Friday, August 29, 2008

Body Wash

I don't really understand why all these companies are trying to push body wash on me. During my 5 hour College Football kickoff last night I was assaulted on numerous occasions by commercials featuring naked men in the shower luxuriously massaging themselves with some sort of gel soap. I know sex sells, but this is not the sex that's going to sell me and convince me to discard my old friend, soap.

Soap is one of those things that I just don't think can be improved upon. It comes in a convenient bar form that travels well, applies easily to the whole body, is inexpensive, and remarkable effective. I've never used soap to wash myself and said afterward, "Dang, that soap just didn't do the job, I wish it did X."

Body wash is foofy. It comes in some sharply designed container and is advertised to have a variety of properties that will make you more desirable (Hello Axe?), manly, cleaner, softer, etc. Personally, while I, like everyone, constantly seeks to be as desirable, clean, manly yet soft, I just don't see that $7 bottle of body wash getting the job done. Oh, and for 9 out of 10 women the word DOUCHEBAG pops out of their mouth every time they smell an Axe product.

The biggest problem is maybe I just don't understand how to use the product. Every time I attempt a body-washing, luxuriously rubbing myself with some bright blue gel that smells like a 13 year old's cologne, I:
1. Use half the bottle to achieve the proper lather. It gets all over except in the reigons most in need of cleaning. Could be that I'm lacking a loufa, but I will not purchase an accessory to to make bodywash act like soap when soap acts like soap as is. Why, as a 20-something man, is loufa even a part of my vocabulary?
2. I don't feel like it gets things clean. In fact, it leavs me feeling less clean and kind of slippery. I don't like that.

Bottom line, other than GoJo Orange, I can't imagine a liquid cleaner that will surpass soap so please, everyone, let's stop with this silliness and leaving the loufa-ing to the ladies.

Soap: keeping you clean since 2800 BC.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

And So It Begins

Today is a very special day, a day eagerly anticipated for about 9 months every year. Today is the kickoff of college football season. Tailgating, rivalries, screaming until you're hoarse, betting, compulsive internet reading and, of course, talking a HUGE amount of shit.

Shit talking during the college football season is truly one of a kind, mostly because it knows
virtually no bounds. No subject is off limits, and no claim of superiority too ridiculous For example, USC fans claiming they also received a superior education. Really? The 5 straight conference championships and BCS Bowl appearances weren't enough to prove superiority? Now you're bragging about the "quality of education" you received? If by education you mean learning to snort your parents money off a drivers license in the Viper Room bathroom, by all means, you win this round.

But that's not all, mascots, stadiums, student sections, hotness of cheerleaders, hotness of coeds, it's all out there and everyone thinks theirs is the best. So, when I stumbled across Radar Magazine's Online Guide to Bad Education, I felt compelled to pass it on, with, of course, some Cliff Notes in case you have to pretend to be busy today. Feel free to use this in your shit talking repertoir this fall, well, except for Reed College, unless your nerdy, exclusive Liberal Arts college is playing them in Quidditch.

Most Superficial goes to, you guessed it, USC. Not much to say that isn't painfully obvious on that one, except for this stunning figure: $50,000 a year to attend! That is $200,000 for 4 years (for only 65%...), and that's before Prada bags, Juicy sweatsuits, Chanel Sunglasses, and, oh yeah, the drugs... Ouch!

The Most Intolerant top 2 shouldn't really strike anyone as a big surprise - University of Mississippi and Brigham Young University. Seriously, this one is like a game of "Would you Rather" - with an endless debate about the lesser of two evils. Racist Crackers or Religoius Zealouts (not to mention no youtube, drinking, caffeine, Youtube, etc.). Yipes!

The Most Stoned is also a good one. Another California school (surprise!) pops up in the list with 4 out of 5 applications being accepted, but only half of those make it out in four years. The runner up, once again, deserves mentioning as the Dread-Headed step child of USC. Parents have money? Want to go somewhere with people equially as superficial as you but just can't quite get the GPA in USC territory? Or have you just not come to grips with your parents money? Looking for somewhere that you won't feel ridiculous climbing into a Range Rover with patched together pants, a dirty beard, Chacos and dreads (hello Trustafarian). Let me tell you about a magical little place called, Boulder...

Most Insuffrable - Reed College, "Known for its 'French-café-know-it-all" culture, Reed churns out the kind of smug, self-righteous bombasts you thought were possible only in subtitled movies. Notes one campus observer, succinctly, "Everyone I've ever met that goes or went to Reed is either full of themselves or full of shit."

Most Insecure - Fnally, I am happy to report an in-state school made the list as well! The #1 runner up in the country, Oregon State University. The state's second biggest school with the second best athletic program is like the annoying younger brother with a serious inferiority complex. OK, so I made this one up, but I hope they enjoy their new more "workmanlike" jerseys this year - the'll look great with an Emerald Bowl patch on the shoulder.

Well that's it for the list, but I encourage you, keep the debate open, keep the conversation flowing because things will only get better over the next three months.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Headline of the Day

"Policing Porn on Airlines?"

Yup, that's what I came across on my 2:45 pm perusal of (as clearly distinguished from my 2:30 pm perusal of

First off, is that really what qualifies as a headline these days? A wide open, possibly rhetorical statement relying on the strength of the word PORN to draw in viewers. OK, OK, point taken, it worked as I was quick to click on this one.

The video it fires up is of Mike Galanos, an absurd caricature of the 24 hour news cycle anchor man. Righteously indignant, sleeves rolled up, gyrating in his chair at the mere thought of the outrage he may suffer, he stares into the camera, gripping his pen-as-prop and preaches:

"Filter out the CRAP, I don't want my son sitting next to a PERVERT who's watching porn."

"I'm all for people surfing the "net," just put a filter up to keep out the garbage."

"Let's get some calls in, Jan in California, Jan, isn't this ridiculous?"

Hey, Galanos, you closet porn fiend, get a life. We all agree that we don't want some dude watching Max Hardcore in 21E when we're in 21F, but quit pretending to be a news man, quit telling your guests their opinion and for the love of Melanoma, lay off the tanning bed.

A quick Google of the "net" with no "filter" brings up some awesome results for Galanos the porn fiend, including a petition to get him kicked off CNN (with some good comments I might add). No one seems to like him and there are some stellar adjectives ("douchy" popped up more than once) to describe his obnoxious delivery and Conservative/Moral Values bent.

Bottom line, I would have been able to stand him and might even respect his work a little if he'd just gotten Samuel L Jackson on there: "We've got to get this MUTHAFUCKIN' PORN off this MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

QLE Etiquette Tip of The Day

Everybody has those little meltdowns. You get into an argument with someone, usually in a public place and neither side sees eye to eye. For example, this morning, I arrived at my parking spot to find all the spaces were taken. Our parking is located in a trendy part of town and, this being Portland, we share our lot with a coffee shop. I regularly find my parking spot occupied by some caffeine junkie, feening for their morning jolt, who apparently was too bleary eyed to read the "Reserved Parking" sign. On numerous occasions I have complained to the coffee shop owner who usually looks at me, shrugs and gives me the equivalent of "Not my problem, bub."

This morning (Monday) I arrived to find that, once again, someone had parked in my spot. So, I parked on the coffee shop's side of the lot to head into work and investigate if the offender was from our building or not. About one block away from the lot, someone screams HEY and runs up behind me. I turn around, and there is the coffee shop owner in attack mode. Finger in my face she informs me that if I don't move my car she's going to tow me. On my first try I
explain the situation - hey, the parking lot is often a problem, I am heading over to figure this out. She continues with inarticulate threats. Suddenly there are bystanders - someone walking up the sidewalk, another guy from the office next door - both wide eyed at the insane small business owner's display.

Ultimately, I make the right choice, move my car and avoid the verbal melee that was sure to ensue (Oh really? You really need that extra parking spot for the one customer per hour you service? Oh, and your paninis suck! A panini is grilled ciabatta, NOT wonder bread, loser!). We all have these little fights, and we all picture how they could go (both the right and the wrong way).

I did it right, the Cuban [wow, scratch my earlier Brazillian comment, so much for the QLE's journalistic integrity] Taekwondo guy did it wrong when he roundhoused the referee (and the coffee shop owner is lucky I'm not this flexible, attacking from behind like that!).

Friday, August 22, 2008

Nelly - Hot in Herre

Juxtaposed to Radiohead, Nelly is on the other side of the music genius spectrum. We all jammed out to this track and we all know the lyrics. This was THE defining college fratastic classic. Banging Pharrell beat. Great sleazy video. Easy to remember hook and call backs. Its got it all. HOT IN HERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE

Congrats to Radiohead

This week marks the 9th year in a row that Radiohead is my favorite band. For being such a fickle bitch and waffler, I'd say that is a minor miracle. 

They must really be the best band in the world if they can stand up to all my non-committing and flakiness. 

In the same time period I've constantly wrestled internally about my favorite sports teams, cities to live, life priorities, soda vs. coffee, food preferences, snootiness and lack-there-of, authors and movie directors. 

However, I've never wavered on my music preference. 

Here we are on the morning of the first ever Outside Lands Festival in San Francisco and Radiohead is headlining tonight. They deserve that closing slot and have earned it by making and mastering all the right music specifically tailored to my yearns and desires. Here is the part in the post where I am supposed to dive into the nuances of what makes them so great. But suffice to say that you either get it or you don't.  Again, congrats to Thom Yorke and his band of brothers. 

Taking it to a whole new level

I couldn't resist this one...

Thirsty Thursdays, the $2 beer night at Portland's PGE Park (Home to the Portland Beavers), is the place to be on Thursday nights during the summer. Cheap beer, tiny "outfits," overly tanned under worked Sorority Girls and Frat Guys and the crushing reality of a 5 day work week to the young 20-somethings can make for a rough Friday morning.

Last night, it wasn't just the half-lidded dude monching nachos after 15 beers (in the 3rd inning) or the girl in 4 inch stillettos taking a spill in the ever winding beer garden line (or the inevitable baseball to the dome as she "chats" vapidly with her back to the game).

No, last night, the whole place blacked out, according to The Oregonian:

"A fallen tree was blamed for a power failure tonight that blacked out PGE Park for 90 minutes, suspending a game between the Portland Beavers and their rivals from Tacoma. PGE spokeswoman Elaina Medina said the outage hit ... the ballpark, about 9 p.m."

Yup, sounds about right to me. Wonder if the Ballpark went to Mazatlan for a Tequilla shot and a giant burrito then threw up, too?

Monday, August 11, 2008

Free iPod

No, this post is not going to be full of spam, no you don't have to forward this to 100 friends (although passing on the QLE to friends IS recommended), but if you've got some spare time this week and don't mind doing a little finagling, a free $150 new toy awaits.

Go to the Key Bank website for terms conditions, etc. Basically it goes like this - get free checking, use your debit card and make two $100 bill payment transfers (cell phone bill, pay your credit card you've been meaning to pay anyway) and voila, a shiny new Nano shows up in the mail. The caveat, of course, is that you must keep the account open 6 months (or get slapped with a $25 fee - still a good deal!) and it will take a while to get your award, but for the grand total cost of $0 it's a smoking hot deal. There are two kickers:
1. You have until Friday to get the deal done (which I believe is as easy as applying online)
2. You will have a 1099 INT (basically telling the IRS you got this banking benefit) - but you can work that out with your tax adviser.

To take it one step further - if you're one of the many distressed by no longer taking VISA (chalk another one up for the recording industry), but don't want to give some site from Russia your bank account number - especially with they way THEY are taking things over lately (too soon?), then in theory you could use your Key Bank account as a "buffer" - putting money in there to get yourself cheap, high quality music but not giving them access to your big 3 figure savings account.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Willie Make It, Honey Bucket: Porta-Potty Etiquette

The QLE, although occasionally irreverent, sarcastic and a bit crude, works hard to ensure that all readers are aware of and do not fall afoul of, many of life unwritten etiquette rules.

Today we'd like to offer a little help to the drunken moron who walks in front of lines of people, or you, girl in ridiculously slutty outfit who flirts her way to the front - that's right there are basic rules and etiquette for standing in line for the hot, smelly, plastic porto.

It's summer, and that means that you will inevitably find yourself standing in a sweaty crush of people with dirty feet, a sunburned face, a mild buzz going and a SEVERELY full bladder. The only option is to wade through the crowd: "Excuse me, pardon, might if I... yeah, right through there. Um, bro, is it cool if I - yeah, thanks. *Splash* - yeah, no problem. Yeah, wahooo! Cheers to you too! OK, thanks."
After enough of this nonsensical stupidity, you arrive.

No, wait, that can't be right. You ask youself, then you ask those around you, "Is this
really the line for the toilets?" Inevitably, you get a "Yeah, bro, sucks, huh?" So you're in line with about 500 people waiting for 10 toilets, and you have about 7 minutes until absolute disaster. So despite what you perceive as impending doom, be sure to follow a few simple rules, or risk shouts, poured beer, heckling for 499 people or worse, getting your Honey Bucket dumped over with you in it...

First - feel free to do a little recon! There is an amazing new type of public piss system: the portable trough! That's right, 12 dudes, one porto. Now, even at beer festivals, notorious for being dude heavy, you can skip the lines and all you have to do is crowd into a hot, cramped piss soaked room with eleven other bro-hards.

Wait your turn. Yes, that means you drunk person, angry person, person who has to pee (yeah,
we're all right there with you) little kid (minus visible accident), hot girl, girl who think's she's hot, "confused" person, everyone.

Pick your line, stick with it. You don't see people swirving all over the toll plaza 10 feet from the booth. That's not how it works. Roll the dice and hope your line gets done quicker than everyone else's.

Don't save spots. I don't care what the excuse, if you have a group of 5 friends join you (or even one) you're looking for trouble.

Finally, don't be afraid to double up. If your parts complement the porto's parts, you can each relieve yourself simultaneously. For this to work, on person must be able to pee standing up in the urinal (not a purse holder as a friend's gramma thought...). Two girls are actually three times slower than one girl. However, a guy and a girl can get the job done just fine and in (relative) privacy (thank you barn dance).

In the end, I am sure you'll make it. And once you're in there, enjoy the relief and make everyone's day better, if you only remember one thing, remember to put the seat up... Both of them.