Monday, September 29, 2008

Small Fight of the Day

Although I'm a bit concerned about what it may say about my sanity if this becomes a regular feature on the blog, I just can't help myself.

Fall is a special time of year. New cars, new TV shows, fun new consumer electronics and, everyone's favorite, new phone books???

That's right, for the past week, various sources have been foisting their antiquated ad laden giant pain in the ass phone books on me. Yellow Book, Verizon, Qwest, all equally useless, all dumping approximately 25 lbs of useless "books" on my doorstep, in my front lawn or in my driveway. Seriously, have you heard of a smart phone? Goog-text? Goog-411? Yahoo Yellow Pages? All are more efficient, right at my finger tips and do not require sifting 5 inch thick tomes to find out the number for Papa Johns so I can order the Canadian Bacon/Pineappe/American Bacon Pizza.

Last week, the smashed up, no window all white panel van slowed in front of my house, and the sliding door came open. Drive by? Child abduction? No, just a dude throwing a big pile of books/trash on to my front lawn. Qwest. 3 days later, I'm backing out of the driveway, and the same white van with the same dudes throw a bundle onto the driveway (forcing me to get out and move them before backing out). Verizon. This is getting ridiculous.

So I'm sitting at my desk this afternoon, working hard, when an extrodinarily sweaty woman and her daughter (I'm assuming) walk into the office and, in a cheery and singsong (if breathless from the couple flights of stairs) voice:

Sweaty Woman: "Helloooo! We have your new phooonnne booooks!"

Me: "No thanks."

SW: "What?"

Me: "Don't need them, I'll just recycle them, so why don't you keep them and you can make sure they get to a deserving phonebook customer who might use them."

SW: [long uncomfortable pause, looks at daughter, both stare at me as if to say: "Um, hello, we're offering you a lifetime supply of free steak here, and you're saying no thank you? What are you crazy, these are PHONE BOOKS."]

Me: "Sorry."


Me: "Bye!"

A Weird Sighting in San Francisco

The 25th year Anniversary of The Folsom Street Fair was not the weirdest thing I witnessed yesterday in San Francisco.

Group flogging and whipping sessions at the fair were weird, but not weirdest.

Orgy and massage oil wrestling ring. Quite weird, but not the weirdest.

The guy getting head from the girl with the Captain America fighting Ironman tattooed on her back- both totally naked while being videoed by the Japanese tourist in studded g-string who was being pulled along by a dog collar chain held by his two foot taller German girlfriend dressed in full red latex body paint.

Pretty bizarre, but not the winner.

That was all within the first and only five minutes I was at the Street Fair.

Next Stop. Vertigo bar for an afternoon birthday party house/trance/breaks music event for some guy I have never met.

Weird that there were black lights and neon posters set up for a party during the day and there was sage burning everywhere. Strange, but not the apex of weird yesterday.

Signing Thai karaoke at the restaurant next door in a foreign language and getting a round of applause after picking what evidently was the song that everyone wanted to hear. Pretty normal, compared to the what happened next.

At that point it was 700PM and time to go home and get life together. I traversed back to North Beach and was on my block when I witnessed one of the more strange things I've ever seen. There was this bum clad in a blue plaid flannel shirt, short Prefontaine shorts, a Popeye hat and barefoot. He was bent over an unassuming green sidewalk bush. You know, one of those little shrubs that are everywhere that just seem to take up the pathway space where you always have to stand behind and wait for the lady with the stroller to pass by.

So this degenerate, safe to say bum, was in another dimension, universe, some altered state of Claritin-D byproduct Crystal Meth or just was the hungriest muther-f'er in town. He was face down, mouth open chopping at said shrub like it was the last consumable on earth. This man was straight up eating one of the cities bush's in public. Munch, Munch, Munch.

Thats weird. But not as strange as the fact that nobody else seemed to think this was abnormal or worthly enough of a second glance. People, couples, families would walk by, take a look and move on. I watched this goatman for about 5 mins from a half block away and during that spell or time, not a soul stopped to look at this act of craziness.

Who are the people that live in this city and are so desensitized that a man eating a bush like a goat, is just an everyday occurance?!?!?!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday Night

Didn't watch SNL this week? Oh, that's not surprising. Maybe it's because it sucks, or you weren't home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. But, since you missed SNL, then you missed the latest Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit. And that would just be a shame.

If you missed this one, you might have missed the first one (I know it's a long shot) but it's still some good stuff, so enjoy.

Oh, and my Saturday night - I saw Choke - the latest movie based off a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Sex addicts, anal beads, crazy chicks, and dark twisted cleverness throughout - all par for the course. It's pretty out there, but since we know I love to laugh loudly at the most uncomfortable moments of the movie, this one was right up my alley.

Also, on a side note, I'd like to just send a brief open Letter to Regal Cinemas theaters:

Dear Regal,

Thank you for raising your prices again. That extra $.50 was an awesome surprise when I went to the movie last night. It was kind of like getting a tittie twister as I walked in the door. I mean really? An extra $.50 did you think that $10 wasn't enough for a movie? Maybe it's some sort of fuel surcharge? To.... Deliver the movie? Assholes. At least you're delivering a superior product. Oh, wait, no you're not. Most of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months have been terrible. Oh, and the bathroom smells like a homeless person's house. In a NYC subway station. In a porta potty. It's seriously astoundingly foul. There's piss all over the ground, and some on the walls. In a room I had to pay $10 (make that $10.50, you cheap greedy pieces of shit) to get into. Taylor's bathroom is cleaner and people piss all over the place in there on purpose.

Go to hell,
All of Us

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Fred Willard Eats Cheese

There I was at Whole Foods earlier today. Minding my own business. In fact, I was literally going about some work business, when I was gently tapped across the right shoulder by a man holding a rolled up newspaper.

"Do you know where the CHEEESSEE is?"

That is what Fred Willard asked me today.

What made him think I was the one to ask? Did he not see the 20+ people or so wearing forest green Whole Foods aprons meandering throughout the aisles? How did he pick me over the dread locked, goatee donning, long sleeve tie-dye shirt wearing employee in which I was having a conversation?

Ira was the one with the Green Apron and name tag. I had on a polo shirt, sunglasses on my head and was chewing on a toothpick.

Yet he still picked me.

Best part about it, I DID know where the cheese was and had just been there. Thats where I got the toothpick, from the gouda sample squares three aisles over. Could Fred Willard really be that astute. Maybe. He did come up with the blind prostitute joke impromptu.

"The cheese is located three aisles down, near the produce."

That was my best effort. My one opportunity to impress one of the world's foremost improv comedians of Christopher Guest movie fame. One of my favorite actors. The guy stars in my second favorite comedy of all time and I left the conversation thinking to myself, "Whaaa Haappened....??!?!!"

Some skin for your mornin'

This week Sarah Palin, the GOP Veep candidate has been taking advantage of the UN General Assembly in NYC to brush up on her foreign policy credentials. Much like a few former Presidents (Reagan, Clinton, Bush) who came from roles as Governor, she has taken the opportunity to hone her chops ahead of important debates and as the election nears (she's only had her Passport since 2007).

She has met with a variety of world leaders, including a h
andful from the Middle East, for obvious reasons. She's taking a bit of a different approach, the sexy approach...

Meeting with the President of a Muslim nation and there she is, showing off those beauty queen legs! Now, it's all a matter of standards, and Karzai certainly isn't demanding she wear a burka, but seriously, that seems a little racy! That would be kind of like walking into a job interview wearing shorts instead of a suit. No, a suit isn't required, but it certainly does send a message.

And apparently Palin's message is being received, loud and clear by these heads of state. According to one blogger - "Pakistan's president tells Palin she's 'gorgeous' and 'Hotter Than the Kalahari in July." Although clearly that's winner for the headline of the day, the actual wording is a bit more subtle, but equally as outrageous. According to, Zardari and his entourage made numerous comments about the Veep candidate's looks and Zardari even mentioned that instead of the long handshake for photographers he'd be willing to hug. Nice.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Northwest Holiday

I'm a day late, but that's only because I went RUNNING out yesterday to get me some frosty delicious goodness. That's right, yesterday Deschutes Brewery tapped the first kegs of Jubelale. ("Tapped" is obviously a bit of a misnomer as I was able to buy some the same day at Fred Meyer, but hey, I've exaggerated a time or two).

A few years ago, I had no idea what Jubelale was. I was working in the beer business and having a "meeting" with one of my co-workers in town from Nebraska when he got a text message that made him jump out of his chair, grab his keys and all but shout, "DUDE, let's go, they just tapped the Jubel," and run out the door. Seriously.

So the point is, it's good. Really good. And I've got to say that this year's blows last years out of the water. I recommend you grab six and grub and settle in to watch USC beat the sad, sad piss out of OSU tomorrow (while somehow wishing both teams could lose/settle in for a nice 10 year span of irrelevancy a la UW).

On a side note, I am glad the Jubelale is good. I had a bit of a falling out with the folks at Deschutes the week before. My GF recently brought over a couple bottles of this year's reserve, "the dissident." Although I don't want to get into a big beer snob love note for this beer, I must say, it is a treat. It's a Flanders style brown brewed with wild yeast and then aged separately for 18 months. It's some serious fancypants shit but boy oh boy does it come out well.

So, I ran not walked down to Deschutes to grab more just a couple days later only to find they had COMPLETELY SOLD OUT. I was disappointed to say the least, until I walked into Thriftway the next day to find an ample supply sitting untouched on their shelves. Anyway, do yourself a favor, if you can, get your hands on a bottle of this before it's gone. It's not like anything you've had before and is 100% worth it. Get it at Thriftway on Olson and Garden Home in SW Portland.

You Oughta Know - Literature

This is the first piece in what will become a weekly post entitled "You Oughta Know."

We will highlight a category and relay the our view of the 10 most important facts or works of art within said category so that we can all be a little more in tune and dialed in to what is what. 
Endeavoring to highlight events, places, persons, ideas and thoughts that revolutionized the world, or our world, this section of the QLE should provide for some good fodder.

The topic for this week is Literature. Imaginative and creative writing that resonates throughout the years as having ascertained supreme artistic value and contribution to the overall greater good of the art. These bodies of work stand along among others as having endured the test of time. 

1. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
2. Iliad - Homer
3. Moby Dick - Melville
4. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
5. Paradise Lost - John Milton
6. 1984 - George Orwell
7. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
8. A Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemmingway
9. Call of the Wild - Jack London
10. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

These works certainly speak for themselves. Please send in your comments, concerns, critique and glaring omissions. And get to readying ya'll. 

Snoozing is a sign of weakness

When I was in 8th grade my best friend moved from the next block to the deep suburbs. Disappointing to say the least to now have to hang out with the second tier local friends.

His new place afforded us many opportunities our old one didn't. We didn't have to climb down a giant hedge-like bush to sneak out. The neighborhood was on
hills that afforded death defying (and moronic) speed runs on our bikes. There was also lots of new construction around which allowed plenty of 14 year old mischief, which I will not detail as I am not sure if what the statue of limitations is on this one... Even the cops were nice. We got picked up for curfew at the Zupans market (after buying a 3 liter of pop. Seriously, a 3 liter, how am I not diabetic?) and they just told us to be good and go home. Ask my brother how that differs from the Portland Police approach...

My buddy has always been quite industrious and so had a job early on. So, when I'd stay out there on weekends he'd get up in the morning to go to work and I'd sleep in (I was a lazy teenager). Let's say he had to be up at 7:30 to be to work at 8. He'd set his alarm for... 5:45. That's ONE AND A HALF HOURS before he had to be up. He would then proceed to snooze every 12 minutes for the next hour and a half. That alarm buzzer would go off 8 times before he finally hauled it out of bed. God forbid I should have to listen to that buzzer 8 times in a week, much less a day. He swore it was the only way he could wake up!

Let's break this down: that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First off, it takes about 15 minutes for you to fall into REM or restful sleep (or so my 7th grade science teacher the smartest woman I've ever met told me). So by adding snooze into your sleeping repertoire, y
ou are effectively stealing that sleep from your night. So let's say you snooze for an hour each morning, you are just giving up an hour of your sleep. If someone said - hey, get up an hour early, you'd tell them to go to hell because you'd be losing sleep. But for some reason people have no problem waking up and going back to sleep repeatedly. Seriously, it's dumb.

So of course, my first "real" college girlfriend was... a snoozer! We would often do sleep overs with one another which would lead to the snooze fights. She scheduled all her classes at ungodly hours and then would want to start the snooze process hours beforehand which, coincidentally was many hours before I even had to be up (I was also a lazy college student). Needless to say, this led to strife.

There are two exceptions that I feel obligated to note:
1. Setting the alarm early deliberately to allow for sexytime with significant other. Obviously not snoozing, though, as the notable absence of the raucous, nightmarish alarm clock beeping.
2. The iHome. An alarm clock that plays your iPod. It's pure genius. It wakes you up and lets you listen to good music. It even fades in. I broke down and got one and suddently found myself drifting slowly into wakefulness over a 20 minute period. I quickly realized this was the same as snoozing (oh, and was late for work) and have now had to place a strict 2-song limit on my morning iHome listening.

Over the years, I have worked to refine (aka mellow a bit) my theory on snoozing (among other things). Following a lengthy discussion with a freind's GF, I have softened my stance. All snoozers are not weak. Some are just lazy but OK with it... Seriously, though, the amended stance is: one snooze allows for proper passing of the shock of another day/burying oneself deep underneath the covers to generate necessary warmth/strength of character to get up and do it all again. That seems reasonable, but more than that, and we're in ridiuclous/weak/lazy land. Set your alarm, get your ass up, deal.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Dating Advice

The QLE does our best to keep you up to date on etiquette and general advice to avoid life's social foibles. With school getting back in session and lots of fresh faces out there for all the young people, a bit of dating advice might be in order.

We'll start with Mike Leach, coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. We've had to paraphrase in places...

1. Take her to a steak house because it's informal and there's not a lot of salad on the menu. Then she'll have to eat in front of you, which she (she being all women) hates, and as far as making women do things they don't want, the earlier the better.

2. After the movies, be sure to end at some "cool coffee shop ... where there's bizarre looking characters going in and out." That way if conversation flags you can just make fun of freaks!

3. If things go well (after making her do things she doesn't want to and making fun of weirdos), then you can "Trade computer schemes and emails and all that mischief that people are up to on that nowadays which I know nothing about."

Boom, in a nutshell, the ingredients for a successful relationship, or a Presidential campaign.

Slow Tuesday?

This one popped up in the "breaking news" section of our local paper's online site. Local liberal with a love of lawn signs (and gnomes, tackily enough) had a couple of her Obama/Biden '08 signs stolen from her yard. If you'll recall, the Obama fundraiser machine is charging for signs this year. With the economic times such as they are, she decided to set up a webcam to protect her investment (although the latest sign is handmade, which could also explain the lack of theft). Turns out, the idea is wildly popular as the "channel" the video is streaming on shot near the top of the views chart quickly and apparently has a huge following. Since I know you don't want to be the only one missing out...

Monday, September 22, 2008

We Need More Excuses

People seem to travel far and wide for one of two things: funerals or weddings. I believe we need to all collectively work on prioritizing mass movements to see the one's we care about and love.

I've been to two phenomenal weddings the last two weeks and it's easy to realize and recognize why your best friends, family and confidants are who they are.

The problem, is that their are only a select few who take the initiative to get together en mass on a regular occurrence. Frankly, that is just not OK and we cannot count on people to throw weddings every year or to pass along. We need to facilitate these relationships with the friends we make and the friends we keep.

All it takes in an excuse to get together. For me, I've utilized Coachella, Euro Vacation, Ducks football, Burning Man and holidays to make this happen. But, I find that the older people get, the priority level of congregating together dwindles.

Maybe we just need to come up with more arbitrary excuses to get together. 

So, here is an idea. The Harbin Ice Festival.

Its an annual event every January in the Heilongjiang Province in China. It is the worlds great ice artwork festival.  Ice sculptures are decorated with lasers and traditional ice lanterns. There is even an interactive ice lantern park and a luge to ride. 

So, who is with me?!?!!?!?

From the major duh file

Entourage is soooo effing good. OK, I know this is seriously old news and I know that you'd have to be a fool to not be watching, but last night was so damn funny that I just thought I'd point it out yet again: pony up and pay the extra $15 per month for HBO. I know it seems like a lot, but that is less than $4 an episode. God, I sound like one of those commercials asking for small contributions to solve big problems (Hello Wilford Brimley).

But seriously, a prank war with Davies? Johnny Drama. Lloyd, freaking Lloyd.

Just think of it as 26 minutes of escapism/therapy before you have to go to work for another 5 days. You work hard, you deserve it.

Why Aren't You Listening to Beck Right Now?

94 was a crazy one. Lorena Bobbit copped to insanity, Jeff Gillooly and Tonya Harding both pleaded guilty. Schindler's List swept at the Oscars and Kurt Cobain ended it all. Oh, and don't forget about OJ. The climate was perfect for Beck's hit, Loser, off his first album Mellow Gold. Moody, melodic and completely insane, Beck was strange, dark, and twisted, but tons of fun to listen to. The whole album was filled with bizarre ranting gems like Fuckin' With My Head and Truck Driving Neighbors Downstairs so catchy you'd find yourself singing along.

Most people go through an evolution as a music listener. You grew up on heavy doses of educational/non-threatening happy music - Raffi, School House Rock, etc. Also, if you were lucky, your parents had good taste. The Doors, Stones, Moody Blues, Clapton, and of course, the greatest song in the history of Rock N' Roll: AQUALUNG.

Eventually you start to branch out and find that you have your own opinion. This usually involves some sort of rebellion, no matter how small. The big eye opener for me was Dr. Dre's The Chronic. I remember sitting on the train to Seattle with my Babe Ruth baseball team listening to a borrowed tape of the album and having a major eye-opening experience. I wouldn't say I was sheltered, just tragically naive (oh, and I had a mullet - that's right, sitting on the train, rocking my mullet and mesh backed baseball cap about 12 years pre-Kutcher, bumping Nothin' But a G Thang). But that album did it for me and I realized there was a lot more out there than my parent's music collection. Granted, much of my early exploration was fairly clandestine as the black and white PARENTAL ADVISORY sticker was a death sentence for a disc in our house, but my growth as a music fan was on.

As usual, I have strayed from the original point of this post, which is to proclaim that Beck is among the best, most prolific and creative artists of the 15 or so years that I can claim to be a music lover. With each new album, Beck has continued to grow and reinvent himself - staying relevant, but also intensely creative, diverse and ambitous. He's strayed in and out of pop genres and had the obligatory celeb meltdowns and obsessions (hello Scientology). He also avoided becoming Dave Matthews (15 years, 9 studio albums completely indistinguishable from one another) or Smashing Pumpkins (reinvented themselves right out of mega stardom and their fan base) or REM (still cranking out albums but who cares?).

This year's release Modern Guilt not only lives up to expectations, but is immediately in the running for the QLE's annual top-10 albums of the year (a prestigious award I am sure he had in mind while in the studio). MG is 10 songs of pure pleasure. It's weird, varying in mood, blusey and and trés modérn. Danger Mouse's production is a phenomenal contribution and plays perfectly into the feel of the album as a whole. My personal fav, Youthless features a catchy, repetitive bass
"There's a bottomless pit that we've been climbing from
Just to get on level ground
Shake your seasick legs around
Dead of winter in a logo town
Signs of life are soft and flickering"
It all works swimmingly and the Beck/Danger Mouse pairing reveals itself to be the obvious answer to a question only too recently asked. Get it, rock it, and continue your evolution as a music fan.

Apocalypse Now

I like music.

I have been know to be frugal.

Add those two up and you get an admiration for free/cheap music.

You are either the type of person who adheres to a strict policy of iTunes and CD purchases, or you fall on the other side of the fence of fence and loot and pillage the web for whatever you can find.

I know that there are a handful of friends that find pleasure in having an album months before release, before anyone else in the circle. 

Frankly, being able to say "that album sucks" and to hear the response "wait, its not out for two month" and retort "i know" is the goal of a couple of people I know.

One of the best spots on the net to find downloads is Pop Apocalypse. Within the last month I've got the new Of Montrael, Bloc Party, Mogwai and Peter Bjorn and John pre release date.

Whatever your justification (mine is supporting artist by going to 5-8 shows a month) utilize Anna Apocalypse's hard work and diligence digging up all the material so you can spend less time searching for music and more time reading the QLE.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Shameless Self Promotion

Despite a bit of a lag during summer, we are happy to say the QLE is back in action. We will continue to do our best to post regularly and strive ever to be entertaining (or at least pass on the work of others who are entertaining).

I must also point out that we LOVE the 5 of you who religiously check the blog. I know it's hard to spell and occasionally a bit obtuse but hopefully still fun. The goal, however, is to continue to pass it on! With Applesauce and @TweeterCarrie at the Web 2.0 conference, we've been pointed toward some new tools to make sure that you can keep up to date with us (and pass us on to your friends - share the love!).

You can sign up with Feedburner using the form on the right. It will send you an email (one a day) when we have new content. If we're slacking, no email, so send Meeps a text and bust his balls. If you don't, you could miss something REALLY funny, like Charles Barkley's 50 most famous quotes. You can also use your RSS feed right in your Outlook to receive updates when new posts go up.

Other ways of sharing - Twitter, Delicious, Facebook, "Follow" the blog (also a link on the R side), or just email it to people. Any other suggestions, feel free to pass them on.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

She Blogs She Blogs

Over the past few months I've come to grips with the fact that I'm a "blogger." At first I think it bore a sort of stigma, and I'm still a little embarrassed when revealing it to people for the first time. It's like a guilty pleasure. It's also my room mate's favorite comeback for this move, usually used when I've had a couple drinks and find the conversation has slowed.

Me: Hey (person who is most likely to make a big deal about the factoid I'm about to unload), did you know my friend Nick is the lead singer in a Band?

Them: Really? That's sooo cool! What kind of band?

Me: A rock band.

Nick: Fuck you. Did you know B has a blog?

I digress. One of the things that being a blogger entails is reading other blogs. I read my friend's blogs, I read sports blogs and I will occasionally peruse my way through the 6 degrees of blog separation. Think Myspace/Facebook stalking but with blogs. Here's Lizzie's blog, she reads these blogs. Whose blogs do they read, etc. etc.

A couple different times I have found myself stuck in the descending spiral of the "chick blog." I can't think of a better term for these saucy, salty self-publishers. They have that spice girl/girl power/I've got attitude and I'm funny, irreverent and sarcastic and KNOW IT. They all seem to drink wine, I think it's a code word or something. They also are overflowing with overshare. Pooping, peeing, infections, fat jokes, sex anecdotes, pooping, and insanely embarrassing stories are all par for the course:

The CLEAR winner on this one belongs to a blog spiral that went like this:
Rob Mosely Oregon Ducks Blog>Tales from LaLa Land (a mix of interviews with ex UO players, bad words and chick blogging)>Musings of a Barefoot Foodie. I am still not sure how I got there but all of a sudden I found myself
[side note - I was actually reprimanded by Jenna on Saturday night that this was almost too gross to point people to. So, again, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...] reading this post. Prepare yourself because even I found the punchline quite shocking. Anyway, there's plenty more where that come from.

These blogs are generally quite amusing, which explains how I've gotten sucked in.
I am split on whether I want to read more, though... On the one hand, I feel kind of like Screech and Zach when they eavesdropped on Kelly's slumber party to figure out who she was going to ask to the dance. It's like being let in on a whole different world, kind of fascinating, totally weird. On the other hand, I feel like Mel Gibson in What Women Want - suddenly granted access to the insane mind and world of women and faced with a whole bunch of information which, frankly, I'd rather leave shrouded in the mystique of the fairer sex.

Obama's Two Fathers

In case you missed the bombshell dropped during the DNC a few weeks back
Check out this clip from Terry Moran. A moment for the history books

Monday, September 15, 2008

Leaf Blowers

Fall is here, leaves are falling, and Jackasses everywhere are using the loudest, least efficient tool possible to blow them (along with dust, trash, and anything else on the ground) out of their yard.

It's an interesting mindset: I want these leaves out of my yard. I think I'll blow them all over the sidewalk, into the street and into your yard instead. And I'll do it by running the most obnoxiously loud device I can get my hands on.

And what lazy bastard thinks this leaf blowing device is actually a good idea? The only reason leaf blowers work is because there's only about one real Jacknife per block who actually thinks it's socially acceptable to take the mess that's in his yard and blow it out into the neighborhood. If everyone did it, it would be an awesome battle royale with leaves flying, dust in the air and gum wrapper projectiles aplenty.

As Mitch Hedberg pointed out, just about everything should have two names - such as a "cheese grater" could also be called a "sponge ruiner." I'll work for the next few days coming up with alternative names for the leaf blower, I think I'll go with the Not My Problem Machine (narrowly lost out to the Jackass Jetpack).

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

If you're reading this, chances are, everything is fine.

If you're reading this, that means that the world has not ended, the moon has not disappeared (that I can tell) and no destructive dark matter or universe devouring black holes have been created... Yet. If you need any further proof, you can click on the following site from a particle collider watchdog (seriously click on it, it's funny)

What is the LCH? It's a 17 mile underground tunnel that scientists are going to use to smash particles into each other in an attempt to re-create the beginning of the universe. OK, so that doesn't make a ton of sense, maybe we'll turn to Wikipedia to explain what it is. That doesn't help a ton either. Well, regardless, it's a huge machine and it does something big and potentially scary (to some people).

From my understanding we're not out of the woods yet. Today they sent a particle one way around the 17 mile loop - soon they will be sending one each way to make them crash into each other for the real "subatomic fireworks."

I listened to a clip from the countdown, it went something like this: "3... 2... 1... LAUNCH WAHOO IT WORKED!" It didn't take very long for the subatomic particle to go 17 miles at near the speed of light. Pretty anticlimactic to me, but the scientists were stoked (after 25 years and $80 Billion who can blame them).

So anyway, breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate a little today that our universe wasn't whiped out while you slept, or, if you like to worry, just wait for the next big bang...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Goji Berry. En Vogue In 2009

Recently, it seems that we as consumers have been bombarded with a hot new berry or fruit every year. Theses berries tote health benefits galore and social superiority aplenty.

In 2006 it was the campaign for the Blackberry (not the mobile device). 2007 we saw the rise of the Pomegranate . In '08 it was Acai (AH-SA-EEE). Be sure not to get that wrong phonetically at whole food or else risk a verbal lashing by the dude with spacers in his ears in the produce department.

I've been hearing rumblings within the health conscious community, Diageo, Jamba Juice cashier and grocery network that next year we are going to see a full court press for the Goji berry.

What really kills me about this is that its seemingly arbitrary and every yearly winner seems to burst on the scene as the best antioxidant, along with the highest amount of physically allowable daily recommended vitamins in the world. There are nutrients in these berries that haven't even been invented yet.

WTF is a BJD?

Have you ever said to yourself, "Hmm, I sure wish dolls looked more lifelike. I think I'd really like a two foot tall DOLL that more accurately mimics a human being, including realistic, movable joints." Well, if you have, here's what you've been looking for, the Ball Jointed Doll.

Oh, I'm sorry, you'd like something far creepier? Well, we've got the answer for you - google BJD Doll and you'll see numerous sites of people who photograph BJDs in provocative poses.

I love NPR because you never know what you'll hear. Sure, you can find some predictable left-leaning political coverage and endless discussion of the Israel/Palestine conflict, but every once in a while they will drop a pop culture story on you that just should not be missed (they also have great music).

Today, I was lucky enough to be listening to NPR's story on BJDs and boy oh boy did it make my drive home better. Click through to and listen to or read the story about BJDs. Of course, I strongly recommend listening so you can hear the women who collect these dolls say crazy shit like:

"I have one 15-year-old girl who is my love," she says. "I have ordered for her a boyfriend who is a boxer and a physicist who will take good care of her. I've also ordered a vampire for her ... I couldn't resist."

Monday, September 8, 2008

YouTube Hits

The QLE did our own Youtube Top 10 a while back - you can check it out here. Personally, I really feel like we nailed that one and I am pretty sure inspired Rolling Stone to do their Top 25 funniest Online Videos. Some of theirs suck, some made me laugh out loud. So, if you're looking for a way to blow a solid 30 minutes of your day, dig in.

A couple of my favs from their list:

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Horsey Face B

Personally, I think H Swank is the #1 Horse face out there, but this site would argue otherwise. First of all, make sure you have the volume up when you load the page. Then enjoy 14 pages of simple comedic genius.

No Disrespect

Disrespect is a funny issue. I know a guy named Joe who claims to be an expert on disrespect. Big Tuna clearly has NO idea what actually IS or is NOT disrespectful. I mean this is beyond classic. [I'd also like to point out that I came to this little gem of brilliant wonder via Deeks Mangreen - Thanks!]

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Breaking News: Baseball Season Still Plugging Away

Baseball is boring. Its a snoozer. Let's all admit it and move on with our lives. 
The season started in late March, its now September, and the REGULAR season is still not finished. 

I submit, that nobody cares anymore, save all the weirdos from Boston and New York that I know. 

I'm done with baseball. I'm done watching it on TV. I do not want to talk about it and I certainly do not want to find myself in another conversation with a bunch of people talking about baseball that do not know what they are talking about because they all find the sport terribly tiresome. 

Next time someone says the word baseball, mentions a team or a player, I'm walking away.
You are now all warned. 

I'm over going to the ballpark. 

"Oh, but the ballpark is so beautiful." Yeah, but how about the city park, state park, national park, beach, your girlfriend, that concert venue, etc...

The last thing I want to do with me free time is sit in a child size scorching hot metal seat and watch grown men stand around in Lycra and adjust their cups - all while spending $8 on beer just to make the event slightly passable. 

The game is so boring that players are rooted at their positions only to move sporadically for 5-20 second increments. Further, the players are all so checked out that they all have a chewing tabacco habit just to keep the buzz going to pay attention. 

Baseball has no time limit. Extra innings at a baseball game means time to go home. Every other sport its exhilarating. 

The next time I walk into a bar and there are grown men entrenched at the stools watching the afternoon game of the two out of contention teams with players nobody's ever  heard of with the sound of "Freebird" playing in the background it not only time to walk out, but time to reevaluate my life. 

I am sick of all the "National Pastime" prestige that thrown around when mentioning baseball. The only reason it was the nations sport was because baseball, football, hockey and soccer were not around yet. 

Ever watched a full baseball game on TV. Didn't think so.  Last time a baseball game was on at my house I left in the 3rd inning, went to the gym, then the movie theater, came back, showered and the game was in the 2ND inning. I know, seemingly impossible, but true. 

Baseball also doesn't have any personalities that you can love, or love to hate. Who is the Ron Mexico, Pac-Man Jones or Ocho Cinco of baseball? There is definitely no Brett Favre of baseball. 

Baseball sucks. 

The season is 162 games long. 6 months. Half a year. Who has time for this!?!? What kind of lives are these baseball fans living where they can invest so much time in such a time suck.  

This litany of reasons can go on and on, but I think I can speak for 99% of my friends when I say that I just don't care anymore.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Are these people for real?

I sometimes wonder if these writers are completely clueless, not paying attention or just bored at work and trying to spice things up. Really, though, read your article before submitting it to your editor, who, in theory, should read it too.

Recent bests include:

Lead paragraph about a local columnist who died during open heart surgery quotes a friend: "He had a great heart."

Or, after a 15 year old surfer lost his arm in a boat accident, his father is quoted as saying, "Losing an arm, that's a difficult thing for a 15 year old to grasp."

Today's winner, an article about an 80 meter race (with video) where competitors are required to wear 3-inch heels:

"Former Australian sprinter Melinda Gainsford-Taylor inspected the athletes and ensured they were wearing the mandatory three-inch heels.

"I don't think I've experienced such energy since my racing days," Australia's Age reported her as saying.

"All the girls were pumped," she told Australian media.

I'm Feeling Mislead

I'll admit it, I don't like Woody Allen that much. He's funny, I get that. Smashing sense of humor, great comedic timing and generally his films are cleverly and enjoyably written, but none of them fall even within my top 50. After receiving glowing recommendations I recently watched Annie Hall. Eh, yawn. Couple laughs, funny scenes, but it took me a couple weeks of 20 minutes here and there to see the whole thing.

Despite that, boy oh boy was I excited to see Vicky Christina Barcelona. My #1 and #2 favorite (and hottest) actresses, in one of my favorite countries in the world with some laughs and, of course, a sexy storyline between two beautiful women...


You've been tricked, this is not a sexy movie! If anything, ScarJo and Penelope are a side show to the neuroticly annoying (but still cute) Rebecca Hall and her depressingly realistic relationship woes. You'll laugh, and you'll enjoy Javier Bardem, but you'll also be disappointed more than once in this one. Save it for video.