Saturday, September 6, 2008

Breaking News: Baseball Season Still Plugging Away

Baseball is boring. Its a snoozer. Let's all admit it and move on with our lives. 
The season started in late March, its now September, and the REGULAR season is still not finished. 

I submit, that nobody cares anymore, save all the weirdos from Boston and New York that I know. 

I'm done with baseball. I'm done watching it on TV. I do not want to talk about it and I certainly do not want to find myself in another conversation with a bunch of people talking about baseball that do not know what they are talking about because they all find the sport terribly tiresome. 

Next time someone says the word baseball, mentions a team or a player, I'm walking away.
You are now all warned. 

I'm over going to the ballpark. 

"Oh, but the ballpark is so beautiful." Yeah, but how about the city park, state park, national park, beach, your girlfriend, that concert venue, etc...

The last thing I want to do with me free time is sit in a child size scorching hot metal seat and watch grown men stand around in Lycra and adjust their cups - all while spending $8 on beer just to make the event slightly passable. 

The game is so boring that players are rooted at their positions only to move sporadically for 5-20 second increments. Further, the players are all so checked out that they all have a chewing tabacco habit just to keep the buzz going to pay attention. 

Baseball has no time limit. Extra innings at a baseball game means time to go home. Every other sport its exhilarating. 

The next time I walk into a bar and there are grown men entrenched at the stools watching the afternoon game of the two out of contention teams with players nobody's ever  heard of with the sound of "Freebird" playing in the background it not only time to walk out, but time to reevaluate my life. 

I am sick of all the "National Pastime" prestige that thrown around when mentioning baseball. The only reason it was the nations sport was because baseball, football, hockey and soccer were not around yet. 

Ever watched a full baseball game on TV. Didn't think so.  Last time a baseball game was on at my house I left in the 3rd inning, went to the gym, then the movie theater, came back, showered and the game was in the 2ND inning. I know, seemingly impossible, but true. 

Baseball also doesn't have any personalities that you can love, or love to hate. Who is the Ron Mexico, Pac-Man Jones or Ocho Cinco of baseball? There is definitely no Brett Favre of baseball. 

Baseball sucks. 

The season is 162 games long. 6 months. Half a year. Who has time for this!?!? What kind of lives are these baseball fans living where they can invest so much time in such a time suck.  

This litany of reasons can go on and on, but I think I can speak for 99% of my friends when I say that I just don't care anymore.


Sake J said...

When the city you live in can't put a passable team on the field, this is going to be the general consensus. When there is no chance of seeing anything greater than win, the game loses it's draw. And it helps t actually be a fan of something before you are over it.

Sake J said...

And you stole that headline from the Onion.

Allie said...

"If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em." -Yogi Berra

Loganius said...

Baseball is God's game. That's right, it was birthed from the womb of the divine and stands as a monument to the wonder of her glorious cooch.

At the risk of sounding like a disgruntled Wes Anderson fan who tells all his friends who didn't like Rushmore, "you just don't get it," I will now explain the genius inherent in the design of the game. At the end of this, if you still can't understand why this game is incredible, I can't help you. Also, Rushmore is fucking amazing, so...get with it.

1. Each pitch is a chess match in a grander chess game. Major League hitters and pitchers approach a game with more preparation than the Bush Administration showed going into Iraq. For example, pitchers generally have 2 pitches they can (hopefully) consistently throw for strikes, and then an out pitch. But wait! With each pitch, the strategy must change. For example, down 2-1 in the count, most pitchers will go to a fastball or changeup because those pitches are easiest to locate and they know that going down 3-1 puts the hitter at such an incredible advantage, the likelihood of something terrible happening increase substantially. Conversely, a pitcher up 1-2 in the count will typically go out of the zone on the 4th pitch, knowing full well they still have one more pitch to throw for a strike before they load the count. There are hundreds of these adjustments that must be made, and each pitcher has different pitches and therefore different strategy. The chess game aspect of the game is often unappreciated, leading viewers to be bored out of their fucking minds.

2. Hitting a baseball at 70MPH is tough. Hitting one at 90MPH+ is tougher. Hitting one at 86MPH that has movement, nearly impossible. But these guys do it. And they are expected to do it consistently. Perhaps on Tennis (amongst mainstream sports) rivals baseball in the amount of hand-eye-coordination needed to succeed at the highest levels. We should stand in awe of their accomplishment, not deride them!

3. September/October. The entire season, which starts in April culminates in two of the most exciting months of sports, March Madness aside.

4. Personalities. You want a character? You want a personality? How about Manny Ramirez? This guy makes Pacman Jones seem like Ben Stein on Valium. Sure he doesn't get in trouble with the law, but the man just tanked 2 months of a season to force his team's hand and trade him. His reasoning? They only wanted to give him 20 million next season, he thinks he's worth 100mil over 4 years. Oh, and he took piss breaks in the Fenway score board, talked on his cell during innings, HIGH FIVED A FAN in an opposing stadium after catching a ball...then completed a double play.

Also, take John Lester. Beat cancer, won game 4 of the world series, threw a two years time!

5. Bill Murray. So good in Rushmore. Major Cubs fan.

A-Rod Bangs Madonna.

A-Rod Bangs Derek Jeter.

Guys like Joba Chamberlain

This sport has tons of great personalities.