Thursday, August 7, 2008

Willie Make It, Honey Bucket: Porta-Potty Etiquette

The QLE, although occasionally irreverent, sarcastic and a bit crude, works hard to ensure that all readers are aware of and do not fall afoul of, many of life unwritten etiquette rules.

Today we'd like to offer a little help to the drunken moron who walks in front of lines of people, or you, girl in ridiculously slutty outfit who flirts her way to the front - that's right there are basic rules and etiquette for standing in line for the hot, smelly, plastic porto.

It's summer, and that means that you will inevitably find yourself standing in a sweaty crush of people with dirty feet, a sunburned face, a mild buzz going and a SEVERELY full bladder. The only option is to wade through the crowd: "Excuse me, pardon, might if I... yeah, right through there. Um, bro, is it cool if I - yeah, thanks. *Splash* - yeah, no problem. Yeah, wahooo! Cheers to you too! OK, thanks."
After enough of this nonsensical stupidity, you arrive.

No, wait, that can't be right. You ask youself, then you ask those around you, "Is this
really the line for the toilets?" Inevitably, you get a "Yeah, bro, sucks, huh?" So you're in line with about 500 people waiting for 10 toilets, and you have about 7 minutes until absolute disaster. So despite what you perceive as impending doom, be sure to follow a few simple rules, or risk shouts, poured beer, heckling for 499 people or worse, getting your Honey Bucket dumped over with you in it...

First - feel free to do a little recon! There is an amazing new type of public piss system: the portable trough! That's right, 12 dudes, one porto. Now, even at beer festivals, notorious for being dude heavy, you can skip the lines and all you have to do is crowd into a hot, cramped piss soaked room with eleven other bro-hards.

Wait your turn. Yes, that means you drunk person, angry person, person who has to pee (yeah,
we're all right there with you) little kid (minus visible accident), hot girl, girl who think's she's hot, "confused" person, everyone.

Pick your line, stick with it. You don't see people swirving all over the toll plaza 10 feet from the booth. That's not how it works. Roll the dice and hope your line gets done quicker than everyone else's.

Don't save spots. I don't care what the excuse, if you have a group of 5 friends join you (or even one) you're looking for trouble.

Finally, don't be afraid to double up. If your parts complement the porto's parts, you can each relieve yourself simultaneously. For this to work, on person must be able to pee standing up in the urinal (not a purse holder as a friend's gramma thought...). Two girls are actually three times slower than one girl. However, a guy and a girl can get the job done just fine and in (relative) privacy (thank you barn dance).

In the end, I am sure you'll make it. And once you're in there, enjoy the relief and make everyone's day better, if you only remember one thing, remember to put the seat up... Both of them.


Lizzie Bennett said...

Good blog - valid points. What really gets me is all the options men have for peeing elsewhere, but they continue to clog my line. Last time I waited in a Porta Potty line, there were several men just going out behind the stalls and peeing, which I appreciated. And now there are troughs where you can all cross swords...classic.

Courtney said...

Rule #1 for the concert attendee: always go before you have to. Pehaps purchase a beer to enjoy in line with a friend. This eliminates the need to unbutton your pants and having hostile feelings to those in line. Plus, you are still getting your drink on, getting the gossip and you have someone to hold your purse while you attempt the stank that is the mobile restroom.

Meeps said...

go before you need to go. that is the #1 thing to do to make an event more enjoyable

also, one time i was at a beer festival and some guy went pee behind the port-o-potty and this other guy was sneaking into the festival and jumped over the fence (behind the port-o-potty: seemingly thinking that would be a good, hidden place to enter) but he landed right in the stream of the guys pee

Luscious Lars Anderson said...

Damn, Dude! Ya'll got me straight trippin'!