heart of Rock & Roll
2:13 Lil Mama - G-Slide
2:29 Ludacris - Whats Your Fantasy
2:36 Temple of the Dog - Hunger Strike
3:04 Aaliyah ft. Timbaland - We Need a Resolution
3:05 T.I. - What You Know
3:08 Lil Wayne with Birdman - Stuntin' Like My Daddy
3:41 Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U
4:32 Shawnna - Gettin' Some
4:32 Jay-Z - Big Pimpin'

The good news? Illegal Art and Girl Talk are offering the new album for download "Radiohead-Style." Jump on the Illegal Art site right here and download it asap. According to Wikipedia if you opt to pay $0, you have to fill out a questionnaire (in short why the eff are you so cheap?). So download it and check it out, oh, and watch Hillary Clinton bounce that one more time.

Some Dude vs. Chris Martin

2008-06-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

We've seen it 1,000 times. Coldplay releases amazing album featuring summer song Viva la Vida. Album shoots to top of charts. Chris Martin gets celebratory BJ from Gwyneth. Some dude (Andrew Hoepfner of Creaky Boards) says CM stole the song from him after attending a Creaky Boards show in NYC. Story detailed here. Be sure to check out the bulleted comparison of the bands at the end of the piece. Strangely enough, no one but Stringer actually believes that Coldplay stole their #1 single from some HD in NY. Hoepfner put together a little Youtube ditty to let you be the judge. Enjoy.

Not Quite the Adidas Slogan

2008-06-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last night the NBA Finals ended in less that dramatic fashion with Boston chowdering a 40pt blowout of Kobe and his two first team all "Cic-ers"

After the game, always persistent Michelle Tafoya clamps onto KG and asks him, "NBA Champion. How does that sound?"

Kevin Garnett replies, "Man I'm so hyped right now. Anything is Possible. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE."

Then he proceeds to thank a handful of nicknames, letters and acronyms that nobody in the viewing audience understands. But, that's not the point here.

The point is that KG is an adidas shoe and clothing monger and that their tag line is "Impossible is Nothing."

So, was KG stoked on the happenings and ready to down some Remy in Boylston? Or is he just a buffoon and completely butchered the adidas slogan that has been shoved down our throats that last year and a half.

Either way, Adi Dassler is turning in his grave today with the organic branding opportunity that could have been.

Quote of the Day

2008-06-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dick Durbin, the other Senator from Illinois and the majority Whip, on rising oil prices...

"In two days, the price of oil rose $16," said Sen. Richard Durbin, D-Ill., at a joint hearing of two Senate panels on oil speculation Tuesday. "Did I miss something, was there some war in the Middle East?"

"No, something is going on besides supply and demand, and it could be excessive speculation," he added.

Did he just ask if there was a war in the Middle East then answer "No" to his own question? Good one Dick, and great picture with the corpse formerly known as Joan Rivers.

Another Entry in the "No Shit" File

2008-06-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

Another entry into the "No Shit, Sherlock" news category. Turns out, some of the food you can buy at movie theatre concessions stands is bad for you...

According to the article, Six Worst Things to Eat at the Movies (and this may shock you) the large tub of heavily buttered popcorn you just crushed before the movie was 10 minutes old? Yup, just as you suspected.... BAD FOR YOU, to the tune of 1,283 calories 78 grams of fat, 49 grams of saturated fat (2.5 days worth)!

A full box of "bite sized Snickers?" ALSO bad for you!!! It only gets worse, nachos with fake cheese, whoppers, super-tankers of pop. None of it good for you.

The best part? The URL: "health.yahoo.com/experts" - really? It took an expert to tell us this information? A health expert? God save us all. It only gets worse when the user generated content section tells us that "78% of users found this article helpful!" Holy hell. We are doomed.

If I may challenge the health experts at Yahoo.com - I could rewrite this article a bit more briefly:

100% of snacks at movie theater are unhealthy, possibly deadly, served in portions that could kill someone from Mississippi.

Pet Names

2008-06-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's hard to name a pet. I can't necessarily tell you why, but anecdotal evidence abounds. My own family has failed to rise to the challenge - Grey Cat, Tootsie - more than once! So I reside in the glass house and would never, etc., etc.

There are other potential pitfalls, not the least of which is that people seem to forget that they will, at some point, have to yell their pets name in public. Do you really want to stand on the front porch (dog park, playground, local hip shopping area where you're trying to meet chicks) and yell "BUBBLES, COME! COME HERE BUBBLES!!!"

I would also argue that your pet will act in accordance with its name. For example, the Rat Terrier at the park the other day running, jumping, freaking out and generally ignoring everything it's owner said... "BUGGY, SIT! BUGGY, you come here right now. Buggy, why won't you hold still? Buggy, why are you freaking out?" When you named your high-strung dog Buggy, what did you expect?

Then there is the name overuse. Every black lab in the Pacific Northwest is named Porter. Every filthy hippy has a dog named Mary Jane (so clever!). And for some reason, it is way hip, as a 20-something woman, to name your dog Lola. I know 3 people who have recently done it. No joke. Just think of the mass hysteria when the couple, on a dog walking date call "Lolaaaaa, Porrrterrrr, comehereandgetatreat???!!!!???" Muddy pants, paws in faces will certainly abound.

So, good luck with that, but final word of warning. Don't get too fancy with the name. You may end up explaining to children at the dog park that "It's the name of a city in Italy. What's Italy? Never mind, just call her D Dog."

*Disclaimer - I love animals and all of my friends pets and I am NOT making fun or anyone or their precious pooches.

Summer Drinking Pitfalls

2008-06-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

Turns out, this summer, fit is the new fat. Everyone is getting in shape. Running, lifting, riding, jumping, playing, swimming - you name it, people are feeling motivated and ready to get that gut into shape for the summer. One of the biggest motivations? The plan for most summertime activities involves limited clothing and maximum consumption.

But, there are potential pitfalls, according to this hard hitting piece in Newsweek: The Summer's Six Most Fattening Cocktails. This is laugh out loud funny, some high points appear below:

- Drinking ONE mudslide is approximately equivalent to a Carl's Junior Loaded Breakfast Burrito at 820 Calories and 27.2 grams of fat.

- A margarita can get you with an astounding 850 calories. That's ONE serving. Ignore the fact that I washed down my recent Enchiladas and 4 baskets of chips dinner with the "48

ouncer" at LaCostita. I THINK we've found the problem...

So, what's a summer drinker to do? Well, Miller has their suggestion: the new MGD Light 64 calorie beer. That's right - about 1/2 your typical Booo Laiiii so now you can drink twice as much with half the guilt. Or something like that.

Oh, the other pitfalls?

Public Urination, assing out at weddings, assing out at company functions, knocking over dart machines, sleeping on railroad tracks, drunk dialing people who are now married, etc. etc.

Good luck this summer.

2 For One Entertainment

2008-06-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

Although summer's just getting started, I am ALWAYS looking ahead to winter and the coming ski season. I guess the fact that we're experience a "Juneuary" in the PNW makes it a little easier to ignoring the pending joy of summer and think about skiing again...

But, June is when Rage Films releases their annual ski film teaser. A couple of minutes dedicated to sick, new school skiing, amazing cinematography and, as always, the hottest new track. So, if you've never seen a Rage Films (or are already a fan) check out the teaser for "Such is Life." As a special bonus, you will be introduced to MGMT with their cut "Time to Pretend." Now you're in the know.

Funny?

2008-06-06T10:49:00.001-07:00

I love internet language and I hate filling up my SUV. Happy Friday.

Weeds Season 3 - Watch It

2008-06-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Season 3 came on DVD. It is great for the following:

1. Mary Louise-Parker is hot and manages to drink something out of a straw every episode (HELLO internet fanboy - sorry, it just kind of came out).

2. Kevin Nealon is absolutely brilliant.

3. Short but sweet. No fanatical devotion required.

Reflections on Kanye

2008-06-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

Although it would be a bit Kanye-esque to say this entry is a result of popular demand - a couple people inquired as to the quintessential health of the QLE so I thought I would check in with some thoughts on my experience at the Glow In The Dark Tour last night.

There were a variety of reactions when I told people I was going to the show. Most laughed, a few were jealous, and a surprising number of people said: Kayne, oh, I can't stand him, he is soooo arrogant (conceited, egotistical, cocky, etc.)! This struck me as slightly ridiculous for two reasons:
1. Yeah he is, he's one of the most famous pop stars of his era. And admit it, you love or have loved his music. It has played at your favorite parties, been on your workout mix or has bumped in your car.
2. Who gives a shit? I am not going to a massive arena pop show to see someone up there be self deprecating and humble. I want the guy to go nuts and put on a visual-musical spectacle worthy of my time and money, and I would contend a large ego is necessary for that!

This show was huge - almost 5 hours of music from some of the best pop acts out there - N.E.R.D., Lupe, Rhianna and, of course, Kanye. This is the first arena pop show I have been to since TLC, Mary J Blige and Bobby Brown (Humpin' Around) in '92. Combine that with the fact that I was the oldest person in Sec. 114 without a kid in tow, and I was a little self conscious in the beginning.

Is it really cool to go nuts, jump around and pound out some white guy fist pumps to radio-ready pop music? You bet your sweet ass, and I had a great time doing it, grooving to Lupe, bouncing with N.E.R.D., singing um breELLA, ELLA, ELLA, EA, EA and throwing my diamonds in the sky, because it's obvious I felt the vibe.

After an almost 90 minute set in which I imagine he played 20 songs, the show appeared to be over - the house lights even started to come up - but Kanye had other plans. He took the moment to go on a pretty impressive rant - against critics, against media (kind of) and in favor of art, musical expression and having a well developed love for ones self and what they do. The guy likes himself, he knows we like him, and he likes it. Granted, interspersed among the rant were hints at schizophrenia, some name calling and some non-linear logic, but overall it was pretty solid and entertaining.

Ultimately, Kanye asks, what's so wrong with having high self esteem, to liking ones self and what they do? It reminds me of Kobe Bryant. People love to hate Kobe, they call him arrogant, conceited, etc. But think about it this way - it feels good to be good at something. It feels even better to be better than others at something. Imagine if you were better than all 6 Billion people on Earth... I give the guy a pass on feeling good about that.

So, was the show life changing and analogous to a James Joyce novel as Luciana Lopez suggested in her pre-show drubbing of Kanye? Nah, but as my Uncle would say, it was significantly better than a sharp stick in the eye. Equal parts Vegas style stage show (yes, Kanye did some acting), Disney ride and mega-pop tour, it was an amazing time had by all, great music and a welcome change from the hipster asshole crowd who take themselves and music oh so seriously.

An interesting post script - Luciana (the pop critic for the Oregonian) apparently has a bit of a hubris problem as well. Check out her review in today's paper where she writes (and seems to believe) that Kanye's rant about media and all the haters in the world was directed solely toward her. It's clear she has the John Canzano syndrome, but we can get into that later...

Road Trip

2008-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

It would be irresponsible not to mention the extended QLE vacation, so first, my apologies Deeks, I know you've missed us.

But, you have to figure it was only a matter of time before we wrote something about gas prices. I mean yes, I understand that on a global scale, we are still getting some relatively cheap fuel - but that doesn't make it any easier to come to grips with it! I remember driving 20 minutes each way simply to find gas for under $1.00 - and this wasn't THAT long ago!

I digress, the point here is not to get political or tell more sob stories about high gas prices, but rather to mourn the eventual passing of an American rite of passage: the pointless road trip. Driving hundreds or thousands or miles in vehicles with less than stellar fuel economy - mostly with the point of just doing it!

One college spring break we drove about 3,000 miles on a bumbling odyssey that saw us having freak outs in Reno, almost freezing to death on the Wyoming plains, getting hopelessly lost in Arches and breaking down twice. It was the best...

So what brings all this up? Check out these yahoos from Utah who decided to set the unofficial world record on the fastest to drive to all lower 48 states. Despite being a little goofy (see: use of a Scion, quoting "On The Road" - a bit obvious don't you think - and the pure insanity of spending 106 hours in a car) you've got to respect the idea and just getting out there. Life's a journey, right?

UPDATE: Gotten some good road trip stories. Add yours in the comments section! Here's one from Deeks.

One random Wednesday night around 9-10 pm, my roommates in college were being lame and said they were not going to go out during the upcoming w/e. I asked what it would take to get them to change their minds ... they said drive to Vegas and bring us back a few of the famous 99-cent foot long hot dogs from the "slots-of-fun" casino. So ... I did. 7 hours later I was back in LA with hot dogs for each of them. Best road trip of my life. Oh by the way ... they still wouldn't go out that week-end ... NERDS!!!

A Great Day in American History

2008-04-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the modification of the Volstead Act. Prohibition officially ended on December 5th, 1933 with the ratification of the 21st amendment. However, 75 years ago today on April 7th, 1933, President FDR ended a national ban on alcohol - one of his great campaign promises.

Congress modified the Volstead Act, allowing sale of 3.2% alcoholic beer, prior to the 21st amendment. Newly legalized beer was sent to the White House and a toast was done to acknowledge the beginning of the end of prohibition.

In honor of FDR and this monumental day in the history of this country, take time this evening to raise a cold one during dinner and toast "cheers to beer."

Instead, Save the Time, Money, Paper and Effort.

2008-04-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

Get a load of this card from randoms Jeff and Kara. Congratulations! You are the first image that pops up when "Save The Date" is typed and searched into Google Images. With all due respect to love, devotion and commitment, can't we all agree on a little laugh at the expense of Siegfried's little brother and the card he OK'd to send out to friends and family? There, didn't that feel good.

With all the recent and impending engagements and weddings, I wanted to get a quick rant off my chest. In regard to the Save The Date (STD) card, please consider conserving energy and forgoing the unnecessary hassle.

Isn't this the email age when someone can send out an email with all the pertinent information. Don't we all get Evites? Americangreetings.com, Ourweddingday.com and, yes, Evite.com all offer STD e-cards. All you just need to be able to deal with is the Burt Baccarat playing over the websites.

How about a phone call spreading the good news to the over 40-Year-Old crowd and an SMS to your buddies.

What really bugs me about these STD is that I already have these dates on my calendar. If I'm going to the wedding, I more than likely know the persons involved and have talked to one, if not both of the parties about their engagement. Upon so doing, the date of the ceremony comes up in conversation and is promptly placed in my Outlook.

Specifically, if I am IN your wedding, I have obviously already S'd The D and do not need a reminder. I may have broken my wrist in my mid 20's riding a Tonka Toy build for a 4-Year-Old down the steepest street in Northern California, but I'm not an idiot. I can remember dates.

The most concerning issue of the STD is that it basically says "Hey! Get ready because we're going to send you another card that tells you the same info, about the same event that you are already planning on attending. " That is just 100% asinine.

Can't we at least just merge the two cards in harmony, like the synergy between the affianced? In so doing, we can really save a little bit of what dignity and fortitude we have left.

Save The Time: Has anyone seen how elaborate these things are? My roommate just got one that was encased within two envelopes, each sealed shut, with their own respective bows. Two hundred STD were sent out for this wedding. That must be at least 5 hours of your life just to get those things mail ready. Oh, the card was from his brother. My roommate's the best man, booked his ticket months ago and has the time off work. I don't think he really needed that card.

Save The Money: At roughly $2.00-$3.00 on average per card, isn't their something you'd rather use your, or your parents, hard-earned money on?

Save the Effort: With all the options out there, I know that it is at least one full day and probably 4 significant arguments over ribbon or font size that can and should be avoided.

Save The Paper: Seriously, these things are not made on environmentally friendly 100% post-consumer recycled virgin wood fiber. Save a tree, not the date. And if you must mail me an STD, drop me a note in the form of a postcard.

Flying Sucks

2008-04-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

OK, maybe that is a bit cranks of me, but I did just sit on the tarmac at JFK for an extra 1.5 hours after they delayed us an hour - all this before a 5.5 hour flight across the country.

Then, inevitably you get on and have a seat mate that is making a slow but insistent hostile takeover of your legroom, and staked his claim on the armrest before you even sat down.

Now for some people, the sound of a jet engine is soporific - they fire it up, you pass out. Some people (the guy sitting next to me last night) have either a fascinating inner monologue or an amazing capacity to stave off boredom (he watched TBS for a solid 7 hours on the seat back TV - with no sound.

Me? I have to come up with other ways to cope with the experience flying has become and I thought I would share a couple tips.

Make sure you have the right seat: Although you can't predict the BMI of the person sitting next to you, you can at least give yourself a fair shot at comfort. The site Seat Guru has it all - down to what kind of foot room, what kind of entertainment, etc. I check it every time I pick a seat. Also - check the airlines website about 72 hours and 24 hours before your flight. Some airlines release "premium" seats including exit rows, bulkheads and the front of the plane.

Noise canceling headphones. They can be spendy - between $100 and $350 - but they are worth it. You will feel less tired, less deaf and more relaxed when you block out a lot of the noise and create your own space to either listen to your iPod or watch a movie without having to crank it up to hear anything. They are also larger and more imposing than the traditional iBuds so you will have a better chance of looking like you can not talk to your neighbor. Honestly, I don't care what you sell, and yes, I am aware of the big dumb loudmouth behind us, but would rather block her out with my headphones than discussing her with you.

Fly direct and don't fly red eye. This may seem like a no brainer, but my dumbass just flew a red eye this week. You may save $50 or $100, but you will also feel like hell, be less comfortable during the traveling part and feel worse once you get there. What's the point of getting there 6 hours earlier on the red eye if all you want to do is sleep for a solid 6 hours once you get there?

First single off new Flight of the Conchords album

2008-04-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

If you are unlike me, and find the Flight of the Conchords music funny and ironic, here is the first single off of their new, self-titled album - 'Ladies of the World'.

Enjoy.

JUSTICE - SF Concourse

2008-03-30T14:44:00.001-07:00

Let me begin by saying that I have been advocating for Justice the last 12-14 months. I am on board w/ their sound and I like their studio album. I am also OK with the "rejected" Fabric mix from January '08 that was borderline over-indulgent on disco-glam.

I have seen Justice perform on three occasions. 1. Coachella '07. 2. Mezzanine in SF last October. 3. Last Thursday at the Concourse in SF. Deterioration is evident.

The Coachella show was great and the Mezzanine was one of, if not the most fun, engaging and sound-bastic shows I have ever seen. Ninety minutes of straight mixing and good, continuous music. It was a fluid, true DJ set.

Expectations and anticipation were high for the event last Thursday. Some notes from the show:

1. They have seemingly completely abandoned the typical DJ set in favor of a more rock and roll based set. They played songs, kind of, that lasted 4-5 minutes. 3 minutes would be a build up, of sorts, to the crescendo, which was almost always underwhelming. It probably would've been better had they just played their album straight through. And that's not a good thing to report.

2. The first serious bass-drop was 45 minutes into the show. Not OK.

3. Stopping the music every 5 minutes, raising your arms in victory and urging the crowd to applaud your splendor does not make for a good dance program. That is what happens at rock concert.

4. Speaking of rock concert, the encore was basically an undancable speed metal Rob Zombie guitar riff showcased by bass hits and 8-bit video game noises. It was tailor made for the Guitar Hero III fans in the crowd and it was not the way to end a set. But, it was totally unique and I've got to give them credit for this as it was unlike anything I'd ever seen. Even though I didn't care for it.

5. I felt like the oldest kid in the house. I've never been to an event where they were more 18-21 year old strung-out, neon-clad, spandex wearing, mustache donning H-Ds in my life. Justice is now evidently "cool," which makes me consider this possibly being my last show of theirs, if only for the fact that the concert etiquette from this younger American Apparel supporting crowd was absolutely horrible, if not borderline rude.

6. The venue was raining sweat. Literally. Condensation built up from the audience to the ceiling and then dripped profusely like the jungles of Amazon.

7. If you watch the video you can see all the things that were annoying about the show: lack of drops, the sign-a-longs, stopping songs for applause and mindless buildup culminating with less then stellar and way too short reward. Everyone wants the reward and it was just something Justice used to do, but have abandoned in their recent show.

However, you can also see that the crowd was going ape-shit. Which makes me wonder if my expectations are you high? Am I totally jaded? Maybe, I Am just a snob? Should I stop over-analyzing things? Or, maybe I didn't have enough to drink....

With all that said, there were some interesting and redeeming qualities about the event. However, I think my days of paying to see Justice are now over, even though their draw and legacy are seemingly only just taking off.

JUSTICE

2008-03-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

The killer concert is in the eye and ear of the beholder, so we thought it would be fun to write two reviews of the JUSTICE Myspace tour - both the SF and the PDX shows.

JUSTICE's stop in Portland is the Roseland Theater. Located downtown with capacity of 1,400 - Roseland gets the slightly more recognized acts - usually on their second pass through town. So, you get people who know the hit song or are going on recommendation of a friend - and this group always creates an interesting dynamic with the "original" and hardcore fans.

For JUSTICE, the die hards are, of course, mega-hipster-doofuses. Mostly 20 and younger, these fanboys and girls were endowed with the power of the spirit - much like the middle American mega church revival crowd the glowing cross called to mind.

The other crowd could best be described as meat heads. I swear I watched an entire baseball team walk in. Everyone wearing (nonironic) tees, baggy(!) jeans and wearing hats that weren't even meant to make a point beyond their allegiance to a sports team. Weird. I owe their presence mostly to the Mos Def and Spank Rock remix of DANCE floating around on the web.

I understand the necessity of all ages clubs. I know up and coming H-D's want to see the shows, but it really does completely ruin the experience to have id checking, security lines and strict segregation. At the Roseland for example, the 21+ crowd is packed on to the balcony - forced to choose between a powerful thirst and the full music experience.

Despite all that the crowd was hyped, ready to move and about to bring the place down by the time the Augé and de Rosnay walked on stage. When the drop hit, well over 1,000 people jumped into a fist pumping frenzy. Illuminated by a glowing cross, insane crossed up strobes, LED amps and glowing speakers - in a word; shit got crazy.

There were some phenomenal moments in the show and some masterfully timed sound, light and effect touches. The boys know what they are doing, although often find themselves more interested in proving their intricate technical prowess than necessarily delivering what the people want.

Many of their set ups were strong: building beats, smashing rhythms and a delicious tease of samples from their biggest hits. But, frequently, as a result of ADD or a powerful desire to show off their cuts, the payoff didn't come.

A note to artists: no matter how much we like your music, we do not want an acoustic version with us singing your biggest hit, it's just not as cool as you think it is. We paid to see YOU.

Even when they decided to let the crowd revel in that dirty pleasure of just rocking out to a hit single (you know you like it) they still seemed to admonish that desire, such as significantly lengthening the builds and shortening the hooks on DVNO. JUSTICE is, if nothing else, a couple of kids with some great chops but an even greater ear: intensely pleasurable melodies and catchy hooks are your game, so let them play!

The overall flow was good, although they couldn't help indulging themselves in repeated samples of the same disco era cuts - one of which I counted four times through the evening. Despite distractions, the show, the beats and the lights (irrational fears of epileptic fits haunted me throughout the evening) built to quite a crescendo as the encores approached. I will leave a full description of them to those who still have the show to attend, but plan to rock the hell out.

JUSTICE put on a great show, played the audience and its energy well and even indulged in theatrics such as hand-holding and bowing, crowd surfing, smoking at the boards and numerous encores. Despite that, I never felt any real connection to the people on stage. Part of seeing a live performance is an insight into the bands you love - getting to know them on a different level, and to a large degree, feeding off their energy and their performance. Hidden behind insane light displays and mostly head down hard at work on the task at hand - the energy of the "band" just wasn't there to carry the music.

Overall I would say the show is good with some elements of greatness. The Myspace aspect was weird but not terribly distracting. The power of the spectacle and the energy of the crowd carried the night. As an "adult" who occasionally allows themselves to get down, head out on a school night and get down and just plain groove to some wild electronic DJs, I hope next time the group is willing to indulge me, give in to my hedonism and let its fans revel in all the best of their music (even if it is a top 40 hit)...

Life's Unwritten Rules v. 1.0

2008-03-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Rule #1: For a successful relationship you must... Be on the same cell phone carrier.

OK, I guess this will officially make them written rules, but that is neither here nor there. And really, it's probable no one has written these down for good reason (they are inane) but what the hell?

First on the list, one that is near and dear to my heart: cell phone politics. I am happy to say that the majority of my friends and family are "IN" on Verizon's Network. I do not have any particular love for Verizon, but somehow the people who populate my life have all gravitated to the big red V. That alone is a great reason to stay - unlimited communications with those who matter.

Inevitably, things will draw you away from your cell phone network. The biggest reason: new parties to your love life. I'll admit it, I have gone to Verizon's website to check if someone was "IN" as part of the "suitability for dating" checklist. After all, a successful relationship is built on communication, and if you can not communicate in an unlimited manner, surely problems will arise, will they not?

But what of those you leave behind? Family, friends, late night dirty texting buddies, all, no longer a part of your unlimited calling, texting and picture plan. You argue "Hey, my iPhone plan is unlimited, I'll still be in touch." But the magic is gone, that connection is broken. It just isn't the same.

Of course, there are other reasons to leave your network. New job pays for your phone, time for a change and, the big one, the iPhone... I mean who doesn't feel like they NEED to be able to go to ESPN.com while sitting at the Blazers game (I saw it), upload mobile Facebook pictures or have instant access to their Gmail at all times and places.

In the end, though, beware the statement you make by paying that broken contract fee and sacrificing your long term commitment to your network. Who knows if things work out with this hot new item or new career path, you may find yourself on a network all your own...

Dancing Animals vs. Dancing People Dressed as Animals

2008-03-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

Which do you prefer. The dancing seal or the dancing mascots?

Ok, so that was pretty impressive, but what about this footage below. Given the choice, I think I'd be the shark. I like his style.

BYOBW 2008 - Adults Riding Kids Toys = Awesome

2008-03-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

It has been said that, among other things, San Francisco is know for its unique and extravagant events, happenings and gatherings.

Its OK to tie yourself and four of your friends to a shopping cart carrying a keg and run (fall) down the streets of North Beach in the Urban Iditarod. In San Francisco it is also cool, if it is your thing, to suck the cock of your buddy who is wearing nothing but a garter belt and ass-less chaps at high noon during the Dorey "Up Your Alley" Street Fair.

If it strikes your fancy, its more than encouraged to go on a 16 hour E tab induced dance-a-thon trance session down Market street and in front of City Hall during the Love Parade in October.

If you are the type of person that likes beer at 6:00AM on a Sunday Morning, the city shuts down the better half SF proper for you to "run" through downtown with 100,000+ of your friends in costume during Bay to Breakers.

The list goes on and on, but the best and more pure showcase of fun and community may just be at the annual Bring Your Own Big Wheel (BYOBW) race.

The premise is really quite simple. You show up with an old Big Wheel, the classic red one with yellow tire works, or really any variation thereof is acceptable. As everything in town, you dress up in some sort of Bizzaro (read: throw some shit together at the last minute) attire or garb. You bring some friends and a beer or two and get in line at the top of a ridiculously steep, windy and treacherous hill. Then you push off and careen toward the finish amid the cheers of the estimated 8,000 spectators and the ohs and ahs when that second turn sends you flailing into the guy that getting too close to the action.

The race this year was moved from Lombard Street (you know, the picturesque, manicured shrub lined tourist trap) to the more precarious and even more curvy Vermont street hill in the Portrero (middle of nowhere) district. New location, but more people. The best part about this event, besides reliving my glory days on Bennington Drive when I'd race Eli Zackheim to defeat on a daily basis, was the fact that is truly was a family and community orientated event.

People were behaved and in control. Everyone was smiling and in jovial disposition. Families brought their kids and parents raced along side their sons and daughters next to that hipster doofus from the Mission and that ad exec from the Marina.

All in all a spectacle to behold and embrace. And a second place finish in heat #2 by your's truly. Check out the video montage that some guy w/ too much time on his hands put together.

Dexia Tower - The Quintessential Building

2008-03-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

Walking around the corner from the Parisian inspired and cobblestone lined, martyred infested part of Brussels, we were bombarded with the visual of a dancing building.

Never I my life have I ever seen something like this, let along comprehended that anything of this sort could or did ever exist. It was as if the Daft Punk Pyramid techs took things to the next level and made their next project a few scales larger.

The 145m high Dexia Tower is comprised of 4200 windows that are each fitted with individually controlled LED bars. Basically, this turns the whole facade of the building into one large video screen. There is no was they retrofitted this, is there?!!?!

The 150, 000 multi-colored LED lights equal one rock star light show. Push play to some Datarock on your iPod, grab an cold Kwak beer, bundle up and your ready for a good 30 mins of entertainment. We were transfixed, this was without a doubt, almost unequivocally, one of the best and most unexpected parts of the trip.

Every LED fixture is controlled independently and every floor can control can be manipulated individually. Coming home from work you can view stock quotes and catch the current and next days weather.

As explained on the LAb[au]'s website: "the project displays tomorrow's temperature, cloudiness, precipitations, and wind, by using colors and geometrical patterns to visualize these data. A color-code corresponds to tomorrow temperature compared to the monthly average, liked to a scale of color-temperatures ranging from violet (-6 celcius or colder) all the way up to red (+6 celcius or warmer)."

Besides being possibly the most awesome building I've ever seen, it also goes down as being the geekiest.

This wonder of a building begs a few questions?

1. Can you get any work done from the inside with Daft Punk lights blasting all around your office

2. Do the other surrounding buildings have a major inferiority complex?

3. What kind of astronomical electric bill do these people have?

4. How and when can we can of of these buildings over here in the States?

Check out the video and notice the awesome commentary, "das das bla bla das is so cool, das ist weeeeee!" No, thats not us mocking German tourists, we pulled this off the Internet as Luke accidently blanked his memory chip on the third day of the trip.

Hot Chip - The Quintessential Experience Paradiso

2008-03-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

As you may be aware, elements of the QLE headed out on European vacation a couple weeks ago in there interest of serious blog-journalism: QL research and a further, deeper understanding of the cultures of the world. Along the way we stopped in Brussels, Bruges, Haarlem, The Hague and Amsterdam, soaking up the best that late-winter Europe has to offer.

Key on the agenda was the Hot Chip show at Paradiso, a onetime church converted to a great concert venue. Although covered in scaffolding (like much of Europe), Paradiso, now known as the Temple of Music, combines a great location (right off Leidseplein) with a novel layout that affords great proximity to the acts, and good views of the stage from various floor levels and balconies.

My goal was to put the many thoughts, impressions and descriptions down in writing as soon as I got home from the concert - however, I will spare many of those details as they are slightly incoherent upon further reflection... My "gonzo" blogging still needs some development.

The entire concert experience was amazing - the billing for the night consisted of three main acts with house DJs spinning in between.

Hot Chip is known for extremely high-energy shows that recreate songs entirely on the spot. Although I thoroughly enjoyed Made In the Dark, I would love to get my hands on a high quality recording of one of their shows. They are stoked and having a great time on stage, and it carries through into the music, the performance and the crowd. Combine that with insane decibels, and a wild lighting set, and you have a for sure winner.

Check their music out on Myspace and get yourself some ticket - their US tour hits the left coast right around April 21st.

The Greenest Person You Know

2008-03-19T08:20:00.000-07:00

Recently Popular Science rated my city of residence, San Francisco, the second most "green" city in the Nation.

Who is America's top green city? That's right: Portland, OR. The city where I grew up.

Portland, which won by one tenth of one point, claims that half their power comes from renewable sources. Also, a quarter of the workforce commutes via bike, carpool or public transportation (MAX?!?!?)

The report is broken down in four categories: transportation, electricity, green living, and recycling and green perspective.

Boston, third on the list, is also the city in which my company's headquarters is based and where I visit quarterly.

Fourth on the list, Oakland, a city that I frequent on a weekly basis for work and leisure. The funny thing about this is that Oakland is nationally known for one of the highest murder rates in the country, but now the residents can all take solace the fact that its all going down in an eco-friendly environment.

Rounding out the top five on this Popular Science list is Eugene, where I went to school for my undergraduate work. A city that is revered for its green is also now nationally reputed for being "green".

Having lived significant years in three of the top five green cities and spent notable time in the other two, I have a little bit of pride this morning knowing that maybe subconsciously, in a small way, I'm doing my part to help prolong the vitality of the world. Or, maybe its just me justifying my Xterra and it's 16.5 MPG.

Portishead - Third

2008-03-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I like it or not. Be your own judge. Download at Nocna Hudba. It's a weird download process - but click the 'Free' link, then wait for a minute and a half.

Enjoy.

R.I.P., W.F.B.

2008-03-08T11:36:00.001-08:00

Yes, this post is a week late (I was moving across the country, cut me some slack), and yes, this isn't exactly a typical QLE subject, but perhaps let us take just a moment to recognize the passing of William F. Buckley, the father of the modern conservative movement in American politics. "What the fuck is this?" you may be thinking. Believe me, I am as liberal as they come, and I'm assuming most of you out there are as well; but a cursory look into W.F.B.'s leisure activities reveals him to be perhaps the father of everything the QLE stands for as well. A legendary man's man, who spent every moment of his free time chasing the best in life, from sports to literature to music to copious amounts of booze. A former CIA agent who possessed a talent for being able to hammer back G&Ts, debate foreign policy at the UN, and think of the story arc for his next novel all at the same time. And his "By the way, I have a yacht" mid-Atlantic prep school accent only makes him even more fabulous of a human.

The following is an incredible debate conducted at the height of the Vietnam war between Buckley and one of the biggest all-time leftys, Noam Chomsky. Both men's command of the English language and mastery of the art of debate here is stunning. For the essence of the man, listen near the end of the first minute, the manner Buckley says "42,43,44" and later, at 2:30, the way he says "pursue" and winks at Chomsky. Never has the comment, "Fuck you, I'm smarter and cooler than you" been so gracefully and silently delivered.

We lost a true American last week, and Beefeater lost one of its biggest customers.

Tapes 'n Tapes - Walk it Off: LEAKED

2008-03-07T11:07:00.001-08:00

While the rest of the dudes are in Amsterdam (see: drugs, fun, beer), I will do my best to hold it down with some free music fo' yo' ass. Today? TNT.

A little Bloc Party, a little Kings of Leon, a little Modest Mouse, a little everything else that you've ever heard. Whatever it is, get it while it's available. The new Tapes 'n Tapes album (Sophomore release) was recently streamed and ripped (Available to purchase April 8th). Some say it's not as good as their first release (but when is it?) Get it here while you can. It's good, I like it.

Enjoy.

Robert Plant is Ruining Everything

2008-03-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

When Led Zeppelin held a one-off concert at London's O2 Arena earlier this year, the music industry was buzzing about what would be the biggest tour of all time.

A Zeppelin reunion would be the one tour everyone would attend, no matter what the price. I know I tell people, "must see show of the year" at least 10 times annually, but this would've been the one.

Rumors were swirling that Summer '08 could finally be our chance to see the greatest rock and roll band ever reunite for Stadiums worldwide.

But today, the hype machine has encountered an irreversible glitch and the dreams and hopes of music fans everywhere were dashed when England's Daily Mirror reported that Robert Plant turned down a guaranteed 100 MILLION POUNDS (roughly $200 Million Dollars) for a summer tour. Surviving members Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones were on board and the tour was set to roll.

But, Plant refused and elected to focus his current efforts on ballads and duets with U.S. country singer Allison Krauss. (Their current album Raising Sand went to #2 in the Britain and U.S. charts)

So instead of getting Whole Lotta Love, we get this......

Do you Hulu?

2008-03-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

The purveyor of all things relevant and cool, GQ pointed this one out a couple months ago: www.hulu.com. This site is fantastic - they are currently in a private beta, only in the US and you have to be "invited" to sign up, like Gmail in the "early days."

Put in your email, and they will let you know when you can get in (took about 1 week for me). You will have access to an impressive amount of online content including TV shows (NBC after they drop-kicked iTunes), movies, clips, etc. And, it's all free with a limited number of 30 second ads from a variety of sponsors.

Personally, I am afraid of DVR (being trapped in my basement, a slave to my own obsessive media consumption), and I refuse to be someone who plans their lives around TV shows, so a chance to get the media I want when and where I want it is pretty exciting. Plus, never being limited to Marriott's hotel cable again? Priceless.

Hottest Party of the Year

2008-02-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to host an Oven Party since midway through college. Last weekend my dream finally became my reality.

We canvased our North Beach apartment entirely in aluminum foil. Walls ,ceiling, floors, and everything in between. We replaced everyday light bulbs with calescent red ones. We added a vaporous fog machine (which periodically triggered the smoke alarm and the line "the oven is overheating"). People freak out, then get the joke 5 minutes later. Throw in a strobe light for good measure and we're good to go - in a virtual Oven.

Wasteful: unfortunately quite. 100% Awesome: absolutely.

4,500 sq. ft ($200+ of foil), 500m of tape, 8 packs of putty, one keg, 300 bottles of beer and 8 people laboriously setting up for 8 hours and we're good to go.

This is the point in the post where I write about what people had to say about the event. Suffice to say, "Best House Party Ever," "Epic" and "You guys are out of your fucking minds," pretty much covers it.

Unfortunately, now the house party high bar is set at Olympic height and we're racking our brains for a way to equal or best the cooker carousing.

Theme recommendations are welcome and will be taken into consideration for our next hullabaloo in May.

What Would This Flavor Be Called?

2008-02-28T16:45:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month Reebok released Kool-Aid scented shoes. That's right, sneakers that smell like Blue Berry Yum Yum, Rock-a-Dile Red and Solar Strawberry Star Fruit.

When this link was sent to me, I didn't really know what to think? Is this bizarre, outlandish, irrelevant, or sheer cross-promoting genius? We really won't know until I speak with our resident shoe expert Aron Glatzer on the particulars of this release.

What we will know is that after a day of walking Upper Haight and scavergering through throwback haberdashery at Wasteland, the mustachioed quasi-hipster wearing these shoes will have their sweaty feet accented with a hint of melon or berries.

As a beverage, Kool-Aid was awesome when we were five years old and got revved up on sugar instead of Reb Bull Blasters and adderal. It was also great in middle school when we sucked down packets of sugar on the bus ride home. But, imbibing or even purchasing Kool-Aid at this age is an absolute crime. Not even for novelty reasons, because thats just to obvious.

You've heard the bit from ubiquitous Dane Cook where be goes on and on and on about the Kool-Aid punch bowl smashing through walls with kids drinking fruity blood from its straws. Its some of Cook's funniest material within a catalogue of overt arrogance, crass opinions and loose generalizations. Regardless, HERE is an animated video of "Not So Kool-Aid" that was made to go along w/ the routine. Really quite funny.

Sunday Afternoon Music

2008-02-27T12:06:00.001-08:00

Thought many of you would enjoy this acoustic set, by Shins front-man James Mercer, performed at the Moonshine Festival in '04. He performs mostly Shins cuts, but does a few covers, including Neil Young's Harvest.

Enjoy.

A blog about blogs - Updated

2008-02-27T03:15:00.000-08:00

Updated: OK, so it seems that it would be a disservice for us to not pass on Stuff White People Like. This is just about the funniest thing out there right now and is almost literally an overnight sensation. Little introduction is needed, but dive in and enjoy. Also if you want more information, check out the NPR and LA Times stories on the blog.

Also - this is great stuff. Turns out Barack Obama is a Blazers fan.

To kick of the second installment of the blog about blogs, I have to go to the well and shout out for the blog of another Zers big man (and former Pac 10 power) Channing Frye. Some classic stuff in here include betting on the Super Bowl and losing, then losing a double whammy on who would cut their hair first, him or Oden. He now has short hair again, and has to walk Oden's dog, Charles Barkely McLovin "his little rat dog."

The Kitsune Noir, tagged as Eat. Drink. Design., claims to be a blog about design. Sure enough, there is some great design, but it also encompasses movies, music, art, apparel, etc. Check it out regularly and know about the cool shit first. Oh, and in case you're wondering, according to Wikipedia, Kitsune is the Japanese word for fox, so take that for what it's worth. Great blog, though, enjoy.

Rounding out the week is the Indexed Blog. A fun little time waster with a great explanation, in the usual blog language (slightly melodramatic and self-conscious, but funny nonetheless): "This site is a little side project that lets me make fun of some things and sense of others." If you're not sure what to make of it, think back to the regression graphs of the rap life.

On a side note, I got the Indexed Blog from LA's del.icio.us. If you aren't on board with this yet, get on it. Think of it as a book marks bar saved on the internet that you can share with others. In case the QLE doesn't waste enough of your time, this is a quick way to flush some more minutes down the drain. I have just gotten started, but you can check it out at http://del.icio.us/bmoneyqle.

Made in the Dark Review

2008-02-27T02:53:00.000-08:00

Hot Chip's latest, Made in the Dark, plays like a great date: fun, upbeat, high energy, beautiful at times - and what begins at at the club eventually makes its way to the bedroom.

A follow up to the whimsical yet slightly disquieting The Warning, Hot Chip dials up the experience with a heavier synthesized sound and up tempo beats. The same catchy, enjoyable and poppy nature is amplified, creating an album that frequently encourages reckless decibel levels and constant movement while listening.

They showcase digital abilities and creativity, seamlessly blending varied rhythms, heavy beats and whimsical noise to create tracks that are not only fun to listen to, but could easily find their way onto a very respectable dance mix.

Made in the Dark encourages straight through listening, and the progression shows that this is not solely a synthesized, electronic effort; there is a definite human element that will please even the die hard indie rock fan. The resonance and a genuineness of Taylor and Goddard's delivery brings an emotional, human quality to the project.

Tempo shifts and divergent sounds play as complementary and come together effortlessly for Hot Chip. On "Touch Too Much" the combination of up tempo, syncopated rhythms and electronic noise suddenly resolves into a mellow, singsong one-minute interlude with a very personal, intimate feeling. Just as suddenly, the beats are back and the introspective mood of moments ago is a distant memory.

Fun, versatile, upbeat, and diverse, Made In The Dark stands up well to repeated plays and will welcome new fans and reward Hot Chip loyalists alike with a great mix of sounds and experiences.

The White Room

2008-02-22T09:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel bad about playing this little game of lies and deception. But, ultimately, these oblivious people have it coming to them and need to be exploited.

For 6 years now, I have been dressing up as a character from the movie The White Room and going to parties. I'll grab a buddy, fill him in on the gag and we'll rehearse the premise for five minutes on the walk over. Frankly, sometimes its just too easy, but people out there are just so naive and if they don't know that they're being made fun of, does it really matter?

The setup: Wear some wacky shit, come up with a bogus name, and make up a generic sounding movie title. Go around telling people that you're acting like the characters from the classic 80's psychological thriller and mention how there were some also-run B-List actors playing key roles in the movie. Tell everyone this is your FAVORITE MOVIE. Make up four or five, what you deem to be memorable quotes, and proceed to run them into the ground all night long. At some point, some overly drunk girl will overhear you say, "Don't take the tube after dark," and she'll remark "what movie is that from?"

The answer is: The White Room

And it never fails, play this game for a few hours at a house party and there will be that person that will eventually say that they either remember that movie, or that they LOVE that movie.

Last weekdend, The White Room was in full effect.

The premise was that being stuck in The White Room was a euphemism for one's inability to break away from the social norm and forge a path through the jungle of life. The two key actors in the movie, Mr. Robert (Meeps) and Zach Blain aka "The Man" (Cross) were two college friends from Minnesota trying to grasp the reality of being outcasts from a small town trying to break into the new city.

"Get in there," exclaims The Man. "Get over here," replies Mr. Robert. "I love that scene," remarks an unnamed guy who just walked into the kitchen reaching ice to take the edge off his Red Bull blaster.

Another successful night out for my own personal box office.

In a funny side note, it has come to my attention that there is indeed a movie that goes by The White Room, and that, in fact, ends up being a psychological thriller. Imagine that. Here is the trailer.

Music Videos

2008-02-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

According to the Buggles, video killed the radio star, but I blame Jonathan Murray and Mary-Ellis Bunum for killing the video star. In less than one generation, we have seen the meteoric rise and fall of the music video. The ignominious end hastened by the likes of Puck, Pedro, and recently, a long line of undereducated, over served frat dicks, flaming homosexuals and girls with a severe shortage of self respect and strong moral foundation.

Most QLE readers remember (or almost remember) the beginning of the music video era:

And for the next twenty years or so, the music video became the ultimate marketing vehicle. Disturbing, funny, entertaining, or a downright work of art, the music video allowed for a whole new interpretation and experience of the music you loved.

As MTV digressed into programming so shitty you can't even watch it stoned, videos were pushed over to MTV2, and eventually to a small suite of channels that comes with the Digital Deluxe Silver Subscriber Package, hidden in the upper 400s. However, the video has persevered, with the best of the best becoming viral internet phenomenons.

I will include a couple more of my favorites below, but I would like to create a forum in the comments section of this post to try and create a list of the best music videos of all time. Find them on youtube, post them, and let's see what we can put together. Fight back, bring back the music video!

Here are links to more as I remember them:
Pretty sure I am STILL in love with both of these women from this video.

A scary one...

Videos that are short movies

I remember being SHOCKED by the lyrics of this one

So Sick

More Biggie

Something a little newer

Superman That Ho. Really?

2008-02-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

Cheryl Miller, do you have any idea what it means to Superman That Ho? As you stand there, congratulating Dwight Howard on his epic dunk (or just throwing the ball through the hoop) and he is going on about how much he loves that song, Superman That Ho, you continue to grin and nod like an idiot, conducting another one of your awkward, uncomfortable All Star sideline interviews. Seriously, you're terrible. And I don't think it's cute or endearing that you refer to Reggie Miller repeatedly as "little brother."

The Urban Dictionary offers a couple graphic definitions of what it meanst to Superman That Ho. Scientifically put, to "Superman" would be to ejactulate on a womans back during intercourse, then allow the fixative properties of dried semen to attach the bed linens to her back, making her appear to be wearing a cape, similar to the superhero Superman. Combine that with referring to the unwitting superhero as a "Ho" and you've got a real banger of a filthy sex joke, broadcast on TNT for families all over America to enjoy. Good job all involved.

There were some highlights to this year's All Star Saturday night:

Rudy Gay asked America to post their best dunks as inspiration for his appearance in the dunk contest. Needless to say there was some insane stuff. 720 in a game and 360 under the legs.

Charles Barkley, as usual put on a show. While introducing Karl Malone as a judge of the Slam Dunk contest, he said the Mailman was the 3rd best power forward of all time. When asked who numbers two and one were, he replied matter-of-factly, me and Tim Duncan.

And, just in case you forgot since last year, Jason Kapono is still a bitch.

This Beer Tastes Like Nu Shooz

2008-02-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

If you've ever had a new pair of sneakers, fresh out of the box, you know that smell. You love that smell. Its "new shoes" and I think its actually built into the cost of those $100 Nikes.

I love the smell of new shoes. If there were an air freshener shaped like an Air Jordan, it'd be a top seller. At one point in my youth I remember actually purchasing a spray at Foot Locker that smelled like new shoes. Supposedly, it was for use on shoes to keep them minty fresh. However, it ended up sprayed on the tree hanging from my rear-view mirror, my locker room, and even my torso. In ninth grade I remember coming out after a track meet and my buddy wondering/exclaiming, "something smells like new shoes." Someone smelled like new shoes.

Along with baking bread, that cooler at the grocery store that holds all the flowers and a fresh mowed lawn, for me, new shoes was one of life's great aromatic wonders. Until last night, when I tasted that smell for the first time.

I purchased a 6-pack of Peroni, on sale at $6.99 on the corner mart last night halfway through my buddies 27th birthday party and C-List Celebrity themed extravaganza. Beer bought, cap popped and upon the first swig, there was that smell, in the form of a flavor! I was drinking new shoes! Immediately, I passed around the green bottle and it was agreed: Peroni tastes like New Shoes. But, the stark realization soon crossed my mind. The smell I so longed after in my youth is, in reality, nothing more than a skunky, out of balance, thin and grainy beer. That new shoes smell is Peroni Nastro Azzurro. New Shoes, ruined forever.

Out of nowhere, I hear a friend from Portland exclaim, "I just loved that band Nu Shooz, much better than this beer." Nu Shooz, like Quarterflash were one hit mega wonders from Portland, OR in the 80's, known for their hit I Can't Wait. You may not remember the husband and wife dance music duo but you'll surely remember the song and probably their epic video. Whoever would have thought that the smell of those Air Max 95s, a revered Italian beer and an 80's classic from my hometown would forever inauspiciously be linked.

The Noise of Naptown

2008-02-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Being that my relocation to the east coast is imminent, and hopefully will provide the QLE with some sort of editorial and geographical counterweight, I think it's best here to present a very brief summary of what goes on, aurally speaking, in my beloved home for 27 years, Indianapolis.

Having been an active musician in the city for ten years or so, I must confess it's truly a sad scene (hence the move to Brooklyn). No big college in town, no real history of big names, no chance for a visit by any big A&R rep. However, something interesting and creative intermittently arises from the Midwestern mire, before either disbanding or relocating.

A modest analogy: If Indy's music scene is a Chili's Triple Dipper appetizer, then truly the Boneless Shanghai Wings are Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos, a chamber orchestra of enfant terribles perhaps most easily comparable to the Arcade Fire (for instrumentation purposes, if nothing else...). They are on a major label, which is unheard of 'round these parts, and have a new album coming out soon. This video of "Quiet as a Mouse" is worth a watch if you are a fan of moody music, paper animation, or cartography.

The Southwestern Eggrolls are State, a former hard rock power trio that is currently retooling and recording something big and new. "She Dreams of You" absolutely kills. And the Reservoir Dogs meets Grace Jones workout tape video is a lo-fi treat.

And because I truly believe that real music actually gave up the ghost around 1974, I offer, as the palate-cleansing hot spinach and artichoke dip, a boogaloo funk cut from The Highlighters, "The Funky Sixteen Corners." This one-time local chart-topper lingered in milk-crate obscurity until some British DJs over at the Stone's Throw label resurrected it and made it a fitting soundtrack to accompany teenage Ecstasy binges in Manchester.

And finally, for a great central coast perspective on national music, My Old Kentucky Blog is stellar. Mp3s for days. Hipster, to be sure, but administrator Dodge always seems to find a few great artists that Pitchfork, et. al, overlook. And if you are a true music perv, type in "Covers Project" on the search, listen to 20 versions of "When Doves Cry" or "Suspicious Minds", and then reflect on another wasted Saturday afternoon.

Thom Yorke Gets Hyphy

2008-02-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

Bay Area Producer/DJ Amp Live from the duo Zion I is a huge Radiohead Fan. Who isn't? When I like a new album, I play it in my car. When DJs dig albums, they remix and mash 'em. So, Amp Live goes out, gets some yay area hiphoppers to guest on the tracks, makes a great album and drops it in cyberspace for free distribution. Boom. Rainydayz Remixes

The only catch: you had to have bought the Radiohead In Rainbows album from the band's website within the first few days of release. Everything's good, right? He's in line w/ Radioheads ideology of supporting the music and not the beauracracy.

The Mixtape is posted, everyone loves it, rave reviews everywhere. Music fans are stoked, Amp Live gets good pub, starts playing the interpretations at his shows. People are, well, AMPED.

But, hold on!

Amp neglected to contact Radiohead and their publicist sends a cease and desist. So, Fuck! Nobody gets around to downloading the album, but there is still hope as the band agrees to give it a listen.

Low and behold, they like it, like everyone else, and realize he's not trying to profit off the sales.

It ends up that the whole issue stemmed from a likeness of Yorke being used on Amp's website and thats, evidently a big no-no.

But, alas, the album is now up for grabs, ITS FREE, and its probably your only chance to get tracks of Too Short, Del and Chali2na rapping w/ a bass and a snare over a Radiohead song.

Don't loose your head....

The Best Minute and Half in Grammy History

2008-02-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

I don’t watch the Grammys. I want to start my first addition to the QLE by making this known, but I do have a girlfriend so...

This year they did the Grammys right. Performances. No boring speeches thanking people you and I don’t know. Three and a half hours of performances, one of which blew my mind and gave me a semi.

I couldn't believe my ears, “And next, Kayne West performs with Daft Punk.” They couldn’t be there…. I mean, the American Music Association is not only recognizing DP but letting them play the Grammys?

The next two and a half minutes slogging through John Legend Target ads and discussing that "not so fresh feeling" seemed like an eternity. Was Middle America really going to see the robot suited French men electrify a triangle? I had my doubts, but sure enough, there was the pyramid. Not quite the enormous monolith that blew my mind in the desert, but a lighted pyramid, nonetheless.

Kayne, not to be out done by French men in EL robot suits (or anyone for that matter), popped the performance off with a robot “control panel” lit suit, and glowing stunners.

Eruptions of steam, light and fire surrounded Kayne as he bounced around the Krypton inspired stage, but still no DP. I began to stare intently at the pyramid wondering if Jimmy Jam had thrown the millions of DP fans a wicked curve. What if the Wizard was simply a CD deck on which a pimply faced intern pressed play.

Two minutes in, breaking a sweat, I found myself screaming NO each time he kept asking, “Is this what all you been waiting for?!”

Then it happened: we were in U.S.S. Daft Punk privy to a rare look since DP surfaced at Coachella in ’06, a view of their control panel. Although the Grammys set was a smaller version of their normal set-up take this taste, and if you are ever within one hundred miles, go, dance your face off and witness history.

And as far as the Grammy’s go ….. Amy might make it, CBS is shameless (Thanks Joe Mantegna), and Vince Gill is funny.