Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Great! You have a Mustache. Yeah, we all get it.....

Hey Man, how long must this go on?!?!?! I think by now that everyone knows you have a mustache. We see you every other day bagging our groceries at the neighborhood Trader Joe's.

Hey! You there with the two-tone murray aquamarine fixy bike that dodges through traffic during rush hour with your parcel bag full of fair-trade coffee on your way to the dive bar that nobody knows about to drink PBR that you don't even like and listen to New Wave synthpop bands from Sheffield. Yeah, man. We all get it. You have a Mustache.

You, good sir. The sleepwalker at the Lowe's Movie Theater that scoops my popcorn. We all see your mustache too.

And you, I keep running into you at the corner cafe under the heater in your thick-knitted-scarf drinking your americano while reading something postmodern from Vonnegut or DeLillo. Everyone clearly sees the start of your mustache.

Lest I forget, you there! Dude, hey man.... hey Dude! You and your bro's, yeah I'm talking to you. OBVI! Yeah, you and your gang of four recently graduated, striped shirt wearing, Red Bull blaster drinking while playing beer pong in the corner brosheves. I've got some breaking news for you: girls will not fuck you with a mustache! Nobody thinks it's funny anymore and in no way is it ironic.

How long must this fad go on? I understand that the mustache has been around since the razor blade, but the renaissance within the youth of the nation's literary, hipster, nihilistic and fraternity communities during that last few years should have surely phased out by now.

As my father always says, "mustaches are to compensate for a lack of hair on the top of your head." This coming from a guy who has donned the muzzy since his early twenties. Clearly, this rule is the steeped in logic and is the end of the discussion as far as I'm concerned. Definitively, this notion goes against the ideology of all these kids in their 20's with the nose neighbor.

So now, I submit my list of who can successfully wear the mustache:
1. Military Men
2. A Walrus
3. Porn Stars
4. Relief Pitchers
5. Taxidermists
6. Person's who have worn the mustache since before the 90's
7. Balding men (and women - see Frida Kahlo)

And thats about it. No hipsters. No futurists. No jocks. We all got the joke and thought it was funny two years ago, but come on, isn't it time for a clean shave? Or at least time to audition the beard?


B Money said...

Although I wouldn't dare to question your upper lip logic, I must respectfully submit that the inverse must always be true: if you are a motorcycle cop, it is a 100% requirement that you have a mustache. Preferably bushy.

Tim said...

The Cop from The Village People just served me a grande latte this morning. My god, the 'stache is the new goatee.

Courtney said...

8. Magnum P.I.

Rob said...

cowboys can have mustaches ... OBVICITY!!!!

Nick said...

Freddy Mercury

Sake J said...

circus ring leaders!

Shandon said...

Beards. Facial hair. Boys with facial hair. Beards.

Aron said...

I agree with the assertion on two fronts.
1. Women hate them.
2. They are not an ironic fashion statement anymore.

However, if you are looking to bring about change or grab attention, a mustache is a great look to complete the movement.

Pancho Villa, Wyatt Earp and Aron Glatzer, and Ned Flanders are each fine examples of individuals who took the mustache to better their respective communities.

white chocolate said...

2nd to Brother T. Selleck
but also interjecting:

Daniel Day Lewis in any sinister acting role i.e. "Gangs of New York" and "There Will Be Blood" & Sam Elliot any damn time he wants to.