You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? (Part II)

A while back I wrote a bit of a rant about the cyclist culture in Portland. In the interest of full disclosure, I must first admit that since that time, I have started doing a fair amount of bike riding. Notice I do not call myself a cyclist. I do not have a jersey of any kind. My bike has both gears and brakes. I don't even think I would call myself a cycling enthusiast. I just think of myself as a guy who rides bikes.

Well, Portland cyclist culture has once again given me good reason to distance myself from the snooty, lock in the belt loop, socks over shoes, car hating crowd. You can check out the story as published in the Oregonian or on BikePortland.org. If you are really looking for a good laugh, dig into the comments sections on each piece, as I can't begin to do either one justice. The story is priceless:

Average Portland Guy Colin Yates is driving his green Subaru wagon in SE Portland (it's already so good you couldn't make this shit up!). Sees biker punk (probably wearing chain wallet and stupid hat with flipped up visor instead of brain-protecting helmet) run through two red lights.

APG Colin, a self described cycling advocate chases down biker and lectures him for making bikers look bad. Rogue Punk Biker Steven McAtee flips his lid. Chases the car, screaming, threatening etc. and enoourages APG Colin to stop and have a good old fashioned throw down.

APG Colin stops, confronts RPB Steven and gets more than he bargained for when RPB Steven picks up his bike and uses it as a weapon to attack APG Colin, his Average Portland Car containing his Average Portalnd Family. The brawl is derailed only by a Hancock-esque citizen laying out RPB Steven with a single punch haymaker (dear god how I would have loved to see that).

So, now there is a scene. Car stopped, smashed up hood, biker on the ground and it's drawing attention. The obvious happens next (picture Thriller or West Side Story) a group of Disgruntled Passersby Bikers gang up on and attack APG Colin as he stands next to his APC Subaru.

The police eventually show up to break up the hostile mobe of DPBs and sort things out, and this is where it gets good. RPB Steven is a city employee... In the transportation department! And he was hammered (probably after drinking too many pints of Organic IPA w/ too high of an IBU), possibly fueling his drunken bike weilding rage!

I think the Portland Police spokesman summed it up best, "It's almost kind of quintessentially a Portland thing."

Quick Trivia

I will leave it to you to decide whether Hancock is good or not, but I had no idea that the film's director, Peter Berg, also played the tragic Dexter ('Dex') Rutecki in one of the most influential movies of my life, Aspen Extreme. Possibly my favorite part of his role is when he has to dress up in the Santa costume as a ski teacher. It was even better watching it come true in my own Copper Mountain Extreme experience when Huff had to dress as the Copper Cougar for a day and chase little kids around on tiny skis.

Love Dex, TJ, Bryce and of course, Franz. Although I usually wait until at least November, I may have to pop AE into the VHS a little sooner this year.

Men's Health

I cannot stand Men's Health. Frankly, I cannot stand Men's Journal either.

How are these magazines so popular? I find them so defeating.

My problem begins and ends with the cover. Every magazine read something similar to:

1324 Women reveal their secrets to Sex! Or, 35 Watches that you Need NOW! Or 15 Foods that Build Muscle! And why with all the exclamation points?

What they are really saying is more like the following:

1. 20 Foods that you Cannot Even Find at your Local Health Food Store and if you could you wouldn't want to spend $5 or that 5oz piece of fruit anyway!

2. 50 Suits that you and none of your Immediate Friends Could Ever Afford! And if we're really going to be spending $4,00 on something Italian, it better damn well be an Italian vacation

3. 40 Women that you'll Never Have a Chance Dating!

4. 35 Watches that will Make You Feel Like a Complete Douche for Spending $5,00o!

5. 12 Vacations that You Can Never Afford!

6. 120 Sex Tips that Will Get You Nowhere Fast!

7. 1530 Different Things that will Make You Feel Insecure About Your Situation In Life!

8. 240 Reasons With You are Not As Cool As The Guy On The Cover of This Magazine!

Coffee

Definition: a widely-consumed stimulant beverage prepared from roasted seeds, commonly called coffee beans, of the coffee plant. Today, Coffee is one of the most popular beverages in the world. 

Sounds like something Brandon  would enjoy, right? Wrong.

Brandon does not partake in the exercise in drinking coffee. I have met few people like this and i just cannot figure it out. The only time I've seen him drink coffee is in a foreign country. 

I remember him drinking coffee in Morocco, Holland, Spain, Ireland. The list goes on, but I've never seen him at or suggest a Starbucks. 

1. Coffee is delicious. You can find a flavor or brew that is perfectly designed to massage your pallet. 

2. Coffee is commonly known as a social gathering. As in, "lets meet for coffee." Or, "how about we discuss over coffee?"

3. Drinking soda in the morning is just not cool anymore. Frankly, soda(pop) is just not acceptable in general. The last time someone said: "lets go grab a couple of cokes" and you thought to yourself "man, thats so hip!!" was in a Jimmy Stewart movie circa 1962. 

4. You can make it at home and bring it with you. You also get the sense of feeling like a barista in the morning. Everyone that has been a barista can relate with the fact that it sure is gratifying to make a coffee and not have to hand it off to the the guy in the two-piece or the lady about ready to embark on her morning 5K walk. 

5. If you're tired, coffee is better than an energy drink, but not as good as a trip to the gym. I believe the days of throwing down a 16oz Rockstar at 6AM should be behind you by the time you're 25. But, a couple of 16oz 'Star's at 9PM on a Saturday night, that is still debatable.

6. If you are living in the NW it is boarder line taboo not to partake in coffee. This is the land where Starbucks, Peet's, SBC and Coffee People were born.

7. Coffee is good warm and cold. Soda is not good warm. 

8. Coffee is like golf. You have to at least be familiar with the beverage, willing to drink it and find a way to enjoy some of the nuances that it offers in orders to get by in life. You do not want to be the person in a business meeting that shoots an 9 off the first tee and you do not want to be the jack-a-lantern that orders an Italian Soda at Starbucks.

If there is anything I'm missing, please add and with any luck, Brandon may see the light that coffee is one of life's great treasures. 

Quintessential Living Arrangement

From the land of glass covered sidewalks, built to scale man-made replica islands of the world and Sheiks with underwear more expensive than Raef LaFrentz contract comes the unveiling of the world's first SHAPE SHIFTING SKYSCRAPER.

Uh, yeah.  This is basically a big middle finger fuck you "I Win" out to the rest of the architecture world if renowned techy David Fisher can pull this off. Completion date: 2010

Here are the need-to-knows:

420-meter rotating skyscraper

80-story

Each floor rotates independently. What?!?!?!

Powered by Wind Turbines filled between floor? Oh, so its Green as well

TOWER BUILD ON PREFAB units

So, I guess I'll believe it when I see it

Fan Mail

The sports world is officially dead as of this weekend. After KP dominates the draft once again, what is left to watch? Tiger is out, Euro Cup is over, no football news for a while - just baseball, plugging away, playing their insane number of games and inspiring yet another year of apathy until September. So this time of year lends itself to reflection. In the case of one loyal QLE reader, reflections on the love that sports inspire. You can love your car, you can love your dog, you can even love a sports team, but can you love your sports columnist? A reflection of Deeks Mangreen's struggle to answer that question below.
--
Dear Bill,

I started reading your column in the summer of 2007, and I must say: I love your stuff. But I seriously kind of hate you.

You are in fanhood euphoria while I am stuck on planet earth. Back-to-back-to-back sports seasons where your team competed for a championship (RedSox, Patriots, Celtics). I swear, that is just not right.

I'm torn and am not sure exactly what I think about you. Love/hate relationship? Maybe, but I'm more of a "this or that" kind of guy. Don't like sitting on the fence.

I was an econ major in college and learned that a cost/benefit analysis can help you figure out just about anything, so I'm going to lay out the costs and benefits of me reading your column.

BENEFIT: You are a total fan!!! And I can totally relate to that! (Ignoring of course the fact that you are a total homer fan of teams I happen to hate.

COST: You're a total homer fan of horrible teams that I happen to hate.

BENEFIT: You are f'ing funny. I laugh a lot when reading your stuff.

COST: Totally blows my cover at work. I work in finance and let me tell you, the stock market isn't exactly hilarious these days.

BENEFIT: I'm convinced I'll be cursed and have 3 daughters just like my uncle. You gave me hope in Learning About Sports From a 2 1/2 Year Old that if I only have daughters, I'll be able to convince them to like sports ... at least during their formative years.

COST: Me thinking that having all daughters really wouldn't be THAT bad further ensures that I will only have daughters.

BENEFIT: It was really nice of you to warn me not to read this column wherein you BLATANTLY HATE on the future of the NBA.

COST: Of course I read it you dummy! And you totally pissed me off. You were just jealous. 2 blazer fans? Seriously? I have steam coming out of my ears right now.

BENEFIT: Your luck as a fan gives other fans (me) hope.
COST: All of your teams are firing on all cylinders right now. Literally all of them. That has NEVER happened to me and gets me so fired up.

This list could go on, but making the list has already helped me gain clarity. Look ... It's not like I ever think that the Blazers will win an NBA championship, followed by the Oregon Ducks winning the BCS, followed by the Cleveland Browns winning the Super bowl (don't ask about the Browns thing ... it's a long story involving a friend buying my buddy and I as many free hot dogs as we can eat if we go to Cleveland and watch a game). I know that the chance of all of my teams having your teams' success probably isn't going to happen. But the fact that the last 8-9 months have been so practically perfect for you (everybody knows you jinxed the Pats, so it's your fault it wasn't 100% perfect ) - I guess it teaches me to not totally give up hope. Because afterall ... isn't that what being a fan is all about?

So ... at the end of all of this ... I will keep reading. But seriously, don't write stuff about the Blazers like that again. Oden will punish you for it next year, I promise. Thanks for all the hard work - and enjoy this 1 good year of Celtics hoops b/c they are old as dirt and don't have much gas left. Meanwhile, my team has a good 8-12 solid years left in Roy, Oden, Aldridge.

Your Reader,

Rob

The new worst movie of '08

First off, my apologies to Kevin Bacon and all the tiny minds responsible for Death Sentence. I thought you had the stranglehold on the worst movie of 2008. Unfortunately you have been replaced. Now, this isn't to say that Be Kind Rewind is actually a worse movie overall, but seriously, BKR, what is your excuse?

My justifications for watching in the first place:

1. Starring Mos Def (#69 on Stuff White People Like), Jack Black, and Danny Glover, all people who have made me laugh and entertained me at some point.

2. Directed by Michael Gondry. He has made music videos for some of my favorite bands and directed great, award winning movies like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

3. A 67% on Rotten Tomatoes. Usually a pretty good guide, but a good lesson - always read the synopses and I would have seen warning words like "schmaltzy" and "corny cool and beautiful."

So it shouldn't be horrible, right? Wrong. It was apparent in about the first 10 minutes that we were in for an aimless, boring, overly sentimental crap fest full of rambling side stories, unclear plot motivations and irrelevant Jack Black "comedy."

The story was boring and sappy, the jokes were painfully obvious and I found myself repeatedly wondering: did all of these people sit around and have to convince themselves "Jack Black wearing a colander on his head will be REALLY funny!" I would expect that out of summer camp skit, not a lineup of this caliber.

Update to Shaq the Rapper

Well, turns out that Shaq's night job (being a fly MC) is interfering with his other night job, being a deputy sheriff in Phoenix.

You may be familiar with Joe Arpaio. He's the Phoenix-area Sheriff who clearly idolizes the warden in Midnight Run. No, he doesn't break prisoners' feet on a regular basis, but he does make them eat green bologna and live in tent cities in the Arizona desert all while wearing pink underwear. You get the picture - don't cross Joe, you'll be sorry.

Apparently Joe doesn't like quasi homo erotic rhetorical questions about the taste of Shaq's ass either, according to this story. Part of me likes this - it's true, no special treatment for Shaq. Part of me can't help picture a kid on the day they visit the firehouse in grade school getting the sticker-fireman's-badge ripped unceremoniously off his chest for pulling Suzy's pigtails.

The good news is he can always move to Portland where apparently anyone can become sheriff no matter how big of an a-hole you are.

Shaq Attaq!!!

You may recall Shaq Diesel. How about Shaq-Fu? Or maybe Kazaam? All three rap monikers of the Big Aristotle back when he was laying rhymes over less than dope beats. 

Last weekend we witnessed the lyrical renaissance of the Phoenix Suns Center at a small NYC Club. Notables to look for in the footage include Shaq blaming Kobe for ruining his marriage, knocking Kobe for not being able to win a Championship and asking Kobe a less than appetizing question about his posterior. 

Shaq-Fu, Da Return........

Girl Talk - Free(ish) Music

Girl Talk is sick. Some people don't know or don't understand, but it's only because you haven't thrown on your headphones and listened to the ridiculous intricacy of what this kid does.

You can give it a listen on this "fan video" of my favorite song off the last album Night Ripper here on youtube. Or, an alternative version here featuring Hillary Clinton dancing to Girl Talk - not sure if it's even funny, but man Youtube is a weird place.

He leads off his latest release, Feed the Animals with a 17 sample mix up as detailed here on Wikipedia:

"Play Your Part (Pt. 1)" - 4:45

• 0:01 UGK with OutKast - International Player's Anthem (I Choose You)
• 0:01 Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin
• 0:01 The Unicorns - I Was Born (A Unicorn)
• 0:32 DJ Funk - Pump That Shit
• 1:08 Pete Townshend - Let My Love Open the Door
• 1:19 Unk - Walk It Out
• 1:59 Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It
• 2:04 Huey Lewis and the News - The Heart of Rock & Roll
• 2:13 Lil Mama - G-Slide
• 2:29 Ludacris - Whats Your Fantasy
• 2:36 Temple of the Dog - Hunger Strike
• 3:04 Aaliyah ft. Timbaland - We Need a Resolution
• 3:05 T.I. - What You Know
• 3:08 Lil Wayne with Birdman - Stuntin' Like My Daddy
• 3:41 Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U
• 4:32 Shawnna - Gettin' Some
• 4:32 Jay-Z - Big Pimpin'

The good news? Illegal Art and Girl Talk are offering the new album for download "Radiohead-Style." Jump on the Illegal Art site right here and download it asap. According to Wikipedia if you opt to pay $0, you have to fill out a questionnaire (in short why the eff are you so cheap?). So download it and check it out, oh, and watch Hillary Clinton bounce that one more time.