Breaking News: Baseball Season Still Plugging Away

Baseball is boring. Its a snoozer. Let's all admit it and move on with our lives. 

The season started in late March, its now September, and the REGULAR season is still not finished. 

I submit, that nobody cares anymore, save all the weirdos from Boston and New York that I know. 

I'm done with baseball. I'm done watching it on TV. I do not want to talk about it and I certainly do not want to find myself in another conversation with a bunch of people talking about baseball that do not know what they are talking about because they all find the sport terribly tiresome. 

Next time someone says the word baseball, mentions a team or a player, I'm walking away.

You are now all warned. 

I'm over going to the ballpark. 

"Oh, but the ballpark is so beautiful." Yeah, but how about the city park, state park, national park, beach, your girlfriend, that concert venue, etc...

The last thing I want to do with me free time is sit in a child size scorching hot metal seat and watch grown men stand around in Lycra and adjust their cups - all while spending $8 on beer just to make the event slightly passable. 

The game is so boring that players are rooted at their positions only to move sporadically for 5-20 second increments. Further, the players are all so checked out that they all have a chewing tabacco habit just to keep the buzz going to pay attention. 

Baseball has no time limit. Extra innings at a baseball game means time to go home. Every other sport its exhilarating. 

The next time I walk into a bar and there are grown men entrenched at the stools watching the afternoon game of the two out of contention teams with players nobody's ever  heard of with the sound of "Freebird" playing in the background it not only time to walk out, but time to reevaluate my life. 

I am sick of all the "National Pastime" prestige that thrown around when mentioning baseball. The only reason it was the nations sport was because baseball, football, hockey and soccer were not around yet. 

Ever watched a full baseball game on TV. Didn't think so.  Last time a baseball game was on at my house I left in the 3rd inning, went to the gym, then the movie theater, came back, showered and the game was in the 2ND inning. I know, seemingly impossible, but true. 

Baseball also doesn't have any personalities that you can love, or love to hate. Who is the Ron Mexico, Pac-Man Jones or Ocho Cinco of baseball? There is definitely no Brett Favre of baseball. 

Baseball sucks. 

The season is 162 games long. 6 months. Half a year. Who has time for this!?!? What kind of lives are these baseball fans living where they can invest so much time in such a time suck.  

This litany of reasons can go on and on, but I think I can speak for 99% of my friends when I say that I just don't care anymore.

And So It Begins

Today is a very special day, a day eagerly anticipated for about 9 months every year. Today is the kickoff of college football season. Tailgating, rivalries, screaming until you're hoarse, betting, compulsive internet reading and, of course, talking a HUGE amount of shit.

Shit talking during the college football season is truly one of a kind, mostly because it knows virtually no bounds. No subject is off limits, and no claim of superiority too ridiculous For example, USC fans claiming they also received a superior education. Really? The 5 straight conference championships and BCS Bowl appearances weren't enough to prove superiority? Now you're bragging about the "quality of education" you received? If by education you mean learning to snort your parents money off a drivers license in the Viper Room bathroom, by all means, you win this round.

But that's not all, mascots, stadiums, student sections, hotness of cheerleaders, hotness of coeds, it's all out there and everyone thinks theirs is the best. So, when I stumbled across Radar Magazine's Online Guide to Bad Education, I felt compelled to pass it on, with, of course, some Cliff Notes in case you have to pretend to be busy today. Feel free to use this in your shit talking repertoir this fall, well, except for Reed College, unless your nerdy, exclusive Liberal Arts college is playing them in Quidditch.

Most Superficial goes to, you guessed it, USC. Not much to say that isn't painfully obvious on that one, except for this stunning figure: $50,000 a year to attend! That is $200,000 for 4 years (for only 65%...), and that's before Prada bags, Juicy sweatsuits, Chanel Sunglasses, and, oh yeah, the drugs... Ouch!

The Most Intolerant top 2 shouldn't really strike anyone as a big surprise - University of Mississippi and Brigham Young University. Seriously, this one is like a game of "Would you Rather" - with an endless debate about the lesser of two evils. Racist Crackers or Religoius Zealouts (not to mention no youtube, drinking, caffeine, Youtube, etc.). Yipes!

The Most Stoned is also a good one. Another California school (surprise!) pops up in the list with 4 out of 5 applications being accepted, but only half of those make it out in four years. The runner up, once again, deserves mentioning as the Dread-Headed step child of USC. Parents have money? Want to go somewhere with people equially as superficial as you but just can't quite get the GPA in USC territory? Or have you just not come to grips with your parents money? Looking for somewhere that you won't feel ridiculous climbing into a Range Rover with patched together pants, a dirty beard, Chacos and dreads (hello Trustafarian). Let me tell you about a magical little place called, Boulder...

Most Insuffrable - Reed College, "Known for its 'French-café-know-it-all" culture, Reed churns out the kind of smug, self-righteous bombasts you thought were possible only in subtitled movies. Notes one campus observer, succinctly, "Everyone I've ever met that goes or went to Reed is either full of themselves or full of shit."

Most Insecure - Fnally, I am happy to report an in-state school made the list as well! The #1 runner up in the country, Oregon State University. The state's second biggest school with the second best athletic program is like the annoying younger brother with a serious inferiority complex. OK, so I made this one up, but I hope they enjoy their new more "workmanlike" jerseys this year - the'll look great with an Emerald Bowl patch on the shoulder.

Well that's it for the list, but I encourage you, keep the debate open, keep the conversation flowing because things will only get better over the next three months.

Fan Mail

The sports world is officially dead as of this weekend. After KP dominates the draft once again, what is left to watch? Tiger is out, Euro Cup is over, no football news for a while - just baseball, plugging away, playing their insane number of games and inspiring yet another year of apathy until September. So this time of year lends itself to reflection. In the case of one loyal QLE reader, reflections on the love that sports inspire. You can love your car, you can love your dog, you can even love a sports team, but can you love your sports columnist? A reflection of Deeks Mangreen's struggle to answer that question below.
--
Dear Bill,

I started reading your column in the summer of 2007, and I must say: I love your stuff. But I seriously kind of hate you.

You are in fanhood euphoria while I am stuck on planet earth. Back-to-back-to-back sports seasons where your team competed for a championship (RedSox, Patriots, Celtics). I swear, that is just not right.

I'm torn and am not sure exactly what I think about you. Love/hate relationship? Maybe, but I'm more of a "this or that" kind of guy. Don't like sitting on the fence.

I was an econ major in college and learned that a cost/benefit analysis can help you figure out just about anything, so I'm going to lay out the costs and benefits of me reading your column.

BENEFIT: You are a total fan!!! And I can totally relate to that! (Ignoring of course the fact that you are a total homer fan of teams I happen to hate.

COST: You're a total homer fan of horrible teams that I happen to hate.

BENEFIT: You are f'ing funny. I laugh a lot when reading your stuff.

COST: Totally blows my cover at work. I work in finance and let me tell you, the stock market isn't exactly hilarious these days.

BENEFIT: I'm convinced I'll be cursed and have 3 daughters just like my uncle. You gave me hope in Learning About Sports From a 2 1/2 Year Old that if I only have daughters, I'll be able to convince them to like sports ... at least during their formative years.

COST: Me thinking that having all daughters really wouldn't be THAT bad further ensures that I will only have daughters.

BENEFIT: It was really nice of you to warn me not to read this column wherein you BLATANTLY HATE on the future of the NBA.

COST: Of course I read it you dummy! And you totally pissed me off. You were just jealous. 2 blazer fans? Seriously? I have steam coming out of my ears right now.

BENEFIT: Your luck as a fan gives other fans (me) hope.
COST: All of your teams are firing on all cylinders right now. Literally all of them. That has NEVER happened to me and gets me so fired up.

This list could go on, but making the list has already helped me gain clarity. Look ... It's not like I ever think that the Blazers will win an NBA championship, followed by the Oregon Ducks winning the BCS, followed by the Cleveland Browns winning the Super bowl (don't ask about the Browns thing ... it's a long story involving a friend buying my buddy and I as many free hot dogs as we can eat if we go to Cleveland and watch a game). I know that the chance of all of my teams having your teams' success probably isn't going to happen. But the fact that the last 8-9 months have been so practically perfect for you (everybody knows you jinxed the Pats, so it's your fault it wasn't 100% perfect ) - I guess it teaches me to not totally give up hope. Because afterall ... isn't that what being a fan is all about?

So ... at the end of all of this ... I will keep reading. But seriously, don't write stuff about the Blazers like that again. Oden will punish you for it next year, I promise. Thanks for all the hard work - and enjoy this 1 good year of Celtics hoops b/c they are old as dirt and don't have much gas left. Meanwhile, my team has a good 8-12 solid years left in Roy, Oden, Aldridge.

Your Reader,

Rob

Update to Shaq the Rapper

Well, turns out that Shaq's night job (being a fly MC) is interfering with his other night job, being a deputy sheriff in Phoenix.

You may be familiar with Joe Arpaio. He's the Phoenix-area Sheriff who clearly idolizes the warden in Midnight Run. No, he doesn't break prisoners' feet on a regular basis, but he does make them eat green bologna and live in tent cities in the Arizona desert all while wearing pink underwear. You get the picture - don't cross Joe, you'll be sorry.

Apparently Joe doesn't like quasi homo erotic rhetorical questions about the taste of Shaq's ass either, according to this story. Part of me likes this - it's true, no special treatment for Shaq. Part of me can't help picture a kid on the day they visit the firehouse in grade school getting the sticker-fireman's-badge ripped unceremoniously off his chest for pulling Suzy's pigtails.

The good news is he can always move to Portland where apparently anyone can become sheriff no matter how big of an a-hole you are.

Not Quite the Adidas Slogan

Last night the NBA Finals ended in less that dramatic fashion with Boston chowdering a 40pt blowout of Kobe and his two first team all "Cic-ers"

After the game, always persistent Michelle Tafoya clamps onto KG and asks him, "NBA Champion. How does that sound?"

Kevin Garnett replies, "Man I'm so hyped right now. Anything is Possible. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE."

Then he proceeds to thank a handful of nicknames, letters and acronyms that nobody in the viewing audience understands. But, that's not the point here.

The point is that KG is an adidas shoe and clothing monger and that their tag line is "Impossible is Nothing."

So, was KG stoked on the happenings and ready to down some Remy in Boylston? Or is he just a buffoon and completely butchered the adidas slogan that has been shoved down our throats that last year and a half.

Either way, Adi Dassler is turning in his grave today with the organic branding opportunity that could have been.

BYOBW 2008 - Adults Riding Kids Toys = Awesome

It has been said that, among other things, San Francisco is know for its unique and extravagant events, happenings and gatherings. 

Its OK to tie yourself and four of your friends to a shopping cart carrying a keg and run (fall) down the streets of North Beach in the Urban Iditarod. In San Francisco it is also cool, if it is your thing, to suck the cock of your buddy who is wearing nothing but a garter belt and ass-less chaps at high noon during the Dorey "Up Your Alley" Street Fair. 

If it strikes your fancy, its more than encouraged to go on a 16 hour E tab induced dance-a-thon trance session down Market street and in front of City Hall during the Love Parade in October. 

If you are the type of person that likes beer at 6:00AM on a Sunday Morning, the city shuts down the better half SF proper for you to "run" through downtown with 100,000+ of your friends in costume during Bay to Breakers. 

The list goes on and on, but the best and more pure showcase of fun and community may just be at the annual Bring Your Own Big Wheel (BYOBW) race.

The premise is really quite simple. You show up with an old Big Wheel, the classic red one with yellow tire works, or really any variation thereof is acceptable.  As everything in town, you dress up in some sort of Bizzaro (read: throw some shit together at the last minute) attire or garb. You bring some friends and a beer or two and get in line at the top of a ridiculously steep, windy and treacherous hill. Then you push off and careen toward the finish amid the cheers of the estimated 8,000 spectators and the ohs and ahs when that second turn sends you flailing into the guy that getting too close to the action. 

The race this year was moved from Lombard Street (you know, the picturesque, manicured shrub lined tourist trap) to the more precarious and even more curvy Vermont street hill in the Portrero (middle of nowhere) district. New location, but more people. The best part about this event, besides reliving my glory days on Bennington Drive when I'd race Eli Zackheim to defeat on a daily basis, was the fact that is truly was a family and community orientated event. 

People were behaved and in control. Everyone was smiling and in jovial disposition. Families brought their kids and parents raced along side their sons and daughters next to that hipster doofus from the Mission and that ad exec from the Marina.

All in all a spectacle to behold and embrace. And a second place finish in heat #2 by your's truly. Check out the video montage that some guy w/ too much time on his hands put together.

Superman That Ho. Really?

Cheryl Miller, do you have any idea what it means to Superman That Ho? As you stand there, congratulating Dwight Howard on his epic dunk (or just throwing the ball through the hoop) and he is going on about how much he loves that song, Superman That Ho, you continue to grin and nod like an idiot, conducting another one of your awkward, uncomfortable All Star sideline interviews. Seriously, you're terrible. And I don't think it's cute or endearing that you refer to Reggie Miller repeatedly as "little brother."

The Urban Dictionary offers a couple graphic definitions of what it meanst to Superman That Ho. Scientifically put, to "Superman" would be to ejactulate on a womans back during intercourse, then allow the fixative properties of dried semen to attach the bed linens to her back, making her appear to be wearing a cape, similar to the superhero Superman. Combine that with referring to the unwitting superhero as a "Ho" and you've got a real banger of a filthy sex joke, broadcast on TNT for families all over America to enjoy. Good job all involved.

There were some highlights to this year's All Star Saturday night:

Rudy Gay asked America to post their best dunks as inspiration for his appearance in the dunk contest. Needless to say there was some insane stuff. 720 in a game and 360 under the legs.

Charles Barkley, as usual put on a show. While introducing Karl Malone as a judge of the Slam Dunk contest, he said the Mailman was the 3rd best power forward of all time. When asked who numbers two and one were, he replied matter-of-factly, me and Tim Duncan.

And, just in case you forgot since last year, Jason Kapono is still a bitch.

Super Bowl Roundup

General consensus says that was pretty boring.  Most people are now hungover or feeling sick from that incredibly poor decision to dunk the Double Stuff in the Chili Con Queso during a mid afternoon blackout.  That was almost as dumb as Big Bill going for it on 4th down instead of kicking the field goal.

In a bright spot, the Robot did get its ass kicked by the Terminator, so I guess it wasn't all bad.

I still think Eli Manning is a punk bitch, but hey, he's got a Super Bowl ring and I've got a blog so I guess we know who wins that one.

The ads were by and large uninspiring.  Either no one has any money, or no one wanted to take risks after some great (albeit risky commercials) received less than favorable reviews.  

In case you were foolish enough to go pee during the interesting part of the game (commercials), you can check out Time's review and watch the best ads.  Consensus here is that the FedEx ad was among the best, and a certain sales leads company who I refuse to give any pub to, sucked the worst.  

My personal favorite, though, appears below.  It's just way too close to the experience of being on Mr. Meeps' speed dial...

What's the Best Super Bowl Half time Show Ever?

What would the Super Bowl be without a quick re-visiting of some recent halftime shows (debacles?). Check the right side of the main page and cast your vote for the biggest spectacle in recent years.

Sir Mick Jagger's skeleton comes out in painted on jeans and a baby tee. Proceeds to scare children worldwide and demonstrate the effects of aging on the human body.








The confirmation no one needed: Prince is, in fact, a transvestite who wears VERY high heels and plays a guitar that vaguely resembles and IUD.








Two simple words: wardrobe malfunction. JT (the guy your girlfriend is now in love with) exposes the boob of Janet Jackson (the girl you used to be in love with). How emasculating and thrilling at the same time.

Super Bowl Week (Duh)

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Some people care, some people don't, but it certainly does cause a hullabaloo, so we at QLE thought it would be irresponsible to let it go without a couple of Super Bowl posts.

First of all, a note on the coverage. Any of you who suffered through the BCS this year (notably UGA vs. Rainbow Warriors) know that watching football on Fox sucks. Extra commercials, annoying personalities and turning every part of the game into an advertisement is only the start. The icing on the cake is, of course, the robot. Man, that is a stupid robot.

The Super Bowl is on Fox this year which means we have to sleepwalk through this robot-infested SB before our next dose of phenomenal Madden-isms. Plus, all signs point to a whipping of that punk bitch Eli by the "New Face of Stetson Cologne." Can someone please tell us what Tom is doing in this picture?!?!

So, now you get to just bide your time until the next commercial break when you turn up the volume, move to the edge of your couch and get ready for the commercials.

So, here's a shout out to a few ads (new and old) that have made us laugh a time or two.

Who are you callin' Cootie Queen Lint Licker

I think I actually remember where I watched this commercial.

Funniest QB in the game.

Gummy Bear Commercial

No one thinks is funny but me

PLAYOFFS?

They are who we thought they were!

Don't pretend you never answered the phone this way (at least once)...

An update... Look out for guac, onion dip and bean dip this Sunday... Turns out George was wrong, double dipping IS gross. Check out the NY Times for the gross out factor.