Chick Blogger Representin' - A Ross

A little while back we felt compelled to comment on the ubiquitous chick blogger who dominates the blogosphere with posts about Gossip Girl the new "Nine-Oh," drinking wine, hapless hubbys and BF's, crying, wine drinking, shoes, potty humor and a deep love for red wine. One we mentioned, A-Ross from Tales From LaLa Land has since done a little QLE reading and was gracious enough to answer a few questions - hopefully bringing a little balance to our frat-esque 20-something dude blogging. After all, no one wants to be a stereotype.

QLE: Introduce yourself - tell us about your blog and why you do it. Specifically, how does your little black book contain the email address of every legendary Duck football player for the past decade or so? Is there a Latin Berry interview anywhere on the horizon?

A-Ross: My name is Allison, but everyone calls me A-Ross. Except my mom. My blog is essentially a mirror of who I am. I have always loved writing. I attended the University of Oregon where I got my journalism degree. But, frankly, the confines of newspaper and PR writing didn't fit my style. I basically write whatever comes to my mind and what I enjoy most - sports, cooking, my family, my friends and my cat. As far as the Q&As go, well, it helps to sleep with as many Oregon football players as you can to get what you need from them down the road.

QLE: We called you a chick blogger - you're not a mommy blogger, or a girly girl blogger... Can you guide us through the twisted web of female bloggers and where you fit in?

A-Ross: Only recently did I become aware of the world of mommy bloggers. Funny thing is, most of them are moms, but I wouldn't categorize their blogs as "mommy" blogs. BTW, I'm not a girly girl blogger? How have you guys figured this out so quickly? Don't I come across as somewhat girly? No? Damn. I figured. I don't know where I fit in and that's one thing I'd like to continue to not know. I don't want to start changing what I write or how I write to try and fit into a certain group. As usual with everything else in my life, I kind of just do what feels right to me. And I do it with confidence so people will respect it and have confidence in me. If you can respect a blog in which I call my cat a Dirty Sanchez.

QLE: We've been debating. Is there a certain age at which all women suddenly freak out and decide they want to get married, have a giant wedding where everyone looks at them and tells them they're "soooo beautiful" and then start having kids like crazy?

A-Ross: I don't want to speak for all women here, but I'll speak for myself. It is not something I have ever dreamt about or longed for. However, I'm engaged now and I'm very happy to have someone who I enjoy being with and is compatible to me. But I tell you this - I would also be content just being with this person forever and not getting married. Marriage is scary and I just want to make sure we're together forever. All I hear about is "not having sex anymore" or "mortgages" or "settling down." Basically, I'm all for it, but I want ME to stay the same. And, I want to still have sex and spontaneous moments like the ones you have when you first start dating. It's easy to see why those moments are harder to come by. Just today, the fiance and I had to take my car to the shop. 1. We got lost for over an hour trying to find the place and 2. It will cost $1100 to fix. So, immediately there's stress brought into your world. Whereas in month two of dating you're wondering if you've tried every position in the Joys of Sex book.

QLE: When does the drama stop?

A-Ross: NEVER. It doesn't matter if your 15 fighting over Matt Jones or 34 fighting over who's your maid of honor and who's not in the wedding. It. Never. Stops. I have a few quality girl friends, but a lot of my friends are guys. And we fight also. Over the fact that they cheat at Fantasy Football or whether or not Eva Longoria is actually hot. Fun stuff.

QLE: Why do girls wear the shirts like these? Unflattering is putting it mildly. Pregnant-looking is a bit more like it. Are they just emulating and practicing for pregnancy, as mentioned in question #3?

A-Ross: My friend Erin is going to LOVE this question. She was recently shopping for a dress and lamenting this new style. It's disgusting. Let's be honest. Girls wear these shirts so they don't have to work on their abs.

QLE: Do women believe girly workouts are effective? See: power walking, Pilates and those chicks who get on the stair stepper and take the worlds tiniest steps until the first bead of sweat appears then pack up their US Weekly and waterbottle and go talk about their "big workout" and decide to "splurge." Also how old should a woman be before she stops wearing her sorority letters/pants with writing on the ass?

A-Ross: Skinny women do. I did Yoga once. I wasn't sweating and my mind doesn't like it when I tell it to be quiet. Again, you're asking me girly questions, and I'm not that girly. My workout of choice is running. And, I will say that spinning is a killer. It might seem girly, but it's not for the faint of heart. Go try it sometime. For one hour. And, lastly. At no age, under no circumstances should anyone wear the word "juicy" on their ass. Why would you want your ass juicy?

Dear ESPN.com

Please stop with the automatically loading video that plays when I go to ESPN.com. First of all, I'm literate. That's why I subscribe to your magazine and visit your website 263 times per day. I want to read the content. If I want video, I will go to one of the 5 ultra convenient ESPN family of TV channels.

Secondly, I would estimate 82% of your sites visitors are at work while visiting. Does auto loading video blasting out sports commentary really seem like the best way to sneakily waste time? Why don't you just have an arrow and a sign pop up out of my computer that says TIME WASTER and points to me for everyone in the office to see. This is both rude and thoughtless. Great, you captured the ability to post video on your website. Can't we just have it load on "PAUSE" so I can choose to watch it or not?

PS - If you must show video, please stop showing John Clayton's face. His voice and obnoxious opinions are enough, but when his elfish, bespectacled face pops up on the obnoxious video player it's almost too much for me to handle.

You Oughta Know - Card Games

We've promised a weekly "You Oughta Know" post, so here we are, and with week 2 we decided to lighten it up a bit after being called out for being a bit pretentious kicking off with the greatest pieces of literature in the history of the world. Point taken - although I still consider that post a success as it evoked plenty of conversation and a classic argument between the two skinniest people we know.

This week, 10 card games you ought to know. Whether you're headed to Vegas, a party featuring chicks in denim skirts and light beer, or even just a relaxing vacation, you should know how to play these games. No one wants to be the jackalope who says, "Sorry, could you explain the rules one more time?" while everyone else is sitting there and ready to play. Here is a website with all game rules organized alphabetically.

1. Poker - including at least 3 variations: Stud, Hold 'Em, 3, 5, 7, etc.
2. Blackjack
3. Presidents and Assholes
4. Kings
5. Rummy
6. Speed
7. Cribbage
8. Hearts
9. Pitch
10. Solitaire

As usual, feel free to question, ridicule, add or discuss in the comments section. We look forward to your feedback.

Also, a weird bonus Youtube video to help get you through your Wednesday - but you've got to watch to the end to see the full amount of awesome - (Thx to Cross).

Random Question of the Week - Meat

In an effort to learn a little more about our readers, we are going to begin to offer up questions to you all that will hopefully shed a little bit more light upon your temperaments, convictions and habits.

This weeks question:

Would you eat off of this pig roast if you were at a luau?

Do any of you eat meat anymore? 

If you do still love meat, would you dine off this swine?

People we know, the floor is yours!

Small Fight of the Day

Although I'm a bit concerned about what it may say about my sanity if this becomes a regular feature on the blog, I just can't help myself.

Fall is a special time of year. New cars, new TV shows, fun new consumer electronics and, everyone's favorite, new phone books???

That's right, for the past week, various sources have been foisting their antiquated ad laden giant pain in the ass phone books on me. Yellow Book, Verizon, Qwest, all equally useless, all dumping approximately 25 lbs of useless "books" on my doorstep, in my front lawn or in my driveway. Seriously, have you heard of a smart phone? Goog-text? Goog-411? Yahoo Yellow Pages? All are more efficient, right at my finger tips and do not require sifting 5 inch thick tomes to find out the number for Papa Johns so I can order the Canadian Bacon/Pineappe/American Bacon Pizza.

Last week, the smashed up, no window all white panel van slowed in front of my house, and the sliding door came open. Drive by? Child abduction? No, just a dude throwing a big pile of books/trash on to my front lawn. Qwest. 3 days later, I'm backing out of the driveway, and the same white van with the same dudes throw a bundle onto the driveway (forcing me to get out and move them before backing out). Verizon. This is getting ridiculous.

So I'm sitting at my desk this afternoon, working hard, when an extrodinarily sweaty woman and her daughter (I'm assuming) walk into the office and, in a cheery and singsong (if breathless from the couple flights of stairs) voice:

Sweaty Woman: "Helloooo! We have your new phooonnne booooks!"

Me: "No thanks."

SW: "What?"

Me: "Don't need them, I'll just recycle them, so why don't you keep them and you can make sure they get to a deserving phonebook customer who might use them."

SW: [long uncomfortable pause, looks at daughter, both stare at me as if to say: "Um, hello, we're offering you a lifetime supply of free steak here, and you're saying no thank you? What are you crazy, these are PHONE BOOKS."]

Me: "Sorry."

SW: "FINE."

Me: "Bye!"

A Weird Sighting in San Francisco

The 25th year Anniversary of The Folsom Street Fair was not the weirdest thing I witnessed yesterday in San Francisco.

Group flogging and whipping sessions at the fair were weird, but not weirdest.

Orgy and massage oil wrestling ring. Quite weird, but not the weirdest.

The guy getting head from the girl with the Captain America fighting Ironman tattooed on her back- both totally naked while being videoed by the Japanese tourist in studded g-string who was being pulled along by a dog collar chain held by his two foot taller German girlfriend dressed in full red latex body paint.

Pretty bizarre, but not the winner.

That was all within the first and only five minutes I was at the Street Fair.

Next Stop. Vertigo bar for an afternoon birthday party house/trance/breaks music event for some guy I have never met.

Weird that there were black lights and neon posters set up for a party during the day and there was sage burning everywhere. Strange, but not the apex of weird yesterday.


Signing Thai karaoke at the restaurant next door in a foreign language and getting a round of applause after picking what evidently was the song that everyone wanted to hear. Pretty normal, compared to the what happened next.

At that point it was 700PM and time to go home and get life together. I traversed back to North Beach and was on my block when I witnessed one of the more strange things I've ever seen. There was this bum clad in a blue plaid flannel shirt, short Prefontaine shorts, a Popeye hat and barefoot. He was bent over an unassuming green sidewalk bush. You know, one of those little shrubs that are everywhere that just seem to take up the pathway space where you always have to stand behind and wait for the lady with the stroller to pass by.

So this degenerate, safe to say bum, was in another dimension, universe, some altered state of Claritin-D byproduct Crystal Meth or just was the hungriest muther-f'er in town. He was face down, mouth open chopping at said shrub like it was the last consumable on earth. This man was straight up eating one of the cities bush's in public. Munch, Munch, Munch.

Thats weird. But not as strange as the fact that nobody else seemed to think this was abnormal or worthly enough of a second glance. People, couples, families would walk by, take a look and move on. I watched this goatman for about 5 mins from a half block away and during that spell or time, not a soul stopped to look at this act of craziness.



Who are the people that live in this city and are so desensitized that a man eating a bush like a goat, is just an everyday occurance?!?!?!

Saturday Night

Didn't watch SNL this week? Oh, that's not surprising. Maybe it's because it sucks, or you weren't home at 11:30 on a Saturday night. But, since you missed SNL, then you missed the latest Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit. And that would just be a shame.





If you missed this one, you might have missed the first one (I know it's a long shot) but it's still some good stuff, so enjoy.





Oh, and my Saturday night - I saw Choke - the latest movie based off a Chuck Palahniuk novel. Sex addicts, anal beads, crazy chicks, and dark twisted cleverness throughout - all par for the course. It's pretty out there, but since we know I love to laugh loudly at the most uncomfortable moments of the movie, this one was right up my alley.


Also, on a side note, I'd like to just send a brief open Letter to Regal Cinemas theaters:

Dear Regal,

Thank you for raising your prices again. That extra $.50 was an awesome surprise when I went to the movie last night. It was kind of like getting a tittie twister as I walked in the door. I mean really? An extra $.50 did you think that $10 wasn't enough for a movie? Maybe it's some sort of fuel surcharge? To.... Deliver the movie? Assholes. At least you're delivering a superior product. Oh, wait, no you're not. Most of the movies that have come out in the past 6 months have been terrible. Oh, and the bathroom smells like a homeless person's house. In a NYC subway station. In a porta potty. It's seriously astoundingly foul. There's piss all over the ground, and some on the walls. In a room I had to pay $10 (make that $10.50, you cheap greedy pieces of shit) to get into. Taylor's bathroom is cleaner and people piss all over the place in there on purpose.

Go to hell,
All of Us

Fred Willard Eats Cheese

There I was at Whole Foods earlier today. Minding my own business. In fact, I was literally going about some work business, when I was gently tapped across the right shoulder by a man holding a rolled up newspaper.

"Do you know where the CHEEESSEE is?"

That is what Fred Willard asked me today.

What made him think I was the one to ask? Did he not see the 20+ people or so wearing forest green Whole Foods aprons meandering throughout the aisles? How did he pick me over the dread locked, goatee donning, long sleeve tie-dye shirt wearing employee in which I was having a conversation?

Ira was the one with the Green Apron and name tag. I had on a polo shirt, sunglasses on my head and was chewing on a toothpick.

Yet he still picked me.

Best part about it, I DID know where the cheese was and had just been there. Thats where I got the toothpick, from the gouda sample squares three aisles over. Could Fred Willard really be that astute. Maybe. He did come up with the blind prostitute joke impromptu.

"The cheese is located three aisles down, near the produce."

That was my best effort. My one opportunity to impress one of the world's foremost improv comedians of Christopher Guest movie fame. One of my favorite actors. The guy stars in my second favorite comedy of all time and I left the conversation thinking to myself, "Whaaa Haappened....??!?!!"

Some skin for your mornin'

This week Sarah Palin, the GOP Veep candidate has been taking advantage of the UN General Assembly in NYC to brush up on her foreign policy credentials. Much like a few former Presidents (Reagan, Clinton, Bush) who came from roles as Governor, she has taken the opportunity to hone her chops ahead of important debates and as the election nears (she's only had her Passport since 2007).

She has met with a variety of world leaders, including a handful from the Middle East, for obvious reasons. She's taking a bit of a different approach, the sexy approach...


Meeting with the President of a Muslim nation and there she is, showing off those beauty queen legs! Now, it's all a matter of standards, and Karzai certainly isn't demanding she wear a burka, but seriously, that seems a little racy! That would be kind of like walking into a job interview wearing shorts instead of a suit. No, a suit isn't required, but it certainly does send a message.

And apparently Palin's message is being received, loud and clear by these heads of state. According to one blogger - "Pakistan's president tells Palin she's 'gorgeous' and 'Hotter Than the Kalahari in July." Although clearly that's winner for the headline of the day, the actual wording is a bit more subtle, but equally as outrageous. According to CNN.com, Zardari and his entourage made numerous comments about the Veep candidate's looks and Zardari even mentioned that instead of the long handshake for photographers he'd be willing to hug. Nice.

A Northwest Holiday

I'm a day late, but that's only because I went RUNNING out yesterday to get me some frosty delicious goodness. That's right, yesterday Deschutes Brewery tapped the first kegs of Jubelale. ("Tapped" is obviously a bit of a misnomer as I was able to buy some the same day at Fred Meyer, but hey, I've exaggerated a time or two).

A few years ago, I had no idea what Jubelale was. I was working in the beer business and having a "meeting" with one of my co-workers in town from Nebraska when he got a text message that made him jump out of his chair, grab his keys and all but shout, "DUDE, let's go, they just tapped the Jubel," and run out the door. Seriously.

So the point is, it's good. Really good. And I've got to say that this year's blows last years out of the water. I recommend you grab six and grub and settle in to watch USC beat the sad, sad piss out of OSU tomorrow (while somehow wishing both teams could lose/settle in for a nice 10 year span of irrelevancy a la UW).

On a side note, I am glad the Jubelale is good. I had a bit of a falling out with the folks at Deschutes the week before. My GF recently brought over a couple bottles of this year's reserve, "the dissident." Although I don't want to get into a big beer snob love note for this beer, I must say, it is a treat. It's a Flanders style brown brewed with wild yeast and then aged separately for 18 months. It's some serious fancypants shit but boy oh boy does it come out well.

So, I ran not walked down to Deschutes to grab more just a couple days later only to find they had COMPLETELY SOLD OUT. I was disappointed to say the least, until I walked into Thriftway the next day to find an ample supply sitting untouched on their shelves. Anyway, do yourself a favor, if you can, get your hands on a bottle of this before it's gone. It's not like anything you've had before and is 100% worth it. Get it at Thriftway on Olson and Garden Home in SW Portland.