Thursday, August 28, 2008

And So It Begins

Today is a very special day, a day eagerly anticipated for about 9 months every year. Today is the kickoff of college football season. Tailgating, rivalries, screaming until you're hoarse, betting, compulsive internet reading and, of course, talking a HUGE amount of shit.

Shit talking during the college football season is truly one of a kind, mostly because it knows
virtually no bounds. No subject is off limits, and no claim of superiority too ridiculous For example, USC fans claiming they also received a superior education. Really? The 5 straight conference championships and BCS Bowl appearances weren't enough to prove superiority? Now you're bragging about the "quality of education" you received? If by education you mean learning to snort your parents money off a drivers license in the Viper Room bathroom, by all means, you win this round.

But that's not all, mascots, stadiums, student sections, hotness of cheerleaders, hotness of coeds, it's all out there and everyone thinks theirs is the best. So, when I stumbled across Radar Magazine's Online Guide to Bad Education, I felt compelled to pass it on, with, of course, some Cliff Notes in case you have to pretend to be busy today. Feel free to use this in your shit talking repertoir this fall, well, except for Reed College, unless your nerdy, exclusive Liberal Arts college is playing them in Quidditch.

Most Superficial goes to, you guessed it, USC. Not much to say that isn't painfully obvious on that one, except for this stunning figure: $50,000 a year to attend! That is $200,000 for 4 years (for only 65%...), and that's before Prada bags, Juicy sweatsuits, Chanel Sunglasses, and, oh yeah, the drugs... Ouch!

The Most Intolerant top 2 shouldn't really strike anyone as a big surprise - University of Mississippi and Brigham Young University. Seriously, this one is like a game of "Would you Rather" - with an endless debate about the lesser of two evils. Racist Crackers or Religoius Zealouts (not to mention no youtube, drinking, caffeine, Youtube, etc.). Yipes!

The Most Stoned is also a good one. Another California school (surprise!) pops up in the list with 4 out of 5 applications being accepted, but only half of those make it out in four years. The runner up, once again, deserves mentioning as the Dread-Headed step child of USC. Parents have money? Want to go somewhere with people equially as superficial as you but just can't quite get the GPA in USC territory? Or have you just not come to grips with your parents money? Looking for somewhere that you won't feel ridiculous climbing into a Range Rover with patched together pants, a dirty beard, Chacos and dreads (hello Trustafarian). Let me tell you about a magical little place called, Boulder...

Most Insuffrable - Reed College, "Known for its 'French-café-know-it-all" culture, Reed churns out the kind of smug, self-righteous bombasts you thought were possible only in subtitled movies. Notes one campus observer, succinctly, "Everyone I've ever met that goes or went to Reed is either full of themselves or full of shit."

Most Insecure - Fnally, I am happy to report an in-state school made the list as well! The #1 runner up in the country, Oregon State University. The state's second biggest school with the second best athletic program is like the annoying younger brother with a serious inferiority complex. OK, so I made this one up, but I hope they enjoy their new more "workmanlike" jerseys this year - the'll look great with an Emerald Bowl patch on the shoulder.

Well that's it for the list, but I encourage you, keep the debate open, keep the conversation flowing because things will only get better over the next three months.

1 comment:

Lizzie Bennett said...

I am highly disappointed that the University of Puget Sound Loggers didn't make this list. What, just because I didn't know we had a football team until Junior year means the rest of the US hasn't heard about them? That's crap.

Plus, while we didn't have a Viper Room, the Trustafarians at UPS also did their fair share of cocaine (I didn't notice that until Junior year, either...)