Obama's Two Fathers

In case you missed the bombshell dropped during the DNC a few weeks back

Check out this clip from Terry Moran. A moment for the history books

Leaf Blowers

Fall is here, leaves are falling, and Jackasses everywhere are using the loudest, least efficient tool possible to blow them (along with dust, trash, and anything else on the ground) out of their yard.

It's an interesting mindset: I want these leaves out of my yard. I think I'll blow them all over the sidewalk, into the street and into your yard instead. And I'll do it by running the most obnoxiously loud device I can get my hands on.

And what lazy bastard thinks this leaf blowing device is actually a good idea? The only reason leaf blowers work is because there's only about one real Jacknife per block who actually thinks it's socially acceptable to take the mess that's in his yard and blow it out into the neighborhood. If everyone did it, it would be an awesome battle royale with leaves flying, dust in the air and gum wrapper projectiles aplenty.

As Mitch Hedberg pointed out, just about everything should have two names - such as a "cheese grater" could also be called a "sponge ruiner." I'll work for the next few days coming up with alternative names for the leaf blower, I think I'll go with the Not My Problem Machine (narrowly lost out to the Jackass Jetpack).

If you're reading this, chances are, everything is fine.

If you're reading this, that means that the world has not ended, the moon has not disappeared (that I can tell) and no destructive dark matter or universe devouring black holes have been created... Yet. If you need any further proof, you can click on the following site from a particle collider watchdog (seriously click on it, it's funny) www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com.

What is the LCH? It's a 17 mile underground tunnel that scientists are going to use to smash particles into each other in an attempt to re-create the beginning of the universe. OK, so that doesn't make a ton of sense, maybe we'll turn to Wikipedia to explain what it is. That doesn't help a ton either. Well, regardless, it's a huge machine and it does something big and potentially scary (to some people).

From my understanding we're not out of the woods yet. Today they sent a particle one way around the 17 mile loop - soon they will be sending one each way to make them crash into each other for the real "subatomic fireworks."

I listened to a clip from the countdown, it went something like this: "3... 2... 1... LAUNCH WAHOO IT WORKED!" It didn't take very long for the subatomic particle to go 17 miles at near the speed of light. Pretty anticlimactic to me, but the scientists were stoked (after 25 years and $80 Billion who can blame them).

So anyway, breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate a little today that our universe wasn't whiped out while you slept, or, if you like to worry, just wait for the next big bang...

Goji Berry. En Vogue In 2009

Recently, it seems that we as consumers have been bombarded with a hot new berry or fruit every year. Theses berries tote health benefits galore and social superiority aplenty.

In 2006 it was the campaign for the Blackberry (not the mobile device). 2007 we saw the rise of the Pomegranate . In '08 it was Acai (AH-SA-EEE). Be sure not to get that wrong phonetically at whole food or else risk a verbal lashing by the dude with spacers in his ears in the produce department.

I've been hearing rumblings within the health conscious community, Diageo, Jamba Juice cashier and grocery network that next year we are going to see a full court press for the Goji berry.

What really kills me about this is that its seemingly arbitrary and every yearly winner seems to burst on the scene as the best antioxidant, along with the highest amount of physically allowable daily recommended vitamins in the world. There are nutrients in these berries that haven't even been invented yet.

WTF is a BJD?

Have you ever said to yourself, "Hmm, I sure wish dolls looked more lifelike. I think I'd really like a two foot tall DOLL that more accurately mimics a human being, including realistic, movable joints." Well, if you have, here's what you've been looking for, the Ball Jointed Doll.


Oh, I'm sorry, you'd like something far creepier? Well, we've got the answer for you - google BJD Doll and you'll see numerous sites of people who photograph BJDs in provocative poses.


I love NPR because you never know what you'll hear. Sure, you can find some predictable left-leaning political coverage and endless discussion of the Israel/Palestine conflict, but every once in a while they will drop a pop culture story on you that just should not be missed (they also have great music).

Today, I was lucky enough to be listening to NPR's story on BJDs and boy oh boy did it make my drive home better. Click through to NPR.org and listen to or read the story about BJDs. Of course, I strongly recommend listening so you can hear the women who collect these dolls say crazy shit like:

"I have one 15-year-old girl who is my love," she says. "I have ordered for her a boyfriend who is a boxer and a physicist who will take good care of her. I've also ordered a vampire for her ... I couldn't resist."

YouTube Hits

The QLE did our own Youtube Top 10 a while back - you can check it out here. Personally, I really feel like we nailed that one and I am pretty sure inspired Rolling Stone to do their Top 25 funniest Online Videos. Some of theirs suck, some made me laugh out loud. So, if you're looking for a way to blow a solid 30 minutes of your day, dig in.

A couple of my favs from their list:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkqqMPPg2VI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xjOQYtgsiw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7oCDbDebDA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0po1WRIIMg

Horsey Face B

Personally, I think H Swank is the #1 Horse face out there, but this site would argue otherwise. First of all, make sure you have the volume up when you load the page. Then enjoy 14 pages of simple comedic genius.

www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

No Disrespect

Disrespect is a funny issue. I know a guy named Joe who claims to be an expert on disrespect. Big Tuna clearly has NO idea what actually IS or is NOT disrespectful. I mean this is beyond classic. [I'd also like to point out that I came to this little gem of brilliant wonder via Deeks Mangreen - Thanks!]

Breaking News: Baseball Season Still Plugging Away

Baseball is boring. Its a snoozer. Let's all admit it and move on with our lives. 

The season started in late March, its now September, and the REGULAR season is still not finished. 

I submit, that nobody cares anymore, save all the weirdos from Boston and New York that I know. 

I'm done with baseball. I'm done watching it on TV. I do not want to talk about it and I certainly do not want to find myself in another conversation with a bunch of people talking about baseball that do not know what they are talking about because they all find the sport terribly tiresome. 

Next time someone says the word baseball, mentions a team or a player, I'm walking away.

You are now all warned. 

I'm over going to the ballpark. 

"Oh, but the ballpark is so beautiful." Yeah, but how about the city park, state park, national park, beach, your girlfriend, that concert venue, etc...

The last thing I want to do with me free time is sit in a child size scorching hot metal seat and watch grown men stand around in Lycra and adjust their cups - all while spending $8 on beer just to make the event slightly passable. 

The game is so boring that players are rooted at their positions only to move sporadically for 5-20 second increments. Further, the players are all so checked out that they all have a chewing tabacco habit just to keep the buzz going to pay attention. 

Baseball has no time limit. Extra innings at a baseball game means time to go home. Every other sport its exhilarating. 

The next time I walk into a bar and there are grown men entrenched at the stools watching the afternoon game of the two out of contention teams with players nobody's ever  heard of with the sound of "Freebird" playing in the background it not only time to walk out, but time to reevaluate my life. 

I am sick of all the "National Pastime" prestige that thrown around when mentioning baseball. The only reason it was the nations sport was because baseball, football, hockey and soccer were not around yet. 

Ever watched a full baseball game on TV. Didn't think so.  Last time a baseball game was on at my house I left in the 3rd inning, went to the gym, then the movie theater, came back, showered and the game was in the 2ND inning. I know, seemingly impossible, but true. 

Baseball also doesn't have any personalities that you can love, or love to hate. Who is the Ron Mexico, Pac-Man Jones or Ocho Cinco of baseball? There is definitely no Brett Favre of baseball. 

Baseball sucks. 

The season is 162 games long. 6 months. Half a year. Who has time for this!?!? What kind of lives are these baseball fans living where they can invest so much time in such a time suck.  

This litany of reasons can go on and on, but I think I can speak for 99% of my friends when I say that I just don't care anymore.

Are these people for real?

I sometimes wonder if these writers are completely clueless, not paying attention or just bored at work and trying to spice things up. Really, though, read your article before submitting it to your editor, who, in theory, should read it too.

Recent bests include:
Lead paragraph about a local columnist who died during open heart surgery quotes a friend: "He had a great heart."

Or, after a 15 year old surfer lost his arm in a boat accident, his father is quoted as saying, "Losing an arm, that's a difficult thing for a 15 year old to grasp."

Today's winner, an article about an 80 meter race (with video) where competitors are required to wear 3-inch heels:

"Former Australian sprinter Melinda Gainsford-Taylor inspected the athletes and ensured they were wearing the mandatory three-inch heels.

"I don't think I've experienced such energy since my racing days," Australia's Age reported her as saying.

"All the girls were pumped," she told Australian media.