HDA

With all the bad news in the news today - credit crisis, mortgage meltdown, presidential politics, etc., I understand how you may have missed this item, but HDA is nothing to joke about. Affecting literally hundreds of Americans each year, HDA can lead to yellowing of the skin, sweating, vomiting, gastro-intestinal malaise, and general discomfort.

Hot Dog Addiction (HDA) is characterized by an unchecked need to continually ingest long, spherically-shaped, encased meats. Hot Dogs, Kielbasas, Sausages, it doesn't matter to the HDA sufferer. Like many addictions, the need to consume Hot Dogs takes precedence over one's own well being - affecting basic common sense and decision making abilities.

This past weekend, I was brought face to face with this sausage scourge. On Saturday morning we all went to breakfast and the soon to be exposed HDA ordered a massive breakfast and then, at the last second, decided to include a side of sausage. We thought nothing of it at the time...

A few hours later we were at an alumni tailgater with two choices for dinner: hamburgers or hot dogs. But these weren't just any hot dogs. Approximately 14 inches long and 2 inches in diameter, these were some serious swine products. But even 28 square inches of nitrate packed hot dog is not enough for the HDA sufferer. A scant 2 hours later, our friend went running from her seats watching the football game to buy.... You guessed it, an Autzen Stadium gameday polish sausage.

The rest, unfortunately, was fairly predictable - and the fallout was just as bad as one might imagine. It's horrible to see a friend suffer like we did and hopefully you take this blog to heart and watch your family and friends closely, and intervene if you see signs of HDA.

On a side note, The Happening is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This is relevant because the crazy guy who proposes that plants are causing the problem also has a Hot Dog Addiction and rambles aimlessly at one point for about 3.5 minutes about hot dogs and how much he loves them.

At this point, the list goes:
1. Death Sentence with Kevin Bacon
2. Be Kind, Rewind with Mos Def
3. The Happening with Marky Mark (notice the disrespectful downgrade from Mark Wahlberg)
Stay tuned as I am sure to rent more terrible movies and face ridicule in the near future.

Saturday Night

Didn't watch SNL this week? Oh, that's not surprising. Maybe it's because it sucks, or you weren't home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. But, since you missed SNL, then you missed the latest Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit. And that would just be a shame.





If you missed this one, you might have missed the first one (I know it's a long shot) but it's still some good stuff, so enjoy.





Oh, and my Saturday night - I saw Choke - the latest movie based off a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Sex addicts, anal beads, crazy chicks, and dark twisted cleverness throughout - all par for the course. It's pretty out there, but since we know I love to laugh loudly at the most uncomfortable moments of the movie, this one was right up my alley.


Also, on a side note, I'd like to just send a brief open Letter to Regal Cinemas theaters:

Dear Regal,

Thank you for raising your prices again. That extra $.50 was an awesome surprise when I went to the movie last night. It was kind of like getting a tittie twister as I walked in the door. I mean really? An extra $.50 did you think that $10 wasn't enough for a movie? Maybe it's some sort of fuel surcharge? To.... Deliver the movie? Assholes. At least you're delivering a superior product. Oh, wait, no you're not. Most of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months have been terrible. Oh, and the bathroom smells like a homeless person's house. In a NYC subway station. In a porta potty. It's seriously astoundingly foul. There's piss all over the ground, and some on the walls. In a room I had to pay $10 (make that $10.50, you cheap greedy pieces of shit) to get into. Taylor's bathroom is cleaner and people piss all over the place in there on purpose.

Go to hell,
All of Us

I'm Feeling Mislead

I'll admit it, I don't like Woody Allen that much. He's funny, I get that. Smashing sense of humor, great comedic timing and generally his films are cleverly and enjoyably written, but none of them fall even within my top 50. After receiving glowing recommendations I recently watched Annie Hall. Eh, yawn. Couple laughs, funny scenes, but it took me a couple weeks of 20 minutes here and there to see the whole thing.

Despite that, boy oh boy was I excited to see Vicky Christina Barcelona. My #1 and #2 favorite (and hottest) actresses, in one of my favorite countries in the world with some laughs and, of course, a sexy storyline between two beautiful women...

Thud.

You've been tricked, this is not a sexy movie! If anything, ScarJo and Penelope are a side show to the neuroticly annoying (but still cute) Rebecca Hall and her depressingly realistic relationship woes. You'll laugh, and you'll enjoy Javier Bardem, but you'll also be disappointed more than once in this one. Save it for video.

Quick Trivia

I will leave it to you to decide whether Hancock is good or not, but I had no idea that the film's director, Peter Berg, also played the tragic Dexter ('Dex') Rutecki in one of the most influential movies of my life, Aspen Extreme. Possibly my favorite part of his role is when he has to dress up in the Santa costume as a ski teacher. It was even better watching it come true in my own Copper Mountain Extreme experience when Huff had to dress as the Copper Cougar for a day and chase little kids around on tiny skis.

Love Dex, TJ, Bryce and of course, Franz. Although I usually wait until at least November, I may have to pop AE into the VHS a little sooner this year.

The new worst movie of '08

First off, my apologies to Kevin Bacon and all the tiny minds responsible for Death Sentence. I thought you had the stranglehold on the worst movie of 2008. Unfortunately you have been replaced. Now, this isn't to say that Be Kind Rewind is actually a worse movie overall, but seriously, BKR, what is your excuse?

My justifications for watching in the first place:

1. Starring Mos Def (#69 on Stuff White People Like), Jack Black, and Danny Glover, all people who have made me laugh and entertained me at some point.

2. Directed by Michael Gondry. He has made music videos for some of my favorite bands and directed great, award winning movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

3. A 67% on Rotten Tomatoes. Usually a pretty good guide, but a good lesson - always read the synopses and I would have seen warning words like "schmaltzy" and "corny cool and beautiful."

So it shouldn't be horrible, right? Wrong. It was apparent in about the first 10 minutes that we were in for an aimless, boring, overly sentimental crap fest full of rambling side stories, unclear plot motivations and irrelevant Jack Black "comedy."

The story was boring and sappy, the jokes were painfully obvious and I found myself repeatedly wondering: did all of these people sit around and have to convince themselves "Jack Black wearing a colander on his head will be REALLY funny!" I would expect that out of summer camp skit, not a lineup of this caliber.

2 For One Entertainment

Although summer's just getting started, I am ALWAYS looking ahead to winter and the coming ski season.  I guess the fact that we're experience a "Juneuary" in the PNW makes it a little easier to ignoring the pending joy of summer and think about skiing again...

But, June is when Rage Films releases their annual ski film teaser.  A couple of minutes dedicated to sick, new school skiing, amazing cinematography and, as always, the hottest new track.  So, if you've never seen a Rage Films (or are already a fan) check out the teaser for "Such is Life."  As a special bonus, you will be introduced to MGMT with their cut "Time to Pretend."  Now you're in the know.

Weeds Season 3 - Watch It

Season 3 came on DVD. It is great for the following:

1. Mary Louise-Parker is hot and manages to drink something out of a straw every episode (HELLO internet fanboy - sorry, it just kind of came out).

2. Kevin Nealon is absolutely brilliant.

3. Short but sweet. No fanatical devotion required.

Do you Hulu?

The purveyor of all things relevant and cool, GQ pointed this one out a couple months ago: www.hulu.com. This site is fantastic - they are currently in a private beta, only in the US and you have to be "invited" to sign up, like Gmail in the "early days."

Put in your email, and they will let you know when you can get in (took about 1 week for me). You will have access to an impressive amount of online content including TV shows (NBC after they drop-kicked iTunes), movies, clips, etc. And, it's all free with a limited number of 30 second ads from a variety of sponsors.

Personally, I am afraid of DVR (being trapped in my basement, a slave to my own obsessive media consumption), and I refuse to be someone who plans their lives around TV shows, so a chance to get the media I want when and where I want it is pretty exciting. Plus, never being limited to Marriott's hotel cable again? Priceless.

Bored, sick, traveling or tired of the writers strike?

It's time to start renting TV on DVD. As far as I'm concerned it goes: Gutenberg Press, TV, Gameboy, TV on DVD. This is clearly the natural progression of human entertainment evolution. Throw one in the queue while the weather is still bad and try not to get too hooked.

Best Network Show (Non Nerdy): The Office - NBC. The special features on these DVDs are great. Commentaries by Rainn Wilson and Angela Kinsey are fantastic and there are enough deleted scenes, outtakes and other random comedy that these go in the own-not-rent

Best Drama: Six Feet Under - HBO. An amazing, beautiful story that examines all the hardest parts of life, and how people deal with them. Loses some focus during the 3rd season, but finishes with a stunning, perfectly complete and crushing finale.

Best Comedrama: Weeds - Showtime. Short, easy to digest, very funny episodes. An insane storyline, great cliffhangers, and Kevin Nealon make this one can't miss. Careful not to get the opening song stuck in your head.

Best Epic: Sopranos - HBO. This one needs no introduction. Regardless of whether you have seen any of this one or all of it - sit down, start over and watch it. It's deep and complex enough that it's worth it.

Best Show Canceled after one Season: Lucky Louie - HBO. High moments of the series (and contributions to current nomenclature) - calling his four year old daughter an asshole, the phrase "go suck a bag of dicks" and of course, the creation of the term "blowie."

Best Basic Cable Show: Nip/Tuck - F/X. It's a sick world, and this show captures the sickest, dramatizes it and has a bunch of dead sexy people act it out. A true exercise in excess: each season gets weirder and farther fetched - that turns some people off, but it keeps me coming back.

Best Reason Not to Vote for Mitt Romney: Big Love - HBO. Bill Paxton is phenomenal as an awkward, in over his head patriarch of 3 families in a Polygamist sect. The drama is constant and the double crosses more complex than you can imagine. Three wives is three times more awesome, right?

Best Network Show (Nerdy): LOST - ABC. Numbers, puzzles, supernatural mysteries and that oh-so-sexy Kate. The show sucks on TV, but love it on DVD where the only downside to the cliff hangers is that it's 2 am and you have to be at work in the morning!

Best Awkward DVD: Curb Your Enthusiasm - HBO. Larry just keeps getting better (worse). The improv is spot on and the scenarios are ridiculous. And just when you think things couldn't get any worse - Larry opens his mouth.

January Videos - Updated

January was a tough month for movies. I am not sure what led to this, but a couple Tuesdays I got the stifled snort from the Blockbuster guy when I threw a couple DVDs down on the counter, but seriously, eff him! They're free - Total Access, bitch!

The King of Kong: A Fistfull of Quarters - I may have jumped the gun when picking the January DVDs before January was over. The last Tuesday brought this pleasant surprise. You will laugh, you might cry, but you will definitely want to punch Steve Sanders and Billy Mitchell. There are some amazing characters (Mr. Awesome) and the film stops short of being a school yard geek pounding and shows some respect (restraint) in their portrayal of the passion of the nerd. It's short, it's fun, but most importantly, it's hip and it's indie-cine, so you really can't afford to remain in the dark on this one, can you?

3:10 to Yuma. Maybe this one is a bit obvious. I mean, after all, that Christian Bale is so hot right now. Let me tell you, Russell Crowe is no slouch either. Don't count on a nonstop shootout (The Quick and the Dead this is not...). But there is enough going on that you won't be bored. Throw in some stunning vistas and and the super creepy performance by Ben Foster (he may have creeped you previously as Russell in 6 Feet Under or as strung out Jake in Alpha Dog) and you have a for sure winner.

Shoot Em Up. Ever wondered what would happen if a bunch of stoner video game makers got their hands on a room full of monkeys with typewriters, a kilo of blow and a Hollywood budget? My thoughts exactly: 86 minutes of awesome-ness. Somehow they got Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and the oh-so-sexy lactating hooker Monica Bellucci to sign on and I am pretty sure they all made it up as they went. Almost every line is chortle-out-loud funny and Owen's carrot obsessed sharp shooting appears to be the only unifying plot line, but really, what else do you need? I WILL watch this again.

Sunshine. This may be a stretch for some of you. It is, in fact, a deep space sci-fi thriller. There are two kind of people in this world: Nerds and Anti-Fantites. For better or worse, I'm a Nerd so roll with me on this one. For the most part, like being left handed, you are clearly one or the other.
Directed by Danny Boyle (28 days Later), this one puts you on edge from the beginning. Shit has gone seriously wrong. The Sun (and by association, the Earth) is dying. 8 good folks strap themselves to (literally) the worlds larges nuclear bomb (that's NUU-CLEE-ehr) and try to jumpstart the sun. Again we find Boyle teamed with Cillian Murphy, who is great, but who also automatically sets me on edge. He's weird and is always somewhat crazy (or completely crazy in Batman Begins). Combine that with a deep tension and a pervasive fear of the unknown and imminent death, and it's got you on the edge of your seat. And that's the first 8 minutes. Things build to an insane crescendo showcasing the best of Boyle and his refusal to be confined to a conventional or predictable style of film making.

And the winner for the WORST DVD of the month goes to: Death Sentence. Granted, I do have some long-standing anger toward Kevin Bacon. He ruined one of my favorite movies in high school - Wild Things. Oh baby, how I love you Denise Richards. But why, oh why, did they decide to wipe out all of the sexy swimming pool makeouts dancing merrily in my head with a protracted, full frontal shot of Kevin Bacon?
But back to Death Sentence. As the movie builds toward its third and final climax, Kevin Bacon goes loony. In the hospital, he decides it's "really" time for revenge. And this time, it's serious. He indicates his ferocity with the slowest eye-narrowing-while-turning-to-face-the-camera shot I have ever seen. I am pretty sure that James Wan was channeling a certain Youtube Clip when providing the direction here... (Thanks CLOVE).
So, do yourself a favor, skip this one and save yourself [insert punny reference to a "death sentence" here].