Small Fight of the Day

Say what you will about Chipotle, but I like it and can't stop myself from going about once a month. The parking situation at my local Chipotle leaves a bit to be desired. It's a hopping lunch spot with a large surrounding business community and only offers about 8 spaces in its pull-through lot. Although I rarely get one, it's usually worth driving through just to see if you'll get lucky.

Today, on my first pass I saw that there was a rather crazy looking woman sitting, waiting with her blinker on and staring at a black BMW backed into a parking spot. I pull up and stop, just to see if there's any other potential for spots in the lot. Seeing none, I begin to pull forward and glance at the BMW to see what the crazy woman in the Corolla is waiting for.

Sitting there, calmly reading emails on her BlackBerry and unwrapping a burrito with one hand is a smartly dressed young professoinal woman. Now, I am not sure if you're familiar with the Chipotle burrito, but this is a two handed operation that takes a solid period of time to eat - and that's in an ideal setting (ie: NOT over a BCBG suit and Bavarian leather interior). And, since she's backed into the spot, when she looks out her windshield there is nowhere she can look other than into the intent (and crazy) crazy woman's stare.

We have a serious standoff on our hands. Crazy lady is refusing to budge (despite cars stuck behind her) and is apparently planning on waiting for the young professional woman (apparently too anti-social to eat INSIDE the restaurant) to finish eating the entire burrito rather than look for another parking spot.

I laugh, drive around the block and park right in front of the restaurant and forget briefly about the entertaining small fight of the day I've just witnessed. I sit down, read the Willamette Week and savor my burrito (chicken, black, mild, cheese, lettuce) and enjoy NOT being at work. Eventually, though, the time comes that I can not stall any longer and have to head back to work. I get up, throw my trash away and as I walk out the door am forced to squeeze by none other than Crazy Corolla Lady, who had apparently just gotten her parking spot. Chalk one up for team looney!

HDA

With all the bad news in the news today - credit crisis, mortgage meltdown, presidential politics, etc., I understand how you may have missed this item, but HDA is nothing to joke about. Affecting literally hundreds of Americans each year, HDA can lead to yellowing of the skin, sweating, vomiting, gastro-intestinal malaise, and general discomfort.

Hot Dog Addiction (HDA) is characterized by an unchecked need to continually ingest long, spherically-shaped, encased meats. Hot Dogs, Kielbasas, Sausages, it doesn't matter to the HDA sufferer. Like many addictions, the need to consume Hot Dogs takes precedence over one's own well being - affecting basic common sense and decision making abilities.

This past weekend, I was brought face to face with this sausage scourge. On Saturday morning we all went to breakfast and the soon to be exposed HDA ordered a massive breakfast and then, at the last second, decided to include a side of sausage. We thought nothing of it at the time...

A few hours later we were at an alumni tailgater with two choices for dinner: hamburgers or hot dogs. But these weren't just any hot dogs. Approximately 14 inches long and 2 inches in diameter, these were some serious swine products. But even 28 square inches of nitrate packed hot dog is not enough for the HDA sufferer. A scant 2 hours later, our friend went running from her seats watching the football game to buy.... You guessed it, an Autzen Stadium gameday polish sausage.

The rest, unfortunately, was fairly predictable - and the fallout was just as bad as one might imagine. It's horrible to see a friend suffer like we did and hopefully you take this blog to heart and watch your family and friends closely, and intervene if you see signs of HDA.

On a side note, The Happening is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. This is relevant because the crazy guy who proposes that plants are causing the problem also has a Hot Dog Addiction and rambles aimlessly at one point for about 3.5 minutes about hot dogs and how much he loves them.

At this point, the list goes:
1. Death Sentence with Kevin Bacon
2. Be Kind, Rewind with Mos Def
3. The Happening with Marky Mark (notice the disrespectful downgrade from Mark Wahlberg)
Stay tuned as I am sure to rent more terrible movies and face ridicule in the near future.

The Front Fell Off

Here are the QLE we are always looking for new and different comedians, routines and skits from which to abstract comedy and manipulate it into our own catalogue of verbal ha ha. Anyone who knows us realizes that we have been knows to pass off Mitch Hedberg, Bill Burr and Patton Oswalt pieces into everyday conversation. 

Here are two comedians from Australia, John Clark and Brian Dawe, making a mockery of the Australian Parliament Re: 1991 when an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in two, dumping 200,000 tons of crude oil. Total environmental and political mess.

For your viewing pleasure: this preposterous Monty Python style mock interview.

Thx to A. Fisher for the lead on this blogworthy Internet silliness. 

Saturday Night

Didn't watch SNL this week? Oh, that's not surprising. Maybe it's because it sucks, or you weren't home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. But, since you missed SNL, then you missed the latest Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit. And that would just be a shame.





If you missed this one, you might have missed the first one (I know it's a long shot) but it's still some good stuff, so enjoy.





Oh, and my Saturday night - I saw Choke - the latest movie based off a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Sex addicts, anal beads, crazy chicks, and dark twisted cleverness throughout - all par for the course. It's pretty out there, but since we know I love to laugh loudly at the most uncomfortable moments of the movie, this one was right up my alley.


Also, on a side note, I'd like to just send a brief open Letter to Regal Cinemas theaters:

Dear Regal,

Thank you for raising your prices again. That extra $.50 was an awesome surprise when I went to the movie last night. It was kind of like getting a tittie twister as I walked in the door. I mean really? An extra $.50 did you think that $10 wasn't enough for a movie? Maybe it's some sort of fuel surcharge? To.... Deliver the movie? Assholes. At least you're delivering a superior product. Oh, wait, no you're not. Most of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months have been terrible. Oh, and the bathroom smells like a homeless person's house. In a NYC subway station. In a porta potty. It's seriously astoundingly foul. There's piss all over the ground, and some on the walls. In a room I had to pay $10 (make that $10.50, you cheap greedy pieces of shit) to get into. Taylor's bathroom is cleaner and people piss all over the place in there on purpose.

Go to hell,
All of Us

Some skin for your mornin'

This week Sarah Palin, the GOP Veep candidate has been taking advantage of the UN General Assembly in NYC to brush up on her foreign policy credentials. Much like a few former Presidents (Reagan, Clinton, Bush) who came from roles as Governor, she has taken the opportunity to hone her chops ahead of important debates and as the election nears (she's only had her Passport since 2007).

She has met with a variety of world leaders, including a handful from the Middle East, for obvious reasons. She's taking a bit of a different approach, the sexy approach...


Meeting with the President of a Muslim nation and there she is, showing off those beauty queen legs! Now, it's all a matter of standards, and Karzai certainly isn't demanding she wear a burka, but seriously, that seems a little racy! That would be kind of like walking into a job interview wearing shorts instead of a suit. No, a suit isn't required, but it certainly does send a message.

And apparently Palin's message is being received, loud and clear by these heads of state. According to one blogger - "Pakistan's president tells Palin she's 'gorgeous' and 'Hotter Than the Kalahari in July." Although clearly that's winner for the headline of the day, the actual wording is a bit more subtle, but equally as outrageous. According to CNN.com, Zardari and his entourage made numerous comments about the Veep candidate's looks and Zardari even mentioned that instead of the long handshake for photographers he'd be willing to hug. Nice.

Dating Advice

The QLE does our best to keep you up to date on etiquette and general advice to avoid life's social foibles. With school getting back in session and lots of fresh faces out there for all the young people, a bit of dating advice might be in order.

We'll start with Mike Leach, coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. We've had to paraphrase in places...

1. Take her to a steak house because it's informal and there's not a lot of salad on the menu. Then she'll have to eat in front of you, which she (she being all women) hates, and as far as making women do things they don't want, the earlier the better.

2. After the movies, be sure to end at some "cool coffee shop ... where there's bizarre looking characters going in and out." That way if conversation flags you can just make fun of freaks!

3. If things go well (after making her do things she doesn't want to and making fun of weirdos), then you can "Trade computer schemes and emails and all that mischief that people are up to on that nowadays which I know nothing about."

Boom, in a nutshell, the ingredients for a successful relationship, or a Presidential campaign.

WTF is a BJD?

Have you ever said to yourself, "Hmm, I sure wish dolls looked more lifelike. I think I'd really like a two foot tall DOLL that more accurately mimics a human being, including realistic, movable joints." Well, if you have, here's what you've been looking for, the Ball Jointed Doll.


Oh, I'm sorry, you'd like something far creepier? Well, we've got the answer for you - google BJD Doll and you'll see numerous sites of people who photograph BJDs in provocative poses.


I love NPR because you never know what you'll hear. Sure, you can find some predictable left-leaning political coverage and endless discussion of the Israel/Palestine conflict, but every once in a while they will drop a pop culture story on you that just should not be missed (they also have great music).

Today, I was lucky enough to be listening to NPR's story on BJDs and boy oh boy did it make my drive home better. Click through to NPR.org and listen to or read the story about BJDs. Of course, I strongly recommend listening so you can hear the women who collect these dolls say crazy shit like:

"I have one 15-year-old girl who is my love," she says. "I have ordered for her a boyfriend who is a boxer and a physicist who will take good care of her. I've also ordered a vampire for her ... I couldn't resist."

Horsey Face B

Personally, I think H Swank is the #1 Horse face out there, but this site would argue otherwise. First of all, make sure you have the volume up when you load the page. Then enjoy 14 pages of simple comedic genius.

www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

No Disrespect

Disrespect is a funny issue. I know a guy named Joe who claims to be an expert on disrespect. Big Tuna clearly has NO idea what actually IS or is NOT disrespectful. I mean this is beyond classic. [I'd also like to point out that I came to this little gem of brilliant wonder via Deeks Mangreen - Thanks!]

Are these people for real?

I sometimes wonder if these writers are completely clueless, not paying attention or just bored at work and trying to spice things up. Really, though, read your article before submitting it to your editor, who, in theory, should read it too.

Recent bests include:
Lead paragraph about a local columnist who died during open heart surgery quotes a friend: "He had a great heart."

Or, after a 15 year old surfer lost his arm in a boat accident, his father is quoted as saying, "Losing an arm, that's a difficult thing for a 15 year old to grasp."

Today's winner, an article about an 80 meter race (with video) where competitors are required to wear 3-inch heels:

"Former Australian sprinter Melinda Gainsford-Taylor inspected the athletes and ensured they were wearing the mandatory three-inch heels.

"I don't think I've experienced such energy since my racing days," Australia's Age reported her as saying.

"All the girls were pumped," she told Australian media.

And So It Begins

Today is a very special day, a day eagerly anticipated for about 9 months every year. Today is the kickoff of college football season. Tailgating, rivalries, screaming until you're hoarse, betting, compulsive internet reading and, of course, talking a HUGE amount of shit.

Shit talking during the college football season is truly one of a kind, mostly because it knows virtually no bounds. No subject is off limits, and no claim of superiority too ridiculous For example, USC fans claiming they also received a superior education. Really? The 5 straight conference championships and BCS Bowl appearances weren't enough to prove superiority? Now you're bragging about the "quality of education" you received? If by education you mean learning to snort your parents money off a drivers license in the Viper Room bathroom, by all means, you win this round.

But that's not all, mascots, stadiums, student sections, hotness of cheerleaders, hotness of coeds, it's all out there and everyone thinks theirs is the best. So, when I stumbled across Radar Magazine's Online Guide to Bad Education, I felt compelled to pass it on, with, of course, some Cliff Notes in case you have to pretend to be busy today. Feel free to use this in your shit talking repertoir this fall, well, except for Reed College, unless your nerdy, exclusive Liberal Arts college is playing them in Quidditch.

Most Superficial goes to, you guessed it, USC. Not much to say that isn't painfully obvious on that one, except for this stunning figure: $50,000 a year to attend! That is $200,000 for 4 years (for only 65%...), and that's before Prada bags, Juicy sweatsuits, Chanel Sunglasses, and, oh yeah, the drugs... Ouch!

The Most Intolerant top 2 shouldn't really strike anyone as a big surprise - University of Mississippi and Brigham Young University. Seriously, this one is like a game of "Would you Rather" - with an endless debate about the lesser of two evils. Racist Crackers or Religoius Zealouts (not to mention no youtube, drinking, caffeine, Youtube, etc.). Yipes!

The Most Stoned is also a good one. Another California school (surprise!) pops up in the list with 4 out of 5 applications being accepted, but only half of those make it out in four years. The runner up, once again, deserves mentioning as the Dread-Headed step child of USC. Parents have money? Want to go somewhere with people equially as superficial as you but just can't quite get the GPA in USC territory? Or have you just not come to grips with your parents money? Looking for somewhere that you won't feel ridiculous climbing into a Range Rover with patched together pants, a dirty beard, Chacos and dreads (hello Trustafarian). Let me tell you about a magical little place called, Boulder...

Most Insuffrable - Reed College, "Known for its 'French-café-know-it-all" culture, Reed churns out the kind of smug, self-righteous bombasts you thought were possible only in subtitled movies. Notes one campus observer, succinctly, "Everyone I've ever met that goes or went to Reed is either full of themselves or full of shit."

Most Insecure - Fnally, I am happy to report an in-state school made the list as well! The #1 runner up in the country, Oregon State University. The state's second biggest school with the second best athletic program is like the annoying younger brother with a serious inferiority complex. OK, so I made this one up, but I hope they enjoy their new more "workmanlike" jerseys this year - the'll look great with an Emerald Bowl patch on the shoulder.

Well that's it for the list, but I encourage you, keep the debate open, keep the conversation flowing because things will only get better over the next three months.

Headline of the Day

"Policing Porn on Airlines?"

Yup, that's what I came across on my 2:45 pm perusal of CNN.com (as clearly distinguished from my 2:30 pm perusal of CNN.com).

First off, is that really what qualifies as a headline these days? A wide open, possibly rhetorical statement relying on the strength of the word PORN to draw in viewers. OK, OK, point taken, it worked as I was quick to click on this one.

The video it fires up is of Mike Galanos, an absurd caricature of the 24 hour news cycle anchor man. Righteously indignant, sleeves rolled up, gyrating in his chair at the mere thought of the outrage he may suffer, he stares into the camera, gripping his pen-as-prop and preaches:

"Filter out the CRAP, I don't want my son sitting next to a PERVERT who's watching porn."

"I'm all for people surfing the "net," just put a filter up to keep out the garbage."

"Let's get some calls in, Jan in California, Jan, isn't this ridiculous?"

Hey, Galanos, you closet porn fiend, get a life. We all agree that we don't want some dude watching Max Hardcore in 21E when we're in 21F, but quit pretending to be a news man, quit telling your guests their opinion and for the love of Melanoma, lay off the tanning bed.

A quick Google of the "net" with no "filter" brings up some awesome results for Galanos the porn fiend, including a petition to get him kicked off CNN (with some good comments I might add). No one seems to like him and there are some stellar adjectives ("douchy" popped up more than once) to describe his obnoxious delivery and Conservative/Moral Values bent.

Bottom line, I would have been able to stand him and might even respect his work a little if he'd just gotten Samuel L Jackson on there: "We've got to get this MUTHAFUCKIN' PORN off this MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!"

Taking it to a whole new level

I couldn't resist this one...

Thirsty Thursdays, the $2 beer night at Portland's PGE Park (Home to the Portland Beavers), is the place to be on Thursday nights during the summer. Cheap beer, tiny "outfits," overly tanned under worked Sorority Girls and Frat Guys and the crushing reality of a 5 day work week to the young 20-somethings can make for a rough Friday morning.

Last night, it wasn't just the half-lidded dude monching nachos after 15 beers (in the 3rd inning) or the girl in 4 inch stillettos taking a spill in the ever winding beer garden line (or the inevitable baseball to the dome as she "chats" vapidly with her back to the game).

No, last night, the whole place blacked out, according to The Oregonian:

"A fallen tree was blamed for a power failure tonight that blacked out PGE Park for 90 minutes, suspending a game between the Portland Beavers and their rivals from Tacoma. PGE spokeswoman Elaina Medina said the outage hit ... the ballpark, about 9 p.m."

Yup, sounds about right to me. Wonder if the Ballpark went to Mazatlan for a Tequilla shot and a giant burrito then threw up, too?

Willie Make It, Honey Bucket: Porta-Potty Etiquette

The QLE, although occasionally irreverent, sarcastic and a bit crude, works hard to ensure that all readers are aware of and do not fall afoul of, many of life unwritten etiquette rules.

Today we'd like to offer a little help to the drunken moron who walks in front of lines of people, or you, girl in ridiculously slutty outfit who flirts her way to the front - that's right there are basic rules and etiquette for standing in line for the hot, smelly, plastic porto.

It's summer, and that means that you will inevitably find yourself standing in a sweaty crush of people with dirty feet, a sunburned face, a mild buzz going and a SEVERELY full bladder. The only option is to wade through the crowd: "Excuse me, pardon, might if I... yeah, right through there. Um, bro, is it cool if I - yeah, thanks. *Splash* - yeah, no problem. Yeah, wahooo! Cheers to you too! OK, thanks." After enough of this nonsensical stupidity, you arrive.

No, wait, that can't be right. You ask youself, then you ask those around you, "Is this really the line for the toilets?" Inevitably, you get a "Yeah, bro, sucks, huh?" So you're in line with about 500 people waiting for 10 toilets, and you have about 7 minutes until absolute disaster. So despite what you perceive as impending doom, be sure to follow a few simple rules, or risk shouts, poured beer, heckling for 499 people or worse, getting your Honey Bucket dumped over with you in it...

First - feel free to do a little recon! There is an amazing new type of public piss system: the portable trough! That's right, 12 dudes, one porto. Now, even at beer festivals, notorious for being dude heavy, you can skip the lines and all you have to do is crowd into a hot, cramped piss soaked room with eleven other bro-hards.

Wait your turn. Yes, that means you drunk person, angry person, person who has to pee (yeah, we're all right there with you) little kid (minus visible accident), hot girl, girl who think's she's hot, "confused" person, everyone.

Pick your line, stick with it. You don't see people swirving all over the toll plaza 10 feet from the booth. That's not how it works. Roll the dice and hope your line gets done quicker than everyone else's.

Don't save spots. I don't care what the excuse, if you have a group of 5 friends join you (or even one) you're looking for trouble.

Finally, don't be afraid to double up. If your parts complement the porto's parts, you can each relieve yourself simultaneously. For this to work, on person must be able to pee standing up in the urinal (not a purse holder as a friend's gramma thought...). Two girls are actually three times slower than one girl. However, a guy and a girl can get the job done just fine and in (relative) privacy (thank you barn dance).

In the end, I am sure you'll make it. And once you're in there, enjoy the relief and make everyone's day better, if you only remember one thing, remember to put the seat up... Both of them.

Coffee

Definition: a widely-consumed stimulant beverage prepared from roasted seeds, commonly called coffee beans, of the coffee plant. Today, Coffee is one of the most popular beverages in the world. 

Sounds like something Brandon  would enjoy, right? Wrong.

Brandon does not partake in the exercise in drinking coffee. I have met few people like this and i just cannot figure it out. The only time I've seen him drink coffee is in a foreign country. 

I remember him drinking coffee in Morocco, Holland, Spain, Ireland. The list goes on, but I've never seen him at or suggest a Starbucks. 

1. Coffee is delicious. You can find a flavor or brew that is perfectly designed to massage your pallet. 

2. Coffee is commonly known as a social gathering. As in, "lets meet for coffee." Or, "how about we discuss over coffee?"

3. Drinking soda in the morning is just not cool anymore. Frankly, soda(pop) is just not acceptable in general. The last time someone said: "lets go grab a couple of cokes" and you thought to yourself "man, thats so hip!!" was in a Jimmy Stewart movie circa 1962. 

4. You can make it at home and bring it with you. You also get the sense of feeling like a barista in the morning. Everyone that has been a barista can relate with the fact that it sure is gratifying to make a coffee and not have to hand it off to the the guy in the two-piece or the lady about ready to embark on her morning 5K walk. 

5. If you're tired, coffee is better than an energy drink, but not as good as a trip to the gym. I believe the days of throwing down a 16oz Rockstar at 6AM should be behind you by the time you're 25. But, a couple of 16oz 'Star's at 9PM on a Saturday night, that is still debatable.

6. If you are living in the NW it is boarder line taboo not to partake in coffee. This is the land where Starbucks, Peet's, SBC and Coffee People were born.

7. Coffee is good warm and cold. Soda is not good warm. 

8. Coffee is like golf. You have to at least be familiar with the beverage, willing to drink it and find a way to enjoy some of the nuances that it offers in orders to get by in life. You do not want to be the person in a business meeting that shoots an 9 off the first tee and you do not want to be the jack-a-lantern that orders an Italian Soda at Starbucks.

If there is anything I'm missing, please add and with any luck, Brandon may see the light that coffee is one of life's great treasures. 

Update to Shaq the Rapper

Well, turns out that Shaq's night job (being a fly MC) is interfering with his other night job, being a deputy sheriff in Phoenix.

You may be familiar with Joe Arpaio. He's the Phoenix-area Sheriff who clearly idolizes the warden in Midnight Run. No, he doesn't break prisoners' feet on a regular basis, but he does make them eat green bologna and live in tent cities in the Arizona desert all while wearing pink underwear. You get the picture - don't cross Joe, you'll be sorry.

Apparently Joe doesn't like quasi homo erotic rhetorical questions about the taste of Shaq's ass either, according to this story. Part of me likes this - it's true, no special treatment for Shaq. Part of me can't help picture a kid on the day they visit the firehouse in grade school getting the sticker-fireman's-badge ripped unceremoniously off his chest for pulling Suzy's pigtails.

The good news is he can always move to Portland where apparently anyone can become sheriff no matter how big of an a-hole you are.

Some Dude vs. Chris Martin

We've seen it 1,000 times. Coldplay releases amazing album featuring summer song Viva la Vida. Album shoots to top of charts. Chris Martin gets celebratory BJ from Gwyneth. Some dude (Andrew Hoepfner of Creaky Boards) says CM stole the song from him after attending a Creaky Boards show in NYC. Story detailed here. Be sure to check out the bulleted comparison of the bands at the end of the piece. Strangely enough, no one but Stringer actually believes that Coldplay stole their #1 single from some HD in NY. Hoepfner put together a little Youtube ditty to let you be the judge. Enjoy.

Summer Drinking Pitfalls

Turns out, this summer, fit is the new fat.  Everyone is getting in shape.  Running, lifting, riding, jumping, playing, swimming - you name it, people are feeling motivated and ready to get that gut into shape for the summer.  One of the biggest motivations?  The plan for most summertime activities involves limited clothing and maximum consumption.  

But, there are potential pitfalls, according to this hard hitting piece in Newsweek: The Summer's Six Most Fattening Cocktails.  This is laugh out loud funny, some high points appear below:

- Drinking ONE mudslide is approximately equivalent to a Carl's Junior Loaded Breakfast Burrito at 820 Calories and 27.2 grams of fat.

- A margarita can get you with an astounding 850 calories.  That's ONE serving.  Ignore the fact that I washed down my recent Enchiladas and 4 baskets of chips dinner with the "48

 ouncer" at LaCostita.  I THINK we've found the problem...

So, what's a summer drinker to do?  Well, Miller has their suggestion: the new MGD Light 64 calorie beer.  That's right - about 1/2 your typical Booo Laiiii so now you can drink twice as much with half the guilt.  Or something like that.

Oh, the other pitfalls?  

Public Urination, assing out at weddings, assing out at company functions, knocking over dart machines, sleeping on railroad tracks, drunk dialing people who are now married, etc. etc.

Good luck this summer.

Hottest Party of the Year

I've been wanting to host an Oven Party since midway through college. Last weekend my dream finally became my reality.

We canvased our North Beach apartment entirely in aluminum foil. Walls ,ceiling, floors, and everything in between. We replaced everyday light bulbs with calescent red ones. We added a vaporous fog machine (which periodically triggered the smoke alarm and the line "the oven is overheating"). People freak out, then get the joke 5 minutes later. Throw in a strobe light for good measure and we're good to go - in a virtual Oven.

Wasteful: unfortunately quite. 100% Awesome: absolutely.

4,500 sq. ft ($200+ of foil), 500m of tape, 8 packs of putty, one keg, 300 bottles of beer and 8 people laboriously setting up for 8 hours and we're good to go.

This is the point in the post where I write about what people had to say about the event. Suffice to say, "Best House Party Ever," "Epic" and "You guys are out of your fucking minds," pretty much covers it.

Unfortunately, now the house party high bar is set at Olympic height and we're racking our brains for a way to equal or best the cooker carousing.

Theme recommendations are welcome and will be taken into consideration for our next hullabaloo in May.

What Would This Flavor Be Called?

Earlier this month Reebok released Kool-Aid scented shoes. That's right, sneakers that smell like Blue Berry Yum Yum, Rock-a-Dile Red and Solar Strawberry Star Fruit.

When this link was sent to me, I didn't really know what to think? Is this bizarre, outlandish, irrelevant, or sheer cross-promoting genius? We really won't know until I speak with our resident shoe expert Aron Glatzer on the particulars of this release.

What we will know is that after a day of walking Upper Haight and scavergering through throwback haberdashery at Wasteland, the mustachioed quasi-hipster wearing these shoes will have their sweaty feet accented with a hint of melon or berries.

As a beverage, Kool-Aid was awesome when we were five years old and got revved up on sugar instead of Reb Bull Blasters and adderal. It was also great in middle school when we sucked down packets of sugar on the bus ride home. But, imbibing or even purchasing Kool-Aid at this age is an absolute crime. Not even for novelty reasons, because thats just to obvious.

You've heard the bit from ubiquitous Dane Cook where be goes on and on and on about the Kool-Aid punch bowl smashing through walls with kids drinking fruity blood from its straws. Its some of Cook's funniest material within a catalogue of overt arrogance, crass opinions and loose generalizations. Regardless, HERE is an animated video of "Not So Kool-Aid" that was made to go along w/ the routine. Really quite funny.